


Do It For Me

by Branwen_Blaidd



Category: Freier Fall | Free Fall (2013)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, BDSM, Consensual Kink, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Love, M/M, Sex, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:54:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 73,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28869627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branwen_Blaidd/pseuds/Branwen_Blaidd
Summary: Feeling lost and confused after a painful break up, personal trainer Kay Engel starts again in a new neighbourhood in Berlin. But his hurt follows him and he finds himself sinking eagerly into a relationship he knows is no good for him. Will he find his way out of it and does he even want to? Can a chance encounter with the love of his life bring him back from the brink of darkness?Gym teacher Marc Borgmann knows he made the biggest mistake of his life when he pushed Kay Engel away. But with Kay gone, Marc can do nothing but nurse his regrets and try to carry on through the pain of missing the love of his life. But as he searches for distractions in one-night stands, can one chance encounter give him the second chance he's been looking for or is it already too late for Kay's salvation?
Relationships: Kay Engel/Original Male Character(s), Marc Borgmann/Kay Engel
Comments: 90
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song Do It For Me by Rosenfeld. This is my first foray into a plotted fic for this fandom and I'm not sure how long it's going to be yet, but I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> This fic was heavily encouraged by thelastaerie, who helped me work out some details and gave me lots of encouragement to write it, so thank you! Wouldn't have been brave enough without you!

A new part of the city, a new job, and a clean start. That was exactly what Kay needed. It was late evening when he got home from his first day at work in the brand-new Stark’s Gym and he’d planned to grab a frozen pizza and watch some TV, maybe have an early night. But once he got there, his studio apartment felt too big and too quiet.

He ate his pizza and channel-surfed a bit, looking for something to take his attention away from his thoughts.

_Those firm hands on his hips, pushing him into the wall. Hot breath on the back of his neck, a husky voice in his ear._

_‘Show me how. Show me what to do.’_

_The thrill of arousal deep in his belly._

He turned off the TV and chucked the remote down. He couldn’t stay here. He needed something to take his mind off it.

He got up and went to his closet. He didn’t have much. He’d gone in such a hurry, hastily really. But once he’d realised how pointless it was, he couldn’t stay there. Not when he might run into _him_ at the gym. He was a client. He couldn’t exactly refuse to work with him.

He picked out a simple outfit. Tight black jeans which showed off his ass and a skin-tight t-shirt. He just wanted something mindless. He wanted to be taken to that place where all that mattered was pleasure.

He quickly googled to find somewhere to go, then headed out. He didn’t look in the mirror. He knew his body looked good but he didn’t want to see that hurt, sad look in his eyes. He didn’t want to even think about what had happened, about what he had lost.

The dark anonymity of the club welcomed Kay in, the music blocking out the thoughts and memories he didn’t want to hear. He got himself a vodka from the bar, then lurked around, watching the action. He’d been in clubs like this before, not just with _him_. He’d been before all that. They weren’t the kind of place you met The One. They were the sort of place you could come for a hard fuck, for a thrill, for mindless sex. There was sex everywhere and plenty of skin on show.

His gaze fell on one couple in particular. A younger blond man, smirking as a slightly older dark-haired man pinned him against the wall, kissing the back of his neck tenderly as he fucked him hard. Their sounds of ecstasy were audible above the thumping music. Anyone could see that they were in love. They delighted in each other.

Kay’s chest ached and the permanent knot in his stomach twisted painfully. Kay had had that once. Or thought he had. Now, it was lost and he would never know if it had even been real.

‘Hey, beautiful,’ murmured a voice close to him. ‘I’m Rik. Want to go somewhere?’

Kay looked round and swept his gaze over the man standing behind him. He was a little taller than Kay, with sharp blue eyes and black hair. He was pale, with a strong jaw and high cheekbones. He was good-looking and had a slim, well-muscled body. He wasn’t smiling but his interest was clear in his eyes.

‘I’m Kay. Where do you want to go?’

Rik smiled. ‘My place.’ He reached out and took Kay’s unfinished vodka shot out of his hands and placed it on the table. Then he took hold of Kay by his wrist and tugged him firmly towards the door.

Kay allowed himself to be guided away. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. He knew it was dangerous to go home with someone he’d never met before, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wanted that mindless feeling, the pure all-consuming pleasure of getting fucked into somebody’s mattress.

Kay had expected a taxi but Rik led him to a top of the range silver Porsche parked nearby. The interior was black leather and Rik opened the passenger side door for him.

‘Nice, isn’t it?’

Kay didn’t have time to reply before Rik gave him a gentle but firm push on the small of his back and he climbed into the car.

His heart was thudding and he began to have second thoughts but Rik had already shut the door and was sliding gracefully into the driver’s seat. He started it immediately and drove off. Neither of them said anything as they drove and Kay allowed his mind to wander back to another first meeting.

_‘Hey, sorry, you work here right?’_

_Kay’s attention is drawn by the nervous question from where is replacing the weights after his last client’s session. He turns and looks at the man who spoke and immediately feels a pull in his belly. The guy is hot. He has dark blue eyes, dark hair and a masculine air about him._

_Kay gives him his best charming smile. ‘Yeah, I work here. I’m one of the personal trainers. Do you want to make an appointment? I think I could free up some time just for you.’_

_The man stares at him, his cheeks turning pink. ‘Er … I…’ His gaze swept Kay’s body, not as subtly as he no doubt thinks. His blush darkened. ‘I just wondered if you could help me sort this machine out. I can’t seem to change the setting.’_

_‘Sure,’ says Kay, strolling over. He brushes past the man, deliberately, and feels the slight hitch in his body. Kay smirks. He knows attraction when he sees it._

_He leans over the machine and fixes it in a second. ‘There you go.’_

_The man rubs the back of his head. ‘Shit, that’s really embarrassing.’ He gives an awkward chuckle. ‘I really should have been able to do that myself.’_

_‘They can be complicated if you’re not used to them.’_

_‘That’s the point. I should be used to them.’ He grins and gives Kay a sort of shrug. ‘I’m a gym teacher.’_

_Kay grins. ‘Well, if you like you can book a session and I’ll show you all the machines. Then you won’t be embarrassed in front of your students.’_

_A wide smile spreads across the man’s face. ‘Sure, I’d like that.’_

_Kay holds out his hand. ‘Kay.’_

_The man hesitates, then reaches out and clasps his hand in return. Kay feels an undeniable spark as their hands touch. He catches another hitch in the man’s breathing before he is able to reply._

_‘Marc.’_


	2. Chapter 2

_Kay’s smile lights up his face, showing his dimples and making his eyes sparkle. Those bright blue eyes gaze up at Marc with so much love._

_Marc feels a pull in his belly as he looks at down at him, nestled in the pillows, half-pinned beneath him._

_A pleasant tingle takes over his body at the sensation of skin against skin, all heat and soft hardness._

_In bed with his lover like this, Marc’s entire self feels alight with joy. There is no better place to be than here, with Kay in his arms._

Marc woke to the darkness and the oppressive emptiness of his flat and sighed. Another day. Another empty, lonely day with nothing but his regret. He got up, because there was no point lingering in bed on his own. Before, he could spend hours in bed with Kay. But that part of his life was gone, over and it was never coming back.

It had been just a week since he’d gone in search of Kay and found nothing but an empty apartment. In that moment, feelings of abandonment, hurt and self-recrimination had turned to anger. He hated to admit that he’d lost it a bit and he was pretty sure he’d cost Kay his security deposit on the flat.

Punching walls and kicking doors hadn’t made him feel any better. After seven days, the red hot anger had turned to a dark, heavy depression that he wasn’t sure he would ever get out of. Kay was gone and it was all his fault.

He stripped off and got in the shower. He had to be at work in an hour. At least he still had that. At least nobody had found out.

Under the hot spray of the shower, his thoughts turned again to Kay. The feeling of his skin beneath his hands, hot and soft and responsive; the feel of his mouth, desperate for every kiss, whether rough or soft; it was all so fresh and clear in his mind.

He closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling of the water on his skin.

_‘C’mon,’ Kay murmurs, pushing his hips into him. ‘Can’t you feel how hard I am, how much I want you?’_

_Marc smirks. He can feel and he knows Kay can feel his hard-on too. He grasps his lover’s hips firmly and pushes him hard into the shower wall. Kay grins, the delight clear in his eyes. Marc grabs his wrists and pins them behind his back, enclosing them in one hand._

_Kay is grinning from ear to ear and Marc knows why; he loves getting Marc to do what he wants. And he’s so good at it._

_He cups his jaw, traces the carefully designed stubble, then claims that soft pink mouth in a kiss. Kay moans softly against him. Marc pushes against him, letting him feel his hard dick against his thigh and the same time as he trails his hand down his neck to his chest. He pulls back from the kiss so he can watch Kay’s face as his fingers find a nipple and squeeze hard._

_Kay’s eyes drift closed and he lets out a moan which would be obscene if it weren’t just them. Marc grins. He loves making Kay make those sorts of noises. It takes just the right amount of pain and pleasure._

_‘More, Marc,’ Kay begs. He bites his lip and moans again. ‘Please.’_

_There is nothing better than that word on Kay’s lips. Marc cannot help but give him everything he wants._

Marc groaned with frustration and smashed his fist into the tile.

‘Ah, fuck,’ he grunted, his hand throbbing. ‘Well that was fucking stupid.’

He was supposed to be leading boxing sessions at school that day. How was he supposed to do that with his hand throbbing like this?

He rinsed off and got out, cursing his own temper. It had never done him any good. He got dressed in his sports kit and got some breakfast, trying not to think about Kay. It was impossible. He was in his thoughts every moment and he couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.

All that shit about wanting to give Kay whatever he wanted. That was one thing in bed but in real life, he couldn’t give him anything. He was too much of a pussy.

Kay followed Rik into one of the swishest apartment buildings he’d ever seen, all glass walls and sparkling chrome. The lift was mirrored and Kay closed his eyes because he didn’t want to see himself. He could feel Rik looking curiously at him but he didn’t say anything.

When the lift doors opened, Rik took a firm hold on his wrist and led him out. Kay opened his eyes and looked as Rik took him into his apartment.

‘Penthouse, of course. What do you think?’

Kay looked around. It was mostly open-plan and very modern with black leather and chrome furnishings. There seemed to be more windows than walls.

‘Thomas, turn the lights on,’ said Rik and the lights came on.

Kay glanced curiously at him and Rik smiled. ‘I prefer my smart home assistants to have male names.’

‘So you like men who do what you tell them?’

Rik laughed. ‘Precisely. So? What _do_ you think?’

‘It’s nice. Bigger than my place.’

Rik put his arm around his shoulders. ‘It’s bigger than most places.’

Kay looked at him. ‘Are we going to fuck or what? I didn’t come here to admire your interior decorating.’

Rik raised an eyebrow. ‘Tell me what you want me to do.’

‘I want you to fuck me,’ replied Kay immediately.

Rik smiled just a little, then his face became stern. ‘The bedroom is through there. There’s lube in the cabinet in the ensuite. I want you ready and waiting, face against the wall.’ He turned away. ‘I’ll be through in a minute.’

Kay watched him walk towards the kitchen area. He opened a cupboard and took out a glass.

He glanced back at Kay and smirked. ‘If you’re not ready for me, I won’t make allowances for you.’

Kay wasn’t sure what he meant exactly but he picked up the threatening tone easily enough. It occurred to him that he could still change his mind. Rik hadn’t yet shut the front door. He could just leave. He could go home and find a movie to distract himself instead. He could focus on his work, eat well and, slowly, get over Marc.

But he already knew he wasn’t going to do that.

He took a deep breath, shut the front door, then turned towards the bedroom. He felt Rik’s eyes on him as he drank his glass of water. Kay went into the bedroom. They both knew he was in this, wherever it took him.


	3. Chapter 3

Rik’s bedroom was as big as the rest of the apartment. Kay was probably supposed to be impressed by it but he wasn’t. It meant nothing really. He didn’t care about money or things. The only thing he cared about right then was how good this Rik was with his cock.

The bathroom was big too, all shining chrome and mirrored surfaces. There was a huge mirror taking up half of one wall. He found the lube in the cupboard and stripped off before he did what he had to do, avoiding looking in the mirror. He tried not to think of Marc but the thoughts came anyway.

_‘Get yourself ready for me, baby,’ Marc commands, his voice low and husky. ‘I want to watch you.’_

_The barely restrained lust in his voice sends spirals of pleasure through Kay. He looks into those blue eyes, dark with arousal and Kay wants him. He wants to be taken by him, to give himself to him completely. He thinks he already has._

_Marc presses the lube bottle into Kay’s hand and kisses him. At first it is soft and sweet, but then it becomes hard and possessive as Marc’s desire for him overtakes him. Kay loves to make him lose it like this. It’s the best feeling in the world._

Kay was hard and it wasn’t because he was getting himself ready for Rik. He wanted sex, needed sex but he couldn’t have it with who he wanted and he never would again. He had to move on. Rik was as good a guy to do that with as any.

_Marc’s hand on his cock, grasping it in a firm grip. His mouth on his neck, biting down in just the right spot._

He went back through to the bedroom. Face against the wall, Rik had said, but there was only one free wall. The rest were taken up by the bed and by a large, fitted wardrobe. The fourth wall wasn’t a wall but floor to ceiling windows. The lights were off so he knew he was unlikely to be seen, but the possibility thrilled him.

He heard footsteps in the hall and he quickly moved into position, standing facing the wall and listening out for Rik. His footsteps were quiet and steady and Kay could hear him breathing.

Then he was behind Kay and his breath was hot on the back of his neck. Kay closed his eyes and it was Marc with him.

_Marc’s hands on his hips, Marc kissing the back of his neck._

‘I’m gonna fuck you.’ His voice was deep and husky in his ear and Kay could just about pretend it was Marc’s voice.

He pushed back into him. ‘Then what are you waiting for?’

‘Mmm, now that’s what I like to hear.’ He grasped Kay by the hips and pulled him backwards. Kay felt Rik’s cock nudging against his asshole.

Then he was guiding it inside him, pushing firmly until he was filling him up. Kay groaned as that delicious sensation rumbled through his body.

Rik kept his hips still for a moment but his hands trailed over Kay’s body, exploring him roughly. It was nothing like Marc’s tender touches, just hard and rough. Kay revelled in the sensation as finally he pushed away the memories of Marc and he was fully in the moment.

Rik pinched his nipples hard and Kay let out a groan. Rik chuckled against him.

‘You are an eager boy.’ He dropped one hand to Kay’s hip, pulled back and thrust hard. His other hand maintained its grip on his nipple and he pulled, squeezed and twisted along with each hard thrust. Kay kept his eyes closed and gave himself up to the sensations assaulting his body as Rik fucked him into the wall.

The groans, heavy breaths and the rhythmic slapping of their fucking filled the room and Kay knew he could lose himself in this. He wanted to lose himself.

‘Say my name,’ hissed Rik in his ear.

But Kay didn’t want to. He couldn’t. If he tried, it wouldn’t be Rik’s name that came out of his mouth. It would be Marc’s.

Rik slapped his thigh but didn’t comment on his lack of response to his request. Maybe he was too busy fucking.

Despite the confusing thoughts in his head, Kay’s body responded easily to the sensations of being fucked. This was what he craved. This was what he needed. He gave himself up to it and, without even having had his cock touched, he came against the wall.

Rik groaned as he felt Kay clench around him. He bit down on Kay’s shoulder and came inside him, filling him with warmth.

Kay sagged against the wall, suddenly exhausted. Rik gathered him up. Kay just thought how surprising that was before he passed out in his arms.

He woke in bed. He was clean, still naked, and the covers were over him. He shifted and realised he wasn’t alone in the bed. Rik was there, sitting up next to him, reading a book.

As Kay shifted, Rik realised he was awake. ‘Ah, you’re back with me. I’m not sure how to take a guy passing out after I’ve fucked him.’

‘I’m not sure how you should take it either.’

‘Do you need to eat something maybe?’

Kay sat up. ‘No, I’m all right. Thanks.’

Rik shrugged. He seemed different now, no longer that cold and calm in control type. He seemed like a normal person. ‘There’s some water on the side. Maybe have a few sips. Might make you feel better.’

Kay looked and saw a glass of cold water on the nightstand. He picked up the glass and took a few sips. He could feel Rik watching him.

‘Was it what you wanted? The sex.’

Kay shrugged. ‘I guess so.’

‘We could do it again. Tonight. Or maybe another time?’

Kay looked at him. There was a nervous, almost vulnerable look in his sharp blue eyes. It made Kay feel curious. Was there another side to this man that he hadn’t considered? There’d been another side to Marc, more than he had first seen, more than he had discovered, even after all their time together. Kay had always been a curious person. If someone was an enigma, it only made him want them more.

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘I’d like that.’

Rik smiled and Kay felt like his curiosity was going to be rewarded. Maybe this was exactly the distraction from Marc that he needed.


	4. Chapter 4

‘I should go,’ said Kay, sliding out of the bed. He felt Rik watching him as he got dressed.

‘I’ll call you and we can set something up, yeah?’

Kay glanced round at him. ‘Yeah, sure.’ He pulled his jeans and t-shirt on then sat back down to put on his socks. Rik sat behind him, leaned in and kissed the back of his neck.

‘I can’t wait to see you again,’ he murmured.

Kay arched an eyebrow. This was more demonstrative than he was expecting, possibly more than he was comfortable with. ‘Yeah, we’ll hook up again.’

Rik put his arms around his chest and held him firmly. ‘Take care, won’t you?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, it’s probably not the best idea to go home with men you don’t know.’

Kay frowned. ‘Then why did you bring me here?’

‘Because I wanted you,’ said Rik, smoothly. ‘I wanted you more than anyone I’ve seen in a long time.’ He dropped soft, butterfly kisses along the back of his neck. ‘I couldn’t resist you, no matter what the rules said.’

Part of Kay knew this was bullshit but the words were exactly the ones he’d been longing to hear. Just not from a random guy. From one particular guy.

Rik kissed his neck again. ‘But don’t do that again,’ he said, softly. ‘I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.’

‘I can take care of myself.’

Rik shifted a little so he could look into Kay’s face. ‘You’re a strong guy.’ He smiled. ‘I could tell that the moment I met you. But please, promise me you’ll be careful.’

Kay studied his face for a moment, confused by this apparent evidence of care from this perfect stranger. He hadn’t even been able to get his boyfriend to admit he cared about him and now he was getting it from a one-night stand. Except Kay already knew he wasn’t going to be a one-night stand. They were going to meet up and they were going to fuck, again and again and again. Because this was exactly what he needed. A distraction, sex and some human contact to take him away from the crushing loneliness in his heart.

He didn’t even want to think about that. He didn’t want it to be real.

He took a deep breath. ‘I promise,’ he said softly.

Rik beamed at him and kissed him, softly on his mouth. Kay realised it was their first actual kiss. They were doing it all backwards compared to what had happened with Marc.

_But that’s okay. Because this isn’t a love story_ , said a voice in his head. It was like Marc’s voice, though Marc had never once used that word. _You’re not going to be in a love story._

He pulled away and found his shoes. ‘I really have to go. I’ve got work in a few hours.’

‘Where do you work?’

‘I’m a personal trainer,’ said Kay, deliberately not saying where. There were plenty of gyms in Berlin.

‘Ah,’ said Rik, smirking. ‘So that’s why you’re so fit.’

Kay rolled his eyes and smiled. ‘Will you get me a taxi?’

‘I could drive you.’

‘A taxi’s fine. I’ll pay.’ He shrugged. ‘I just don’t know where I am.’

Rik chuckled. ‘True.’ He dug out his phone. ‘Well, you will next time.’ He tapped his phone a few times, then looked up with a smile. ‘It’ll be here in five.’

Kay nodded. ‘I’ll go wait downstairs.’ He turned and made his way back out to the hall. Rik followed him. He caught up with him at the door, grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him round. Kay caught his breath a second before Rik pressed his back to the door. Kay blinked at him, then Rik was leaning in meeting his lips.

Kay went with it, as Rik deepened the kiss. To anyone looking, it would have looked passionate but Kay was only going through the motions. In his mind, he was comparing it to every kiss he’d shared with Kay. It was technically perfect, and his body responded easily enough. But not his heart.

_Stop it_ , he chided himself. _You can’t have Marc so mooning about him is pointless. Just get over it._

The kiss ended and Rik pulled back and gave him an intense look. ‘I’ll call you, baby.’

Kay winced. ‘Yeah, before you do, can you pick a different endearment. I don’t like that one.’

Rik shrugged. ‘Sure.’

Kay let himself out and made his way downstairs. The taxi wasn’t there yet so he leaned against the front of the building and waited. As always when he had any time, his mind went to Marc. It was nearly a year since Marc had first started coming to his old gym. Kay smiled when he thought about how they’d danced around each other at first, how slow on the uptake Marc had been despite Kay’s shameless flirting.

_‘So, you come here a lot?’ Kay asks, with half a laugh at the well-used line._

_Marc blinks at him. ‘Huh? Well, no not really. Last week was my first time.’ He blushes. ‘My first time coming to this gym, I mean.’ He rubs the back of his head. ‘I’m not really sure why I came except the equipment at school’s getting kind of old and I thought it might be good to try something a bit more up to date.’_

_Kay gives him a sweet smile. ‘Well, I’m glad you came here.’_

_Marc’s blush deepens and he licked his lips. Kay smirks and all he can think about is pushing Marc against the nearest wall and kissing him until they’re both breathless and hard._

_But he’s not sure about him yet. He might be straight, or he might just be oblivious but, so far, he hasn’t responded to any flirting. Time would tell. Kay just had to be patient. And in the meantime, he could enjoy the sight of Marc’s muscles flexing as he lifts the weights Kay assigns for him. He really does love his job._


	5. Chapter 5

After a packed morning of teaching, Marc just wanted to be alone at lunchtime. People tended to think that gym teachers worked out all day but he was usually so busy helping the kids or refereeing or going through the theory that he didn’t get much exercise done himself.

There was something about it he needed. He’d always been like that but now it was like he needed it even more. Without Kay around, he needed to put his effort into something. He needed to be so exhausted that he couldn’t think about him anymore.

It was slightly inconvenient that the thing which distracted him when he had too much to think about, also made him think of the thing he really didn’t want to think about right now. But he didn’t know what else to do so he set off on a run around the school track. It wasn’t the most inspiring place to run but it did the job. He tried to focus on the steady pounding of his feet on the rubber track. It felt good to just run without thinking.

Except the thoughts didn’t stay away long. As he ran around the same endless track, he closed his eyes and immediately he was with Kay.

_The woods are beautiful; the bright green of the leaves; the dark rich brown of the trunks; and the way the dappled sunlight shines through the trees. But Marc’s attention is caught more by the way the sun picks up the golden strands in Kay’s hair, those dimples as he grins and that bright, happy look in those sparkling blue eyes._

_‘Come on,’ says Kay. ‘We going to run or not?’_

_It had been Kay’s idea to come here, or rather Marc had mentioned how bored he was of treadmills._

_‘I hate treadmills too. Let me show you where_ I _run,’ Kay had said, with one of those grins Marc was beginning to live for._

_So now they were here and Marc is uncomfortable with the squirming feelings in his belly as he looks at this beautiful man._

_Fuck, why is he thinking these things? He’s not gay. He likes women. But he cannot deny how he feels when he looks at Kay._

_He’s not ready to face it. Without replying to Kay’s question, he takes off running. Kay is unperturbed and just breaks into a run too, easily keeping pace with Marc and still with that cocky grin on his face. Marc doesn’t want to admit what that cocky grin does to him._

It hadn’t been as late as Kay had thought when he got back to his flat so he managed to get a few hours of sleep. He felt like he’d scratched an itch, satisfied a need so he slept easier than he had been doing lately.

The next day, work was another good distraction. It was busier than his old gym and he had almost constant sessions booked. Most of them were men but he had a few nice middle-aged ladies as well.

Just after lunch, his boss, Herr Stark, came over to him. ‘Kay, could we have a word in my office?’

Kay blinked at him. Was this good or bad? He didn’t seem annoyed but then some people were hard to read.

‘Sure, Herr Stark,’ he said, politely.

‘Please, call me Stefan. I don’t like to be so formal.’

They went through to his office. He gestured to the sofa and Kay sat down. Stefan perched on the edge of his desk.

‘You’ve been doing a great job these last couple of days. How do you feel you’re settling in?’

‘Er, yeah, fine. Getting to know my clients and the routines.’

‘Before you know it, you’ll feel like you’ve never worked anywhere else.’

Kay didn’t reply to that. He knew that was the sort of thing bosses said but he knew he’d never forget the last place he’d worked. Too much of Marc was bound up in it.

_‘Aw, Scheiße, cramp, cramp,’ exclaims Marc, releasing the less press and clutching his calf, grunting in pain._

_Kay drops to his side immediately. ‘Don’t tense,’ he murmurs. ‘Relax into it.’ He reaches for him, removing Marc’s hand from the cramping muscle and replacing it with his own. He starts to massage it, just in the way he has been taught. But he isn’t focusing on technicalities. Marc’s skin is soft and hot and the feel of his firm muscles makes Kay tingle._

_His mind shows him images of Marc pinning him down and taking him, hard and fast, and he can’t help wondering what it would feel like._

_He glances up and his heart thuds in his chest as he realises Marc is staring at him. No, gazing at him like he’s an all-you-can-eat buffet he can’t wait to indulge in. Realising his mouth is dry, Kay swallows before he speaks._

_‘Does that feel better?’ he asks._

_Marc swallows too before he replies. ‘Yeah. Great. I think maybe my body’s telling me I’ve had enough for today.’_

_Kay nods, staying on his knees. He likes the way it feels to look up at Marc from a kneeling position._

_‘Don’t forget to cool down. Try a gentle swim.’_

_‘Er y-yeah. Good idea.’ Marc stumbles a little as he gets up, grabs his towel and water bottle, and heads off, forgetting to wipe his machine down. Kay doesn’t mind. For Marc, he’s happy to do it for him._

‘The thing is, Kay,’ said Stefan, bringing his attention back to the present. ‘Although technically, we aren’t officially a gay gym, we do attract a lot of gay customers because of the area and because we’re known to be gay friendly.’

Kay nodded. He knew that. It was part of the reason he’d chosen this job from all those he’d been offered. He wanted to be out without worrying. He was sick of falling for straight guys and guys so far in the closest they might as well be in Narnia.

‘We don’t have a policy against anyone dating their clients, and your private life is your business but, just as a warning, there are guys who come here who are known for trying to get a discount if they feel close to you, if you know what I mean.’

Kay laughed. ‘Yeah. I know what you mean. Don’t worry, I know how to keep work separate from my personal life.’

_Now you do_ , said that Marc-like voice again.

Stefan held out his hand and Kay took it. Stefan shook it firmly. ‘Nice to have with us, Kay. Any problems, come to me. We look after each other here.’

‘Thanks, I’ll bear that in mind.’

Kay left the office, feeling calm and relaxed. Stefan seemed like a great boss, supportive and pleasant. He didn’t get a gay reading from him, and he hadn’t at his interview either, but he was clearly open-minded and keen to look after his staff.

Eager to get back to work, Kay headed across the gym towards the reception, ready to meet his next client. He came within sight of the front desk and stopped as he caught sight of a now-familiar face. He twisted uncomfortably as Rik’s gaze fell on him.


	6. Chapter 6

Rik gave him a big friendly smile. ‘Well, this is a co-incidence! What a surprise to see you, Kay.’ 

Kay raised an eyebrow. He knew that was fake but it was pretty convincing. ‘You’re my next appointment?’ he said, keeping his voice neutral. 

Rik nodded. ‘Yeah. I just thought I could do with a little help with my motivation to work out. You going to be hard on me?’ 

‘Only as hard as you want me to be,’ Kay said smoothly. He turned, knowing Rik would follow him. 

There were two voices in his head. One was screaming at him, telling him to kick off, demand Rik be escorted out of here, demand that he leaves him the fuck alone. 

But the other, and Kay knew this was stronger, wanted desperately to sink into the all-consuming danger that Rik represented. He wanted to be consumed because then he could forget the pain that Marc had left inside his head and inside his heart. He’d swap that pain for anything.

He led Rik to one of the workout rooms, at least one of which could usually be relied upon to be empty. They stepped inside and Kay turned to shut the door behind them.

He looked at Rik with a frown. ‘I know this wasn’t just a coincidence. What game are you playing?’

‘No games. I just wanted to see you.’

‘I gave you my number. You could have just called me.’

‘And missed that look on your face? Now that’s been the best part of my day. So far.’

Kay shook his head, smiling a little. ‘You are bold.’

It makes a change. 

‘Why shouldn’t I be? I want you. And I don’t care who knows.’

Kay swallowed. It was like Rik knew exactly what to say to get to him.

‘I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be a client. But how about we go for a drink tonight?’

‘A date?’

Kay shrugged. ‘A date, or a hookup, whichever you like.’

Rik grinned. ‘Oh, a date. Definitely a date. I’ll send a cab to your flat for you.’ He leaned in and kissed Kay’s cheek. ‘Wear something pretty. Black and tight. I like tight.’

Then he turned and walked away. Kay frowned. He felt wrong-footed. That was not how he’d expected that to go. He’d expected a fumble or a quick fuck against the wall. 

He’d also expected himself to have been angrier about Rik following him and to tell him off maybe. But he just hadn’t. He couldn’t actually bring himself to care that much.

It was only later when he was leaving work that he realised what Rik had said. He was sending a cab to his flat. He knew where he lived.

Okay. So that was a bit stalkery. But if he had to Kay could up and leave again, just disappear to some of the parts of the city. Again, the sensible part of him knew, he should end this. But that other voice, the part of him that was in pain knew he was already too deeply enthralled to this thrill.

He got home, took a quick shower. As always when he showered, his thoughts turned to Marc. They’d showered together a lot. Sometimes the fucked in the shower, other times it was just to get clean after fucking. They’d done a lot of fucking. It was like Marc didn’t trust himself to do anything beyond just fucking, like as long as it was just sex, it didn’t mean anything. What Kay wouldn’t have given to go on an actual date with Marc, to get to know him properly, to slowly explore each other, to find common interests beyond just sex. 

But, in the end, Kay had to face that’s what it was. It had never been a relationship. It was sex, that’s all. That’s all he was to Marc. That was painfully obvious now. 

He rinsed off and got out. Maybe Rik was someone who would treat him like he worth something more than just someone to be fucked. Maybe to Rik he’d be more than just a dirty little secret. 

Standing in his bedroom in just a towel, he looked into his wardrobe. Something black and tight, Rik had said. Kay wasn’t usually the type to just obey. In fact, he liked to refer to himself as an anarchist, at least in spirit. In bed it was different. He liked a bit of mastery then, on his terms of course. Marc had been particularly good at that. 

No, stop it. What’s the point of thinking about him? You can’t have him. Just forget everything about him. You don’t need to know that anymore. 

In defiance of the person he’d always been, he picked out a tight black t-shirt and black jeans, as Rik had told him. He was in this already so why not go all in and try to change who he was? He didn’t have to be Marc’s Kay anymore, the one who’d had his heart broken. No, he could be Rik’s Kay, the one who obeyed, the one who loved the thrill of being claimed. At least someone wanted to claim him. 

At seven, he got a text from the taxi company informing him his cab was outside. He grabbed his wallet and keys, pulled on his jacket and headed outside. 

The cab was prepaid and took him to a restaurant. Kay frowned. 

‘Are you sure this is the place?’ he asked the driver. 

‘This is the place.’

Kay saw Rik at the doorway and he got out of the car and crossed to him. ‘I thought we said a drink?’

‘You haven’t eaten, have you?’

‘No, but...’

‘Perfect. Come on.’

‘Look, I’m not really dressed for a restaurant. If you’d said I would have put a proper shirt on.’

Rik’s gaze swept him up and down and smiled. ‘You look perfect. Black and tight, just like I said.’ He reached around and gave Kay’s ass what could only be described as a love pat. 

‘Good boy,’ he murmured. 

Startled, Kay didn’t respond, just took a step forward. ‘Shall we go in then?’

Rik enclosed Kay’s wrist with his fingers and tugged him forwards, into the restaurant. 


	7. Chapter 7

The restaurant was fairly fancy and Kay felt distinctly underdressed. Rik wasn’t. Obviously, he’d been planning to come here. He was in an expensive black suit, with a purple shirt and tie.

‘Table for Mader, please,’ he said to the maître d’. _Ah, so he had booked this_ , Kay thought.

He saw Marc in his mind, frowning at him. _So you’d rather be with this guy than me?_ Marc’s voice said in his head.

 _At least he isn’t ashamed to be seen with me_ , replied Kay. He shook his head. He was going crazy, having arguments with Marc in his own head.

‘Here we are, gentlemen,’ said the maître d’, as he led them to their table. Rik pulled out a chair for Kay and he sat down, surprised. He smiled, feeling warmth inside. Rik had just made it explicitly clear to everyone that this was a date. That was something Marc would never do.

Once Kay was seated, Rik sat down opposite him. The maître d’ went to pass them menus, but Rik held his hand up.

‘We will have the beef tenderloin, medium-rare. Mine with the potato dumplings and Brussel Sprouts. He’ll have the green salad.’

‘Very good, Sir. And to drink?’

‘Just cold sparkling water. We’re avoiding alcohol.’

‘Excellent choice, Sir,’ he said, then excused himself.

Kay looked at Rik. ‘You do know I’m not your wife in the 50s, right?’

Rik smiled. ‘I like to take care of people. Anyway, I know what’s good here.’

‘You know, I like potato dumplings too.’

Still smiling, Rik reached out and took his hand. ‘As I said, I like to look after people, especially people I care about. Gotta watch your carbs, right?’ He paused and gave Kay another of those appraising looks, then grinned. ‘Because you’re just perfect as you are.’

Despite himself, Kay felt a smile spread across his face. He craved hearing things like that, though not from Rik. But if he was the only person who was going to care about him, why not? He didn’t have anyone else.

Rik smiled back at him. ‘So, tell me about yourself, Kay. I want to know all about you.’

Kay sat back in his chair. ‘There isn’t much to tell. I’m just me.’

‘What, no friends or family to tell me about?’

‘No, just me, as you see me.’

Rik chuckled softly. ‘So, your surname is literal, is it? You’re an angel from heaven, are you?’

Kay snorted. ‘No. I had parents once.’ He frowned. ‘How did you know my surname anyway?’

Rik gave a mild sort of smile. ‘I have money. It means I can find out things I’m interested in.’ He gave Kay an intense look. ‘And I am interested in you Kay Engel.’

Kay didn’t know what to say to that but he was saved by the arrival of the sparkling water and the cutlery. Kay watched the waiter but didn’t speak. Rik thanked him when he’d finished and waited until he’d left before he turned to Kay again.

‘So, Angel, are you going to tell me about your parents?’

Kay looked away. ‘It’s nothing special. Same story as about half the gay guys around, right? Came out, kinda dramatically to be fair to them.’

‘What happened?’

Kay looked back at him. ‘This probably isn’t the best conversation to be having in a posh restaurant.’

Rik grinned. ‘I don’t care what anybody thinks of what we talk about, Schatz. Tell it as loud as you like.’

Kay smirked. ‘Well, my parents caught me giving a blow job to a family friend. Kicked me out.’ He took a deep breath and looked Rik in the eyes. Those sharp blue eyes looked right back at him.

‘I decided right then that I’d just move on when I had to and never look back.’

‘I get the feeling you’ve had to do that more than once. Maybe fairly recently.’

Again the moment was interrupted by the waiter, this time bringing the food. They both fell silent until he’d gone again, with Rik thanking him as before.

Kay focused on his steak. It did look good, though he would have preferred the potato dumplings and the Brussel sprouts with it. He loved potato dumplings. His Oma used to make them for him when he was a kid. A long time ago now.

He shook his head. No going back.

‘Go on,’ said Rik. ‘You were telling me about the last time you’ve had to move on.’

Kay glanced at him. ‘You were right, this steak is amazing.’

Rik reached out and touched his forearm, his finger gently caressing Kay’s skin. ‘Tell me, Schatz.’

Kay shrugged. ‘Well, you know, choosing the wrong guy to fall in love with. Typical me.’ He felt his expression harden. ‘You know when you fall in love with a closeted guy and you’re nothing but a fuck to him? Or a series of fucks. Yeah, that.’

Rik’s hand moved lower down and he caressed Kay’s palm with one finger. ‘Oh, Schatz, I’m sorry.’

Kay shrugged, refocusing on his dinner. ‘Like I said, you’ve got to know when to move on and not look back.’

‘You’re still looking back though, aren’t you?’

Kay took a deep breath. ‘It’s a work in progress. _I’m_ a work in progress.’

Without Kay, Marc’s days were all the same. He went to work. He came home. He ate. He planned his lessons. He went to bed.

The days melded into one, each one endless and over too quickly at the same time. He needed something different. That was how he’d ended up with Kay in the first place. He’d been bored and lonely and that was it. It didn’t mean anything.

It was a Friday night and, on impulse, he downloaded a dating app and started scrolling through it for any possible woman to date, or have a one night stand with. Anybody. But nobody caught his eye.

He considered going out, finding a club but he couldn’t get Kay out of his mind. He knew why. He didn’t want some random woman. He wanted Kay.

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t be gay or bisexual or anything. He wouldn’t fit into his own world anymore. It was all right for Kay. He didn’t have family or anyone else. It didn’t matter to him what people thought of him. But it mattered to Marc. Liking men didn’t fit into _his_ world, not with his friends, not with his job, not with his parents. He simply couldn’t do it.

It had been one thing when they’d kept it just between them but Kay had wanted more, and Marc just couldn’t give it to him. It was impossible and here they were. Kay had chosen not to be with him if it meant keeping them a secret. That was the choice Kay had made and now they both had to live with it.


	8. Chapter 8

_These morning runs have become a bright spark in Marc’s day, the thing that makes him excited to get up in the morning. It’s ridiculous. He could go running any other time. He could go at lunch. He could go after school. He could go on his own._

_But he doesn’t. Four days a week, he gets up with the dawn, more than an hour early and drives out of the city to the woods to go running with Kay Engel._

_It’s that smile. It’s 5:30 am and when Marc pulls up in his car, his gaze immediately seeks out Kay. He’s leaning against his car with his arms folded across his chest. He is taking in the scenery, wearing jogging pants, a t-shirt and his running shoes. The sun is bright and picks up the golden strands in Kay’s hair. He looks completely casual and absolutely beautiful._

_Beautiful? Marc shakes his head. No, he’s not supposed to be thinking that. Sure, he’s a good-looking guy and he keeps himself fit but Marc shouldn’t be noticing anything else. Yet his mind echoes that word at him over and over again and his heart is racing at the sight of him._

_Trying to look casual, he gets out of the car, strips off his jacket and stashes his car key in his pants pocket before he jogs over._

_Kay stands up straight, arms dropping to his sides and his gaze raking shamelessly over him. Marc has already figured out that Kay is gay, because the other man does absolutely nothing to hide it. He flirts shamelessly with every good-looking guy who comes near, even if he’s not interested in being with them. He even flirts with Marc._

_‘Hey, honey,’ he says, those blue eyes sparkling. ‘Ready to get all hot and sweaty with me?’_

_Marc laughs, though it seems to come out a little loudly._

_Kay smirks at him and slaps him lightly on the shoulder. ‘C’mon then. See if you can beat me this time.’_

_Marc stands watching as Kay turns and sets out. It’s so hard to take his gaze away from him._

_Realising he’s not beside him, Kay turns and, jogging backwards, grins at him. ‘Come on, stud. Or you’re never going to catch me!’_

‘Marc, are you listening?’

Marc blinked, dragging himself back to the present and looked at his father. ‘Sorry, Papa. What did you say?’

It was Sunday and he was having dinner with his parents at their house, like he did almost every week. This week it was his mama’s Jägerschnitzel with red cabbage and potato dumplings. It was one of his favourites but he was finding it difficult to eat. Kay loved Jägerschnitzel and potato dumplings. Not that he had ever had Marc’s mama’s version of the dish. Marc had kept him strictly away from his parents.

‘I was saying,’ said his father, with a hint of impatience to his voice. ‘That I think it’s about time you settled down.’

Marc’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Settled down?’

‘Found a nice girl, settled down,’ said his father.

‘Have babies,’ put in his mother. ‘I want some grandchildren before I’m too old to babysit.’

‘Mama, you’re only fifty-five. There’s plenty of time.’ He didn’t like this conversation.

‘Marc, you’re nearly thirty now. It seems you’re as far in your career as you’re going to progress, so we think it’s time you found someone.’

 _I found someone,_ Marc thought. _And lost him._

‘If the problem is financial, we’re quite happy to help,’ said his father. ‘We’ve actually …’ He paused and smiled at his wife. ‘We’ve bought the house next door. We’re almost finished doing it up. We thought we could rent it out until you’re ready to move in with your girlfriend.’

Marc looked between them. They both looked eager and pleased with themselves. He couldn’t bear to disappoint them. He put a smile on his face and nodded.

‘Sure, that’s a great idea. I’ve … got no one on the horizon right now but well, we’ll see what happens.’

‘There’s all this online dating now,’ said his mama, eagerly. ‘I’m sure you could meet a nice girl.’

He reached out and took her hand. ‘I’ll try, mama. I promise.’

‘It’s just like anything else,’ said his father, in that kind of tone that invited no argument. ‘You just have to put the effort in. That’s the only way to get results.’

Marc fought not to roll his eyes. ‘I know, Papa.’ He hated it when his father was like this. He always thought he knew exactly what everyone else should do and could never understand why they wouldn’t obey him.

_‘Let’s take a break,’ says Kay, then suddenly turns off the path and disappears between the trees._

_Marc hurries to follow him. In a couple of seconds, he captures him in his vision again. He’s walking now, picking his way carefully through the trees in a way that says he knows he’s being observed and likes it._

_Marc doesn’t say anything, just follows him. After a few moments, they come out into a clearing. Kay doesn’t seem surprised. He just leans back against a stack of logs and reaches into his pocket. He looks at Marc, with a grin as he pulls out a pre-rolled joint._

_Surprised, Marc raises his eyebrows. ‘Didn’t think you were the type to smoke pot.’_

_‘I like to think of myself as an anarchist,’ says Kay with a smirk._

_‘Aren’t you a gym nut?’_

_Kay laughs, his eyes sparkling. ‘It’s a job, not an obsession.’ He raises the joint to his mouth and focuses on lighting it._

_Marc watches him. There’s something fascinating about that little frown between his eyebrows and his pursed lips as he concentrates._

_‘So, what is your obsession if it’s not the gym?’_

_Kay inhales, closing his eyes for a moment in apparent ecstasy. ‘Men,’ he says, opening his eyes and looking straight at Marc with fire in his eyes._

_Marc is captured in that gaze for a moment and he cannot look away._

_Kay holds the gaze for a moment, then breaks it and inhales again. He lets out a long sigh as he exhales and his lips turn up in a small smile. ‘You want a drag?’_

_Marc shakes his head. ‘No, thanks. My Papa’s a cop.’_

_Kay snorts, then giggles. ‘You do know you’re not a teenager anymore, right?’_

_Marc grins. ‘Yeah, I know.’_

_‘So it doesn’t matter what your papa thinks of you.’ He drops his gaze suddenly. ‘It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you.’ He looks back at Marc. ‘It only matters what you think of yourself.’_

_Marc doesn’t know what to say but he feels the words echo inside him and he knows they are going to stay with him._


	9. Chapter 9

Kay realised he was being dated. In the past couple of weeks, Rik had taken him bowling, to the movies, and to dinner again, each time insisting Kay have all the best and that he would accept Rik paying for him.

Kay didn’t mind that too much. If that was how Rik wanted to spend his money, that was up to him. But he’d never really dated before. It was strange. The normal way of doing things for him was going out to find someone to fuck him, and it either turned into something more or it didn’t. Usually it didn’t.

And then there was Marc.

_The pit stop in that clearing has become routine. Kay did it deliberately because he wants desperately to get to know Marc better. Their stops are the only times when Marc talks to him. He knows he’s an only child and he goes to his parents’ house for dinner every Sunday. He knows his father is a cop and that he’d pressured Marc all his life to join the force too. He knew that the only thing Marc had wanted to do was help kids learn to love sport._

_Every run, Kay turns in here and they get their breath back, admire the scenery and talk. Sometimes Kay has a joint, sometimes he doesn’t. But Kay has noticed, whether he’s smoking or not, how often Marc looks at his mouth. In fact, he gazes at him whenever he thinks Kay is not looking. Kay makes sure he doesn’t look like he’s looking a lot._

_It’s a Saturday morning and they always linger on their breaks at the weekend. Kay waits for Marc to say when they’re done. When he’s ready, he says,_

_‘Shall we head off?’ and they jog on together._

_He hasn’t said it yet and Kay is taking his time with his joint. But now there are only a few drags left and that pleasant blissed-out feeling fills him. He knows it’s bad for his lungs but it’s good for his mind, helps him forget the hurt in his past and focus on the present._

_He watches the sunlight flicker through the trees, feels Marc’s gaze on him and is filled with a bubble of happiness._

_‘Hey, can I have some?’ asks Marc, his words coming out in a jumble._

_Kay glances at him and smirks. He’s stepping nervously from side to side and licking his lips._

_‘Sure,’ Kay says and holds it out just a little._

_Marc has to step closer to him to take it and he does, without hesitation. Their fingers touch and Marc’s breath hitches._

_He pulls back and takes a deep, eager drag of the joint._

_‘Steady,’ murmurs Kay. ‘You’re not used to it.’_

_Marc takes another deep drag, then stubs the joint out on the log pile. He meets Kay’s eyes for half a second, then lungs forward and captures his mouth in a kiss._

_Kay is so surprised, he stumbles a little but Marc clasps his jaw in both hands, gripping firmly. With a whimper, Kay submits to him, giving up control completely. Marc takes full advantage, kissing him with hard passion. His tongue is in his mouth and Kay cannot grab a breath as the pleasure consumes him completely._

_Then they both need to breathe and Marc breaks the kiss. He nibbles lightly on Kay’s bottom lip as they both pant for breath._

_Their bodies are pressed close together, not even an inch between them and Marc’s hands are still hard on his jaw. Oh, those hands. Kay wants to be claimed by those hands._

_He smirks as he feels Marc’s hard-on against his thigh. He nudges deliberately into it and feels Marc’s breath catch in his throat._

_‘Want me to help you with that?’ he asks with a smirk._

_Marc pulls back. His eyes are closed. His hands drop to Kay’s shoulders and he pushes down firmly._

_‘Get on your knees,’ he murmurs, his voice hoarse._

_Kay smirks and drops to his knees. The ground is rough against his skin and he regrets wearing shorts today._

_But he cannot, will never regret what is going to happen next. Still with his eyes closed, Marc tugs his cock out of his pants._

_Kay’s smirk widens and he reaches for Marc’s hips. He takes a moment to look at the fully erect cock in front of his face. It’s a nice length and thick. It will feel so good inside him._

_Marc’s hands land on his head and he tugs him forward. Fuck, Marc is hitting every submissive note in Kay’s body and mind._

_Delighted to obey, Kay goes forward and takes Marc’s cock into his mouth. It’s hot and heavy against his tongue. He sucks deliberately and Marc lets out a low, guttural moan. Spurred on, Kay takes him deeper. He wants to show off what he can do. Marc’s grips his hair hard and Kay relaxes his throat and takes him down._

_Fuck he loves this. On his knees in the middle of the woods for this beautiful man, using his body to give him pleasure._

_Marc starts to thrust and Kay takes him. He wants this fucking gorgeous man to claim him, make him his, fuck every hole._

_It’s fast and hard now, Marc fucking his mouth heedlessly and desperately and Kay takes every single thrust with delighted eagerness. He knows it’ll soon be over._

_Marc groans and his cock pulses. Then he is coming hot and hard down Kay’s throat. Kay swallows him down._

_Marc’s cock slips from his mouth and he tucks himself away immediately. Kay looks up and meets Marc’s dark blue eyes. They stare at each other, panting. Kay waits on his knees for his instructions. He’s achingly hard in his shorts and desperate for some relief._

_But instructions don’t come. Marc breaks the eye contact, blinking hard._

_‘I...’ he says, then closes his mouth._

_‘Marc?’ Kay ventures, standing. He reaches for him, fingers making contact with the back of his hand. ‘You all right?’_

_Marc steps back and the contact breaks._

_‘Fuck,’ Marc mutters, then he turns and runs away._

_Kay sags against the log pile, his breath coming hard. He guesses he’ll have to sort himself out. But fuck, what a memory to do it to._

‘Hey, mein Engel, what are you thinking about?’ Rik asked from the driver’s seat.

Kay glanced at him. He had that look on his face, the one that looked casual but was actually analysing. They on their way back to Rik’s place after dinner for a nightcap and Rik had been like this all evening, constantly watching and studying him.

Kay smiled. ‘Just reliving that excellent meal.’

Rik relaxed. ‘Didn’t I tell you their Jägerschnitzel was the best?’

‘Well, you were right.’

Rik took a hand off the steering wheel and placed it on Kay’s knee. ‘The sooner you learn I’m always right, mein Engel, the sooner everything will go right for you.’

Kay didn’t say anything. He found it best not to when Rik said things like that. He’d been using that nickname a lot lately and Kay wasn’t sure what he thought about it. It was better than baby. He didn’t like that anymore. But mein Engel was a bit weird because it was basically his surname. Still, it wasn’t objectionable really.

Rik squeezed his knee again, then started to stroke his thigh. ‘I was thinking, you could stay over tonight.’

Kay shrugged. ‘Sure, why not? I’ve got a day off tomorrow.’

‘I know,’ said Rik. He reached up and cupped the back of Kay’s neck, stroking his hair while keeping his focus on the road. ‘We can spend all night and all day together.’

Kay smiled. ‘You’ll have to actually cook something in that posh kitchen of yours.’

Rik waved his hand. ‘I’ll just order in.’

Kay fought not to roll his eyes. That was Rik all over. Why do ordinary work when you could get someone to do it for you? The only time he liked to get his hands dirty was with Kay. 


	10. Chapter 10

The moment he shut his apartment door behind them, Rik’s manner changed. Kay felt the shift from the casual to the intense control. His insides twisted with nerves. He didn’t yet know what Rik was going to be like when they did this properly.

They had talked about it. As he followed Rik into the living area for their coffees, Kay replayed the conversation they’d had at dinner that night.

‘You want to be dominated, don’t you?’ Rik had asked. ‘To give up all your power to another.’

‘It’s not about pain,’ he’d replied. ‘Or not just pain. ‘It’s about being able to trust someone so much that I can just disappear into them and know they’ll take care of me.’

Rik had given him a smile and a nod. ‘I know.’

And now they were here. Now he was sitting on Rik’s leather sofa, drinking a cup of strong black coffee and waiting for it to happen. Nervous as he was, he was also impatient. They’d talked about limits and safewords and now he was ready. It had been too long since he’d been able to disappear into that euphoria of giving his power to another.

‘Right, mein Engel, let’s do it,’ said Rik suddenly. He put his coffee cup down, stood and crossed to him. Kay still had a little coffee left but Rik took the cup out of his hands and put it on the table.

‘Get on your knees.’

A delicious thrill went through Kay at those words, that calm and in control manner. He obeyed, sliding down to the hardwood floor and looking up at Rik, waiting for further instructions.

Rik gazed at him for a moment, then reached out and stroked his hair.

‘You look so beautiful like this, mein Engel,’ he murmured, his voice a gentle caress. ‘So beautiful on your knees for me.’

His hand moved purposefully down to the back of Kay’s neck and he tugged him forward, firmly bringing his head to Rik’s crotch.

His face pressed against the soft material of his trousers, Kay breathed in. The masculine, slightly salty scent of cock filled his nostrils and he pressed his nose to the firm bulge in Rik’s pants.

‘Kiss it,’ Rik commanded softly.

Kay obeyed and Rik stroked his hair. ‘Good angel,’ he murmured. ‘Because that is all that matters to you now. You’ll do anything to please me, won’t you? You’ll do anything to get that cock.’

‘Ja,’ he murmured, his mouth still against that hot, hard cock he can feel through the material.

Rik gripped his jaw hard and jerked his head up. ‘Yes, what?’

‘Yes, Sir,’ Kay answered at once.

Rik stroked his jaw where he had gripped it. ‘Guter Engel.’

Kay felt a ripple go through him at those words. He wanted to please him. He wanted to be claimed and consumed by another’s power. He wanted Rik to be able to take the thoughts of Marc away.

Rik stood back and turned in the direction of his bedroom.

‘Follow me.’

Kay went to stand up. Immediately, Rik pushed him and he stumbled back onto the floor.

‘Did I say you could get off your knees?’

Kay shook his head. ‘No, Sir.’

‘You need to learn to do only what I tell you to do.’

‘Yes, Sir. I am sorry, Sir.’

Rik looked at him for a moment then shook his head. ‘You have earned a punishment.’ He turned away. ‘Follow me on your hands and knees.’

Kay picked himself up, getting back on his knees then put his hands on the hard floor and crawled after Rik.

This was what he needed. On his knees, ready to sink into a darker world, where there was no emotional pain, only the physical. He needed to sink into a world where he had no power to make decisions that would ruin his life, where he could only obey and face punishment if he did not. He had known right from the very first moment that Rik would provide that for him.

Marc lay in bed, wide awake. He’d been trying to sleep for some time but so far all he’d managed to achieve was getting much too warm by tossing and turning. He got up and headed over to the window. He pushed it open and looked outside. The air was cool and refreshing on his face. Below, the city was as busy as usual and he watched the lights on the horizon for a little while.

He remembered standing here after the first time he’d kissed Kay. He’d come home after that run, full of shame. He’d given into these desires that he didn’t even understand. He’d never felt like that before about a man, never wanted one. He’d never needed to kiss someone, to have someone so urgently like that. He hadn’t known what to do with those feelings.

_His phone rings from his bedside and Marc ignores it. He has been ignoring it for some time, just letting it ring over and over again. He doesn’t want to talk to Kay. He can’t face him. Kay won’t understand what he’s going through. It’s easy for him. He isn’t afraid._

_The phone stops suddenly, leaving only silence behind. Marc sighs. He leans against the window frame and stares blankly out at the city. It’s daytime and the rain is heavy, but there are still plenty of people about, going about their lives. All those lives and every one different. He knows there are so many troubles in the world but everybody else seems to know who they are. Only he doesn’t._

_No, that’s wrong. He does know who he is. He’s the man who is too afraid to go for what he wants._

_His phone beeps with a text message. Curious, Marc pushes himself upright and goes to check it. Kay’s name is on the screen, both in the missed calls and in one unread message. Marc taps on it and it opens._

Want to go jogging? I’ll wait in the usual place.

_Marc stares at his phone for a moment, then abruptly locks the screen and shoves it in his pocket. He crosses the room to his wardrobe and pulls out his running clothes._

Back then, the decision had been impulsive. Lured by the desire to kiss Kay again, to have him, Marc had pushed all thoughts aside and just gone for it. But now … now he could no longer just give into desire. Kay wanted more.

Marc couldn’t give it to him. He knew he’d never be able to give him what he wanted. Kay wanted … Kay deserved for Marc to love him, openly and without fear. But Marc couldn’t give him that. He wasn’t brave enough.


	11. Chapter 11

In the bedroom, Kay looked up at Rik from his hands and knees and waited. Rik smiled down at him, seeming to enjoy the sight before him.

‘Are you ready for your punishment?’ he asked.

‘Yes, Sir,’ Kay answered immediately.

Rik’s smiled widened. ‘Then you may stand up.’

Kay stood. He took care to obey Rik exactly. Rik paused again and Kay knew this was a deliberate strategy to up the tension of anticipation.

‘Take off your clothes and fold them neatly on the chair. You won’t be needing them again until you leave.’

Kay obeyed, neatly folded his clothes up and placing them on the easy chair in the corner. Then he turned back to Rik. Again Rik waited.

Then he stood, took a step towards Kay and reached out for his wrist. With a firm tug, he brought Kay close, then he sat down and pulled him face down over his knee.

Kay grinned, resting his cheek against the bed. He didn’t mind a good spanking, enjoyed it actually. If this were the punishment, maybe he would disobey Rik a little more often. His cock was already hard in anticipation and rubbed nicely against Rik’s trousers.

Rik hooked one leg over his, held him firmly across the back and raised his hand. Kay squirmed as his body pulsed with pleasure.

The first smack came down with a ringing slap and Kay bucked. That was much harder than he’d been expecting. Another smack came and another, each one hard and fast and in seconds, Kay was crying out. He hadn’t expected a real punishment but this was one. He considered saying his safeword but something stopped him. This was what he’d wanted, someone to take the power from him. He could safeword. He could claim his power back. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to give everything to Rik.

His ass was on fire as Rik spanked him hard and fast, each smack both punishing and arousing. There were tears in his eyes but his cock was still hard against Rik’s thigh. He wanted it to stop but he didn’t at the same time.

After several minutes of hard, punishing smacks, the spanking seemed to be over. Rik laid his hand on Kay’s lower back.

‘What do you have to say for yourself?’

‘I’m sorry for disobeying you, Sir.’

‘Good,’ said Rik. He trailed his fingers across Kay’s tender cheeks, then raised his hand and gave him two more hard smacks. Kay couldn’t help but cry out.

Then Rik was releasing him. ‘Stand up.’

Kay struggled to his feet, with Rik helping. He looked at Rik, waiting for him to say what he wanted next.

Rik turned his head in the direction of another chair in the room, a wooden one standing against the wall.

‘Go and kneel on that chair, facing the wall with your hands on your head.’

Kay obeyed immediately. He wanted to show Rik how well he could obey.

Rik chuckled softly as Kay kneeled on the hard wooden chair. ‘It seems that punishment made an impression on you. Good. I’d hate to have to use something more severe on you.’ He laughed. ‘Actually I wouldn’t. I’d love to.’

Kay didn’t reply, just put his hands on his head like he’d been told and kept his gaze on the wall. That wonderful fluttering pleasure was already taking over his body and that feeling he craved, the feeling of disappearing into Rik, was so close.

He could hear Rik moving around and guessed he was getting something ready for him. What, Kay didn’t know. It wasn’t his job to know. All he had to do was kneel, with his hands on his head, staring at the wall and waiting.

It wasn’t easy to concentrate though. His ass was on fire and all he wanted to do was rub it better but he couldn’t. His knees hurt from the pressure of the wood against them and he wanted to shift his weight to ease it but he knew he wasn’t allowed to fidget. Most distracting of all was how hard his cock was.

He wanted to come. He wanted to get fucked, taken and owned completely. But he knew it would all come in good time.

Suddenly, Rik was at his side, his hand caressing his got backside and his breath hot on the back of his neck.

‘I’m proud of how you took that,’ he murmured.

‘Thank you, Sir.’

Rik smiled against his shoulder. ‘Do you think you’ve earned my cock?’

‘No, Sir but I want to.’

Rik laughed softly, patting his bottom. ‘Good boy. You’re going to earn it now. Stand up.’

Relieved, Kay got down. Rik took his hand and led him over to the bed. Lying on the bed was lube, a leather flogger, and a mid-sized butt plug. His belly squirmed with a mix of nerves and excitement.

‘Get on the bed, on your knees.’

Kay obeyed. The soft bed was a lot kinder to his knees but it was more difficult to stay still kneeling there. But he didn’t have to hold the position for long. After a moment, he felt Rik’s hand on his back, urging him to lean over. Kay rested his head on his forearms and waited with his ass in the air and ready.

Rik’s hand was a gentle caress on his back, then moving down to his still red-hot cheeks.

‘I’m going to prepare you for me, mein Engel. All you have to do is take it.’

‘Yes, Sir.’

He had to wait only a moment, before he felt Rik’s lubed fingers breaching him. Kay clenched his thighs, forcing himself not to move back onto those gentle fingers as they prepared him. Kay knew he wasn’t getting fucked yet.

Rik didn’t over-prepare him. After a quick job with the lube, Kay felt the smooth end of the butt plug pressing into him. He pushed back onto it and Rik chuckled softly.

‘You like that, don’t you, Engel. You want to be filled up.’ He pushed the plug all the way in and Kay groaned as that delicious feeling of being filled came over him. He did love that feeling.

‘Up on your hands now,’ Rik commanded.

Kay did and he knew he was going to get the flogger now. The only thing he didn’t know was how hard it was going to be. Was it going to be hard like the punishment or that delicious arousing heat?

Rik trailed the flogger across his back, the leather caressing his skin. He could smell the leather and he felt his cock twitch.

Rik raised the flogger and the next moment, it was flicking across his back. Fast but light it created a hot stinging sensation on his skin. Rik knew what he was doing and so within moments, Kay’s world had shrunk to just the sensations his body was experiencing and there was nothing but Rik and the things he was doing to him. There were no thoughts in his heads, no memories. He was lost in a world of pure sensation.

Moans began to escape from his mouth, joining the slap of the flogger and the sound of Rik’s breathing. He couldn’t stop the moans. They just slipped out of him, making him deaf to everything else.

Abruptly it all stopped. The butt plug was slid out of him and he whimpered at the loss. But it was only a second before Rik was on him, pressing him down to the bed. He was naked too now and the heat of his skin grounded Kay.

In a moment he had guided himself inside Kay and there was nothing but the pressure of that cock filling him up.

Rik put his arms around him, taking hold of his nipples and pinching hard as he drove forward into him. Kay reached back and held on tight to his lover as he fucked him hard and brutally and giving him everything that he wanted.

‘Say my name,’ murmured Rik, but Kay couldn’t find the words. He moaned, clenching on the edge of losing control.

‘Come, mein engel, I want you to come now.’

Kay let himself go, coming with a cry and a clenching of his body as Rik fucked him hard through it, still pinching his nipples hard.

Both spent, they collapsed back on the bed. Rik released his nipples and gathered him up in his arms. Kay sagged back into him. There were no thoughts in his head, only that blissed out feeling and the release of being powerless in another’s arms.


	12. Chapter 12

_It is raining. Not exactly running weather but it isn’t a run Kay is waiting for. There had been no reply to the text he’d sent Marc but he is waiting anyway. He has to._

_As he sits in his car, watching the rain, he thinks about Marc. He can’t deny, not now, that he wants Kay. The desire in his eyes had been clear. Kay can’t deny his own desire either. He wants Marc again. He wants to feel that cock again. He wants Marc to fuck him._

_He smirks to himself. He has prepared himself, just in case. If Marc comes, he has no doubt it will happen. He just doesn’t know if he will appear._

_He hears a car engine behind him and he gets out of the car at the same moment that Marc gets out of his._

_The rain is heavy and his clothing is soaked in seconds. He pulls his hood up though it doesn’t make a difference. But he doesn’t care because Marc is striding towards him with that look in his eye._

_As he reaches Kay, he can see the look better. He looks as though he can’t decide whether to fuck him or punch him. Kay doesn’t do anything, just stands and watches, waiting for Marc to decide what he wants to do._

_Kay has just begun to think he will never decide when Marc raises his hand, slowly and hesitantly. He touches Kay’s cheek, softly tracing his skin. Kay lets out a breath and the next moment, Marc is on him, kissing him hard and pushing back against the car. Kay doesn’t want to frighten him off so he doesn’t push things but he doesn’t need to. Marc is kissing him desperately and Kay can feel his hard-on through their shorts._

_As suddenly as the kiss started, Marc is pulling away. But he doesn’t go far. He gazes at Kay, his eyes dark with arousal. Kay’s mouth twitches in a slight smile and, allowing himself to indulge, he leans in and meets Marc’s mouth in another kiss._

_It’s a sweet kiss, almost tender and Marc makes a soft whimper as Kay caresses his lip with his tongue._

_Marc grabs his shoulder, spins him round and presses him hard against the car. He yanks his hood down and Kay cannot help but grin at this rough, commanding side of Marc. He wants him to let it out more._

_Marc’s hands are on him, pushing beneath his hoodie to feel his skin. His mouth is on the back of his neck, kissing softly then biting down and Kay cannot hold back his cry._

_He reaches back for Marc, tugging at his shorts and trying to let him know what he wants._

_Marc follows his meaning. It’s what he wants too. He tugs his shorts down and Kay lowers his own. Their hands are everywhere, desperate to feel each other and Kay’s world shrinks to just Marc’s rough hands on him and his hot breath on the back of his neck, his pants short and heavy._

_Then Marc is grasping his hips and guiding him backwards onto his thick cock. Kay is glad he prepared for this. Marc is clearly not thinking about anything but getting his cock inside him._

_He doesn’t know what he’s doing and Kay can tell he hasn’t done this before but his eagerness is obvious and in seconds he is fucking Kay hard and fast against the car. Kay could lose himself like this, just let himself go and give himself up to Marc completely. He wants to buy he doesn’t think Marc is ready for that yet. Fuck he hopes this isn’t their only time._

_Marc grabs his shoulder, pulling him tight against him. He bites down again on the back of Kay’s neck, then nuzzles against him, breathing him in. At the same time, he pushes Kay forward and Kay’s body twitches a second before he comes with a gasp. He feels his body clench around Marc and then his lover is coming with a soft grunt he buries in Kay’s neck._

_Kay sags but Marc holds him up. He’s still nuzzling against his neck and Kay focuses on the feel of his hot breath._

_Then Marc is pulling back and Kay’s heart sinks. That was it. Now he’ll go home and pretend this never happened. He’s probably one of those guys with a girlfriend, who likes to fuck men in secret._

_‘Fuck, I’m soaked,’ mutters Marc._

_‘We could sit in the car and dry off?’ Kay suggests, carefully._

_Marc nods, though he doesn’t say anything._

_Kay has spare clothes in his car so he strips off at the side of his car and chucks his wet clothes in a plastic bag in the back. Marc is shyer, just taking off his hoodie and shorts but leaving his t-shirt and boxers on. Kay can see him shyly sweeping his gaze over his body._

_Kay just grins and gets in the car. He’s about to search out his spare clothes from the back of the car when Marc is suddenly beside him in the car. He cups Kay’s cheek and draws him in for another kiss._

_Kay smiles against him. Marc is making his desire known. He closes his eyes and feels Marc’s hands on him, exploring his body with gentle caresses. He is touching him like he is something precious. Kay has never been touched like that before._

_His hands are soft on his skin as touches Kay’s chest, splaying his fingers against his stomach and trailing his hands between his pecks and down across his abs. He doesn’t stray below the waist though and Kay senses he’s still a little nervous._

_Marc breaks the kiss and pulls back, his gaze lingering on Kay for a moment before he rests back against the passenger seat and lets out a breath._

_Kay watches him for a moment, then reaches back to find his spare boxers. He pulled them on, then reached across Marc to find his cigarettes in the glovebox. Marc watches his hands as he draws out a cigarette and brings it to his mouth._

_‘I’ve … never done that before,’ says Marc._

_Kay glances at him. ‘I know. Are you all right?’_

_Marc meets his eyes then looks away with a scowl. ‘I’m not gay.’_

_He shrugs. ‘Didn’t say you were. I am but you get to define your own sexuality.’_

_Marc stares blankly at him like he doesn’t understand his words._

_Kay hesitates, then gives him a smile. ‘It was nice. Maybe we could do it again sometime. If you want.’_

_Those dark blue eyes remain on him for a moment, then away again. ‘Yeah. It was nice.’ He glances at Kay and, finally, gives him the smallest of smiles. ‘Really nice.’_

_Kay allows a wide smile to cross his face. Marc holds his gaze for a moment, then lets out a breath. ‘I should go.’ He picks up his bundle of wet clothes, takes one more look at Kay, then slips out of the car and heads back to his own._

_Left alone, Kay takes a drag on his cigarette and lets out a long breath. Fuck, he really hopes they get to do that again._

Kay woke with a smile on his face. He kept his eyes closed for a moment, trying to hold onto the memory. It was one of his dearest. If he concentrated, he could almost feel Marc’s kisses, bites and nuzzles on the back of his neck.

But as he returned fully to consciousness, he became aware of Rik’s arms around his waist and his warm breath on the back of his neck. His chest ached with sadness. There was anger there too, anger at himself, anger at Marc. Anger at the fucking world being the way it was. The world had made Marc frightened to be who he was and it wasn’t fucking fair.

‘Are you all right, mein Engel?’ Rik asked.

Kay realised his body had gone tense and he forced himself to relax. ‘Yeah, just forgot where I was for a moment,’ he said, keeping his voice light.

Rik chuckled and started to kiss his shoulder. ‘You went pretty much straight to sleep after I fucked you. Do you always do that?’

Kay shook his head. ‘No. It was just intense.’

‘It’s good to know I can get you to go into subspace so easily.’

‘It won’t always be that easy. What time is it?’

‘Still night-time. Go back to sleep.’

Kay started to extract himself. ‘I need a piss.’

Rik moved swiftly, in one movement getting on top of him and pinning him down with both hands on his wrists.

‘I like you here in my bed,’ he murmured, looking him in the eye. ‘I could keep you here all the time, handcuff you to the headboard so you can’t disappear on me.’

Kay felt a strange mix of alarm and arousal at Rik’s words but he kept his expression calm. ‘I’m not disappearing anywhere.’ He smiled. ‘Except for a piss.’

Rik laughed and slid off him. ‘Go on then.’

Kay slipped out of bed.

‘Hurry back,’ called Rik after him.

Kay went into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him.

After using the toilet, he looked in the mirror at himself. Mostly, he looked normal but, in his eyes, he could still see that sadness. He looked away. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to remember everything he had lost. He just wanted to get on with his life and forget that sadness. How he achieved that didn’t matter.


	13. Chapter 13

Kay lay in bed, wide awake and tried to empty his mind. It wasn’t working. He was still at Rik’s and he guessed it was only a couple of hours until dawn. Rik was asleep beside him, his arm wrapped possessively around his waist. Kay used to love being held in Marc’s arms while they slept. He had felt safe in those arms, loved.

But when he was in Rik’s arms, he just felt like he was being claimed. He’d wanted that from Marc, but he hadn’t been able to give it. Why didn’t the people he loved ever love him? That was all he wanted, to love and to be loved. But it seemed like he was doomed to never have that. His parents had been right about him.

With difficulty in Rik’s tight grip, he turned over onto his side, pulling the blankets further up. He was still naked, which he wasn’t used to when he slept. He preferred to sleep in boxers or jogging pants. But he wasn’t sure where Rik had put his clothes.

He closed his eyes, trying to make himself go to sleep. It didn’t work. All it did was bring the images of Marc he’d been fighting right to the forefront of his mind.

_He is in Marc’s bed. He can hardly believe it but here he is. What was more, Marc had invited him there. They’re naked, skin against skin and Marc is gazing at him._

_He hasn’t said much to Kay, not even when they were fucking, but he gazes constantly at him, like he cannot tear his eyes away. His arm is around Kay’s waist and his hand cups his hip gently. His other hand trails across his chest, exploring each bump and curve. Marc fucked him again and Kay can still feel a trace of him there, a memory of the pressure filling him and a little wet stickiness left behind. He cannot get enough of that feeling._

_Marc kissed him only once and Kay has to hold himself back from just claiming Marc in kiss after kiss. He doesn’t want to claim Marc. He wants Marc to claim him._

_Marc’s hand trails up from his stomach, over his abs, then his pecs. He lingers at his collarbone, his fingers tracing the sensitive skin of his neck for a moment before he cups Kay’s jaw. He just gazes at him for a moment, as if studying him, memorising him._

_Then he leans in and meets Kay’s mouth in a kiss. It’s hesitant at first, careful. Kay meets his tongue with his own, gently encouraging. Marc presses forward with sudden eagerness. He kisses hard, claiming Kay’s mouth fiercely. If his mouth wasn’t busy, Kay would smirk. This is what he wants._

_Marc pushes on top of him and Kay welcomes him, loving the feeling of being pinned by that hot, strong body. His heaviness on top of him settles something inside him._

_The kiss ends but Marc does not pull away. He stays on top of Kay, still gazing at him, still cupping his jaw._

_‘You like it rough, don’t you?’ he asks. He glances down. ‘I-I’ve noticed that.’_

_Kay laughs softly. ‘Yeah. I like a little pain with my pleasure. Good pain.’_

_Marc frowns at him. ‘What do you mean?’_

_‘I liked it when you bit the back of my neck last time.’_

_Marc blushes, looking down again. But he’s smiling too, just a little. ‘I liked that too.’_

_Kay reaches up to touch his cheek. ‘You can get as rough as you like. I love it.’_

_‘What if you don’t like it?’_

_‘Then I’ll tell you.’_

_Marc swallows and his hips jerk a little. Kay smirks as he realises he can feel Marc’s hard-on._ Well, look who’s ready for round two _, he thinks._

_‘You like it when I’m in charge, don’t you? Like BDSM stuff?’ Marc asks._

_Kay chuckles again. ‘Since you know what it is, I’m guessing you like it too?’_

_‘Yeah.’ His voice sounds croaky and he swallows several times before he speaks again. ‘I’ll have to read up on what to do.’_

_Kay cups his cheek. ‘I can show you.’_

_‘You’ve done it before?’_

_‘I’ve done a lot of stuff before.’_

_‘Oh,’ says Marc, looking down._

_Kay leans up and kisses him. ‘But everything is special with you.’_

_Marc’s gaze flickers to him and he stares for a moment._

_Then he pushes forward and kisses Kay hard. He grabs his wrists and pins them above his head. Kay thrusts up into him, brushing their hardening cocks together. Marc makes a low, desperate cry._

_‘Uh, god I really want to fuck you again,’ he murmurs against Kay’s mouth._

_‘Then do it, Marc. Take me. Fuck me into the mattress.’_

_Marc gasps against his cheek then pulls back. He pushes Kay over onto his front. His hands tremble as they grip Kay’s hips and, without preamble, pulls him back into his cock. Kay lets out a groan of his own as Marc fills him again._

_Marc is rougher this time, immediately thrusting hard and fast. It’s all desperate thrusts and heavy gasps. Then, Marc’s hands move from his hips, tracing his sides with a featherlight touch._

_Kay whimpers, desperate for more. Marc reaches beneath him, grasps his nipples and squeezes hard as he fucks him. Kay would smirk because he’s got exactly what he wants but he can’t. The sensations are too intense and he knows he will soon come. He knows they need to talk about their boundaries and Marc has much to learn but fuck, he’s a natural._

Kay opened his eyes and shifted uncomfortably. Now he was hard. He didn’t want Rik to know. Carefully, he extracted himself and went to the bathroom to deal with it. Rik didn’t need to know, especially that it wasn’t thoughts of him which had got him excited in the middle of the night.

Kay liked Rik. He was good at giving him what he wanted, but he was nothing compared to Marc. The only problem was, he felt sure Rik already knew that. He knew he as competing with someone from Kay’s past and Kay felt sure he wouldn’t put up with that for long.

Never mind, their short time together would give Kay what he needed. Just a little escapism, that was all he needed. It was like a cheap romance read on holiday. Something hot and sexy and pointless to help him forget the stresses of real life. And when it was done, it was over and he need never think of it again.

But for now, Rik gave him exactly what he needed.


	14. Chapter 14

_‘Everything is special with you.’_

Kay’s words still echoed in Marc’s mind. Right from the start, Kay had been open about the way he was and what he felt. Marc had never been in any doubt that Kay wanted him. He made it obvious.

It was a Friday night and Marc was home, alone. Everywhere he went he was reminded of Kay, even here in his own flat. Especially in his own flat. They’d had sex in every room, bedroom, lounge, kitchen and the bathroom. Marc couldn’t escape the memory of him.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to either. Why couldn’t things just have stayed as they were? Why did Kay have to push him for more? Why couldn’t sex have been enough?

_‘This is more than sex and you fucking know it.’_

Marc rubbed his hands over his face, trying to erase the image of Kay’s face as he’d shouted that at him; the hurt beneath the anger had been all too obvious and he didn’t want to think of it now.

Worse was what he’d said back. He couldn’t even bear to think about that.

He needed to get out of here, go find someone to take his mind off the pain in his stomach.

Decision made he got up, had a quick shower to wash off the day and got dressed in jeans and a shirt. He shoved a pack of condoms and a tube of lube into his pocket with his wallet and headed out the door.

He wasn’t exactly an expert in gay clubs but Kay had taken him to a few. Maybe if he could get laid in one or two that would erase the memories of Kay which still lurked there.

He had no idea how to do this. He’d never flirted with Kay, never had to pick him up. Kay had made it explicitly obvious what he wanted, had driven Marc mad with his flirting and pushing until he hadn’t been able to stand it any longer. Since that moment, since their first kiss in the woods, since the first time Kay had gone down on his knees for him, he’d been utterly helpless.

_‘You look good like this, on your knees for me.’_

He remembered murmuring those words to Kay, stroking his cheek as he’d looked up at him from his knees, ready and eager for Marc to fuck his mouth.

He grunted and pushed that image away. That was the last thing he needed to think about.

There was a queue outside the club. As he waited in it he couldn’t keep his mind away from Kay. Those moments they’d shared, in the privacy of one of their flats felt so vivid, like they were the only real thing which had ever happened to him, like everything else had been fake.

_The feel of Kay’s skin beneath his hand does something to Marc that he can’t describe. He’s warm and soft, and so responsive. Marc can caress or stroke, squeeze or smack and he is rewarded with moans of pleasure and delighted squirming._

_Kay has guided him through this but they explore together. He’s learning more about how pleasure and pain interlace than he ever thought possible._

_Kay’s cheeks are flushed and his cock is hard as Marc pulls him facedown across his lap._

_‘Have you been a bad boy?’ he asks, his tone teasing as well as lustful._

_Kay lets out a sound halfway between a giggle and a moan. It’s fun and silly, this playacting, this roleplay but also exciting. He shifts a little on his lap and Marc can feel his cock, hot and hard against his thigh._

_Marc gives that perfect, round bottom a smack and smirks as Kay’s body jerks involuntarily. ‘Well, I asked you a question. Have you been a bad boy?’_

_‘Yes, Sir! So bad,’ Kay manages._

_Marc knows Kay sometimes finds it hard to speak when they do things like this. He gets so overcome by it. Marc has to watch him carefully for signs that he’s not okay._

_Giggling or moaning mean he is okay. Complete silence and tension mean he isn’t. He’s had to put a stop to things before, change the game. He doesn’t mind. As long as he’s with Kay he’s happy._

_‘Then I think you need a good spanking, don’t you?’_

_‘Uh, yes Sir,’ Kay moans._

_Marc grins, raising his hand and bringing it down with a ringing slap across Kay’s pert bottom. He has to get it just right, not too hard. Just enough to create that warmth and slight tenderness. He knows that if it bruises he’s gone too far. Kay doesn’t bruise easily._

_He starts up a nice rhythm, loud stinging slaps and soon Kay’s bottom is dark pink and he’s thrusting against Marc’s thigh._

_Marc knows it’s time. He lifts Kay off his lap and pushes him down onto the bed. Kay flips onto his back and tugs Marc close. His breathing is ragged and he’s trembling slightly with need._

_They’re already prepared so Kay only has to pull Marc to him and he’s pushing inside him, filling him up. Kay wraps his legs around his waist, pulling him deeper. Marc loves this. He loves getting Kay to make those obscene sounds, those rapturous expressions. He loves the feeling of being surrounded by Kay, the feeling that there is nothing else in the world but them._

Marc shook himself back to the here and now. He couldn’t do this. What was gone was gone and there was no point allowing his thoughts to linger on it now. It was gone. He’d lost it. Kay was in his past now and that was that.

He didn’t know why he was so consumed by memories about Kay. It had just been sex. That was it. Just sex. Mind-blowing, amazingly intense, all-consuming sex. He had to get his mind off it. If he could find some guy to fuck, he would be able to forget about Kay, because that was all it was, just sex. The only reason he couldn’t forget Kay was because he was the only guy he’d been with. As soon as he’d found someone, Kay would be nothing.


	15. Chapter 15

Marc felt like an intruder as he went into the club. He didn’t know if he belonged here anymore, if he ever had. If it wasn’t brave enough to be out… If he wasn’t brave enough to be with Kay, what was he doing here?

He shook his head to clear it and went to the bar. He ordered a shot of vodka and downed it immediately, hoping to give himself some courage.

Waiting for it to kick in, he leaned against a table near the bar and watched the club dancefloor. It was packed with people dancing. Just like the last time he’d been here, there were lots of hot guys around and just like before, all he could think about was Kay.

_Kay is all smiles. His eyes sparkle as they step into the cub and his hips move of their own accord as the music surrounds them. He’s in his element here and that helps Marc’s nerves. He’s never been anywhere like this before._

_He can’t keep his eyes off Kay. They might as well be alone. He looks amazing. So fucking hot that Marc can hardly stand it. He’s wearing tight black shorts, black boots and fingerless gloves. Then there’s the harness. When Marc first caught sight of it as Kay took off his jacket, he thought it was braces. It’s made of the same type of material and it’s black. It’s tight across his back, encircling his shoulder blades. At the front, it crosses at the top of his chest, emphasising his shoulders and pecs. It disappears into his shorts on both sides of his torso and Marc can’t help wondering what holds it in place._

_Kay leans against him, his breath hot on his cheek and gives him a mischievous smirk._

_‘They’re looking at me,’ he says._

_Marc glances at the dance floor and sees several men looking at Kay. He feels both jealous and proud._

_He looks back at Kay, who is still smirking. ‘Would you like to watch one of them fuck me?’_

_Marc shook his head. ‘No. You’re all mine.’_

_Kay’s smirk turns into a wide grin. ‘Prove it.’_

_Marc doesn’t need to be told twice, even here. Kay’s deliberate goading has done the trick. As it always does._

_Without saying anything, he grabs Kay, gripping the top of both arms and pushing him towards the wall. Kay could stop him, if he wanted. Kay can get out of any situation he wants to. But he is precisely where he wants to be._

_Pushing him against the wall, Marc kisses him hard. Kay moans against his mouth, pushing his body into his. Marc holds him tighter against the wall, wanting to claim him, wanting to show them all who Kay belongs to._

_He breaks the kiss so he can kiss Kay’s neck instead and feel his moan vibrate through him. He kisses a path along his shoulder, either side of the harness strap._

_He releases Kay’s arms and allows his hands to travel over that fit, slim body. With his fingers, he traces where the harness holds him. He can feel its tightness and he wonders how it feels._

_He allows his hands to travel lower, tracing the straps of the harness until he reaches the tight shorts. Kay’s hands are tight on his shoulders, holding on ready for him to do what he wants._

_Marc pushes inside his shorts and grins when he finds where the straps end. Kay is held tight, his cock straining against the tight leather pouch. Marc reaches round and squeezes his ass, finding it best and ready for him._

_Kay’s hips jerk against him and he knows how much his lover wants him to fuck him._

_He nibbles on Kay’s ear. ‘Is this the kind of place where I can fuck you right here?’_

_He is surprised by his own question but he knows what he wants. Kay._

_Kay’s breath hitches. ‘Not out here. Toilets.’_

_Marc slips his hand out of Kay’s shorts and turns. He grins as he notices a few men watching them. He finds Kay’s hand and tugs it._

_‘Come with me,’ he says in the commanding voice he knows Kay loves._

_Kay yields to his lead and they make their way through the throng of people towards the toilets._

Marc made eye contact with a younger man. He was dark-haired but apart from that he looked quite similar to Kay. Same skin tone, similar facial features, the exact same slight smirk. He was wearing a harness, though his was paired with black jeans and it was just across his shoulders.

Marc allowed his dominant side to take over. He crossed the room towards him and, without saying a word, reached for the man and tugged him close for a kiss.

The man yielded to him, making a soft moan of pleasure against his mouth. Marc broke the kiss to whisper in his ear.

‘I really want to fuck you. Toilets?’

He heard the man swallow and felt a soft breath on his skin. ‘Yeah,’ the man murmured.

Marc took his hand and tugged him towards the toilets.

He knew his mind was half with Kay, in memories of their time together but he ignored that. That was why he was here, to stop himself thinking like this all the time.

‘What’s your name?’ asked Marc.

‘Tom,’ he said. Marc realised he wasn’t German, though he clearly understood it. English maybe?

In a cubicle, Marc pulled the door shut and locked it.

‘You want me to fuck you, Tom?’ he asked.

Tom let out a strained grunt. ‘Uh, yeah,’ he managed.

Marc grinned. He took a moment to take in the sight of this young man. His lips were parted and his breath was audible. Marc could smell the scent of sex and he knew they were both hard and eager. This was what he wanted. This was what he needed. Just a good, hard fucking.

He kissed Tom again, a rough, claiming kiss, the sort Kay liked. With his eyes closed, he could have been kissing Kay.

He pulled back. He didn’t want to kiss anymore. Roughly, he took hold of Tom’s shoulders, spun him round and pressed him hard into the wall. He reached around, undid his jeans and tugged them down around his thighs. He was bare underneath.

_Alone in the cubicle, Marc pulls Kay’s shorts down, revealing his bare ass, lubed and ready for him. Kay is always ready._

_He grasps his hips, then changes his mind and grabs the straps of the harness instead. Roughly, the way he knows Kay likes he pulls him into position._

_‘Spread your cheeks,’ he murmurs._

_Kay’s body shudders in pleasure and he obeys, reaching back and opening himself up for Marc. Marc pushes his bare cock inside, filling Kay up with himself._

_He bites down into his shoulder and hisses against his skin._

_‘You’re mine.’_

Marc rolled on a condom. Tom was not ready for him, like Kay would have been and Marc made a quick job with the lube, pushing his fingers in and out of him until Tom said he was ready.

He tried to keep Kay from his mind, but the second he pushed inside Tom, it might as well have been Kay.

_He fucks him fast and hard, making the wall of the cubicle creak and moan under the pressure. They don’t care. They don’t care who hears._

_Part of Marc thinks Kay wants them to hear. He’s certainly not holding back his moans. Marc is sure that, if is were allowed, he’d want Marc to fuck him in front of them. Maybe there is somewhere they can do that another time. It scares him but Marc wants someone to see that Kay is his. He wants them to see how he begs for more of him._

_‘Marc,’ Kay breathes. ‘More, harder.’_

_Marc obliges. He always wants to give Kay what he wants. He grabs a handful of his short golden hair and fucks him as hard as he can j to the wall. He wants to fill him, leave traces of himself behind him for Kay to feel. He wants Kay to know how much he wants him._

_Kay comes first and his desperate clenching and writhing drives Marc over the edge. He comes deep inside him._

_He wraps his arms around him and puts his mouth close to Kay’s ear. He pulls out, leaving his wet warmth behind him._

_‘You feel that?’ he murmurs. ‘That’s proof you’re mine now.’_

_Kay whimpers and Marc knows how much those words get to him. He tugs Kay’s tight shorts back into place, wondering with a smirk if they’re tight enough to keep everything in place._

When Marc pulled out, Tom was trembling. Marc got rid of the condom and watched Tom turn and dress himself.

‘You all right?’ he asked.

Tom had a blissed out smile and he nodded. ‘Yeah. That was really good. Could I have your number?’

‘Sorry. This was just a one night thing.’ He hesitated. ‘You on your own?’

Tom shook his head. ‘With my mates. They’re out there.’

Marc nodded. He kissed Tom on the cheek then felt for the lock. ‘You go and have fun then. Make sure you get home safe. Stick with your friends.’

Tom smiled. ‘I will. Thanks. Maybe I’ll see you around.’

Marc shrugged. ‘Yeah maybe.’

Once Tom was gone, he leaned against the wall and let out a long breath. That had scratched the itch for now but he knew it was only a matter of time. He just couldn’t forget Kay.


	16. Chapter 16

When Kay woke up, he was alone in the bed. The curtains were open and so was the bedroom door. He could hear Rik moving about in the living room. Kay stretched, then got up and went to shower.

When he was clean, he wrapped a towel around his waist and went through to the other room. Rik was there, fully dressed and making coffee. A box of pastries sat on the table.

‘Morning,’ Kay said, yawning.

Rik turned to smile at him. ‘Good morning, sleepyhead. Thought I’d have to come and wake you.’

Kay’s gaze raked over him. ‘What’s with the suit?’

Rik removed the newly filled cup of coffee from the machine, then brought it across to Kay. He set it down on the table. ‘I’m sorry, mein Engel but I have to go into the office. Just for an hour or two.’

‘What am I supposed to do?’

Rik smiled. ‘Just stay here, enjoy your breakfast, maybe watch some TV.’ He leaned in and kissed him. ‘When I get back I’ll reward you for your patience.’

Kay frowned, then shrugged. ‘I guess I can hang out for a while. Where did you put my clothes?’

Rik grinned at him. ‘I told you that you wouldn’t need them for the rest of your stay. Just relax.’ He reached out and whipped Kay’s towel off him. ‘Just let me enjoy the sight of my beautiful boy naked in my house.’

Kay frowned but he didn’t have the energy to argue about it. Besides, he supposed there was something exciting about him being left like this. If an emergency happened, he could always stick something of Rik’s on.

Rik reached round and gave his bottom a firm smack. ‘Good boy.’

Kay winced. It wasn’t just the smack, though it did smart a bit for a love tap, but that ‘good boy’ was a little off-putting. It wasn’t said in the silly, fun sexy way Marc had sometimes used with him. That had always included an element of poking fun at themselves and at the whole idea of the power exchange. It had been light and fun. But this? This had a feeling of the possessive about it.

But Kay knew he wasn’t in this for the long haul. It was just a brief affair, something fun to take his mind off Marc. He wasn’t getting himself into anything. This would end just as easily as it had begun, when he was ready.

‘Right, beautiful, why don’t you sit down and enjoy your breakfast and I’ll see you in an hour or two. I promise I won’t be longer than that.’

Kay shrugged, sitting down at the table and reaching for a pastry. ‘No worries. Take your time.’

Rik patted the top of his head. ‘Not too many of those now.’ He patted Kay’s stomach. ‘Don’t want you putting on weight, do we?’

Kay didn’t say anything and held back his wince. There was no point arguing about that either. While he was with Rik, he might as well just eat what he wanted him to. It wasn’t like they were together 24/7.

Rik made up some coffee for his travel mug, then picked up his work bag and kissed Kay goodbye before he let himself out, shutting the door and locked it behind him. From his behaviour, it was like Rik wanted to playact at a head of the household kind of thing. Either that or he wanted Kay to be his houseboy.

Maybe it was nearly time this was over. It hadn’t been as long as Kay had expected but that wasn’t important. Maybe they just weren’t compatible with each other.

He ate two pastries and drank his coffee before he got up. He didn’t particularly feel like watching TV. It was strange being naked all alone in somebody else’s flat, especially one with so many windows, but he tried to ignore the feeling. He glanced out of the window but it didn’t seem like they were particularly overlooked. Though these apartments were often built like that. He was usually fairly comfortable being naked but here, he didn’t feel like that. It didn’t feel like a safe space.

Trying to ignore how uncomfortable he felt, Kay started to look around the flat. There were no ornaments and no pictures except for a couple of black and white art prints. Or originals, knowing Rik’s expensive taste.

It seemed like the only thing in the room which wasn’t black, grey or chrome was the bureau in one corner of the living room. He went over and tugged at the lid. It was locked. He stopped, trying to think like Rik to work out where he might have put the key. He scouted around. There weren’t many hiding places around here. Knowing Rik, he probably had it on him.

Kay caught sight of a set of key hooks by the front door. He went over and grabbed the only key there, a little brass one. It looked like it could be the right size.

He went back over to the bureau, slid the key in and turned it. Then he was able to fold down the lid. Inside, it wasn’t as exciting as he’d thought. There was only paperwork in neat piles. He was partway through filling it in. It wasn’t anything exciting, just insurance renewals for his car and some other mundane bits of household admin. But what drew him was the name on the Frederik Mader. He’d assumed the Rik was short for Erik or not even short for anything. Rik didn’t particularly look like a Frederik. Maybe he wasn’t fond of it.

Well, that was one little thing, one little piece of power he had over Rik. He closed the bureau again and locked it. He was just putting the key back on the hook when it suddenly dawned on him that there was no front door key there.

Immediately, he reached out and tried the door. It was locked. He pulled back the latch but that did nothing. The door was securely locked. Rik had locked him in.

His heart hammering, he went to the bedroom. He’d put on something of Rik’s, then call for help. At a posh place like this, there was bound to be a doorman or something. He went to the closet and tugged at the door. It didn’t budge.

‘Fuck,’ he muttered. That was locked too. He looked around but he already knew there were no other clothes around. There wasn’t very much of anything around. The apartment was completely devoid of clutter.

The fear pounding in his heart gave way to anger. Fucking Rik. How dare he lock him in like that? What if something happened?

But what could he do? He was naked in a flat which wasn’t his own but nothing had actually happened to him. He was safe. If he called the police, they wouldn’t do anything. He knew how things went when you were gay. They didn’t actually give a shit about you.

He had no choice but to stay and wait for Rik. The thing that galled him was that he knew that was exactly what Rik wanted.


	17. Chapter 17

The moment he heard the door opening, Kay shot up. He reached the door just as Rik shut it behind him.

He shoved Rik’s shoulder. ‘What the fuck is your problem?’

Rik blinked. ‘Whatever is the matter, mein Engel?’

‘You fucking locked me in, you psycho.’

Rik frowned at him. ‘Didn’t you see the key in the bowl?’

Kay stood back. ‘What bowl?’

He turned and pointed. About halfway across the wall from the door, there was a little shelf with a little silver bowl on it.

Kay felt his face get hot. ‘I didn’t even see that.’

He put his arms around Kay’s shoulders. ‘Aww, my poor boy. I think you just got a bit worked up. You’re so emotional sometimes.’

He frowned. ‘I’m not … emotional.’

Putting his arm around Kay, Rik laughed softly. ‘It’s all right. You’re bound to be after all you’ve been through.’

‘I don’t … I mean … I guess I just got it wrong.’

Rik stroked his cheek. ‘No, it was my fault. I meant to tell you where the spare key was. I guess I just forgot.’ He grinned and cast his gaze over Kay. ‘I mean, you’re a little distracting like that.’

Kay felt himself start to give and he smiled a little. Rik turned into him and kissed him, softly at first, then firmer and deeper until it was a full-on, passionate kiss. Then Rik was kissing his neck and nibbling on his ear.

‘Let me make it up to you,’ he murmured against Kay’s cheek. Without waiting for an answer, he started to kiss his way down Kay’s chest. Kay felt his cock start to stir. Rik took hold of him by his hips and manoeuvred him towards the wall. Kay rested back onto it and let out a soft moan as Rik took his cock into his mouth. He kissed and licked it to full hardness, then took him deep, devouring him.

Kay gave in. This felt so good. He didn’t want to stop it and leave. He wanted that blissed-out feeling of oblivion. Rik was right. He’d just got worked up and got the wrong idea. That was all it was.

Rik sucked and kissed and licked until he was quivering with desperate need. Kay was close to coming when Rik suddenly pulled back and stood up. In a moment, he had Kay flipped around and was pressing hard against his back.

‘You want me to fuck you, don’t you?’

‘Uh, yeah,’ Kay moaned.

Rik slapped his thigh hard. ‘Ask me. Fucking beg me.’

‘Please, Rik, please fuck me.’

He kissed Kay’s neck. ‘Delighted to.’

Kay heard him unzip his trousers and a moment later, the blunt, slick head of Rik’s cock was pushing inside him. He grabbed Kay by the upper arms, held him hard against the wall and started to move. He fucked him hard and fast against the wall. His hands were painful on his arms and the pace was almost too quick and too brutal but he was nearing that oblivion he craved.

‘Say my name,’ murmured Rik.

Kay shook his head and didn’t say anything. Rik grunted against him, fucking him even harder. He let go of his arms and reached around to grab his nipples instead. It hurt but a good, throbbing sort of hurt and there was that oblivion. He gave himself up to it, sinking into it and there was nothing else in his head but the physical. Nothing else could hurt him.

After it was over, Rik nuzzled into his shoulder. ‘Was that good? Did you like it?’

Kay relaxed back into him. ‘Yeah. It was ni … good.’ He winced, pushing away the sudden image of Marc which had popped into his mind.

‘Glad to hear it,’ said Rik. ‘I don’t suck cock often so don’t expect it. That was just a special treat, for when you’re good.’ He stroked Kay’s hair. ‘The best place for you is on _your_ knees.’

Kay pulled away. ‘I think I’d better get going now. I have some things to do at home.’

Rik frowned at him for a moment and Kay had the ridiculous thought that he wasn’t going to let him go, that he was going to keep him here, naked and at his mercy forever. But then Rik smiled. ‘Sure. I’ll get your clothes for you. We should do this again. I had fun.’

Kay smiled, partly out of relief. ‘Yeah, so did I.’ 

Rik leaned in and kissed his cheek. ‘That’s all I want to do, mein Engel, make you happy and give you pleasure.’

Before Kay could reply, Rik went to get his clothes. Part of Kay wanted to grab another shower but he really didn’t want to stay any longer. He just wanted to curl up in his own bed and be on his own.

In an hour, he was back home. He took a shower, then put on some loose jogging pants and a t-shirt. He sat on his sofa and put the TV on. He wasn’t really paying attention to it. For the first time, he was feeling the aftereffects of what he’d been doing. His ass was about as sore as could be expected, as were his nipples but what he hadn’t expected before was the soreness of his arms and his hips, where Rik had grabbed him. He looked and saw the beginnings of bruises there. He pulled a face. He wasn’t sure he liked that. Marc had never left bruises.

He thought back to the way he’d always felt after being with Marc. He’d felt deeply happy and settled afterwards, like all was right with the world. Sometimes he’d been a little sore, but in a good way. But no matter what that did, he always felt that settled, happy feeling inside. Why couldn’t he have that now? That was all he wanted.

He pulled the throw over himself and curled up underneath it. He didn’t feel settled. He felt distinctly _un_ settled and unsure.

Maybe he wouldn’t go back to Rik for a little while. Maybe someone else would give him that feeling he craved. It had to be out there somewhere, not just with Marc Borgmann.


	18. Chapter 18

Kay had the day off on Sunday. He had planned on going for a workout at the gym and make the most of the free membership which came with his job. But then he remembered that Rik knew where he worked and he didn’t particularly want to deal with him if he decided to turn up. He needed a break from him.

Rik had texted him that morning, just a perfectly ordinary good morning message. There was no reason not to reply but he hadn’t. He expected Rik to follow that up with more messages so he turned his phone off, got his running gear on and went out.

He drove out of the city to the forest he’d run with Marc. He’d hesitated but the pull of that forest had been too much. He had always felt settled there and so much happiness was associated with running along those paths. He had to admit part of him was hoping he would see Marc there. Maybe they could sort things out.

But the more sensible part knew they weren’t going to sort things out. That chance was gone, and Marc probably wouldn’t be there anyway. He’d probably gone back to running on the track at his school.

When he got to the woods, all was still and quiet. There were birds singing and he let out a blissful sigh as the peace of the woods surrounded him. He followed it with a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the pine and the spruce and feeling completely settled.

He left his phone and wallet in the car and set off running with just his car key in his pocket. He felt completely free and at ease, with nothing to worry about.

The steady rhythm of his running kept him calm but it couldn’t keep his mind away from Marc. If anything, being here in these woods where it had really begun, made him think all the more of Marc. The sweet scent of the trees brought to mind his richly masculine scent. The air was cool on his face yet he could feel the heat of Marc’s body against him.

His mind showed him images of their time here together, the heat and the softness of each other’s bodies. It wasn’t just the sex. They’d had fun together too. They’d enjoyed each other’s company.

_Mark leans against a tree, panting and grins at him. ‘I know you’re technically my personal trainer but do you have to be quite so hard on me?’_

_Kay laughs. ‘What’s the matter? Too old and unfit to keep up?’_

_Marc smirks, then reaches out and catches hold of him by the front of his t-shirt. With a firm tug, he brings him close and into a kiss. Kay sinks into the kiss, allowing himself to get carried away into the feel of Marc._

_In a second, he finds himself pinned between Marc and the tree, still being kissed with hard passion. Marc presses his body against Kay, rubbing deliberately against his cock. Kay knows what he is doing in distracting him like this but he doesn’t care. He’s always happy to be distracted by Marc._

_Marc’s hand is slipping underneath his t-shirt, trailing his fingers across his stomach and palming his hip. Then he is pushing into his running shorts and taking a firm grip on his cock. Kay groans into his mouth._

_Marc chuckles against him. ‘You want to see how I can keep up?’ he asks, pressing into Kay so he can feel his erection against his thigh._

_Kay bites his lip, grinning. ‘Yeah! You got something with you?’_

_Marc reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little tube. He smirks at Kay. ‘I come prepared. I know how much being in the woods turns you on.’_

_Kay laughs. ‘It’s not the woods that turns me on. It’s the sight of my sexy boyfriend’s body in that tight running gear.’_

_Marc’s grin falls and a frown replaces it. Kay’s stomach drops as he realises what he’s said. Boyfriend._

_He reaches up and touches Marc’s cheek._

_‘Don’t,’ said Marc, shortly._

_Kay sighs. ‘It’s just a word.’_

_Marc pulls back. ‘No, it’s not. You know it’s not.’_

_‘Just forget I said it.’ He reaches out for Marc’s shirt, aiming to tug him closer but Marc brushes him away._

_‘Marc…’_

_Marc glares at him. ‘I’ll forget it as soon as you stop fucking saying it all the time.’_

_With that, he turns and runs away. Kay calls after him but Marc just keeps on running. Kay kicks a nearby log, his heart pounding._

_‘Fuck.’ He’s not swearing about Marc, he’s cursing his own big mouth._

Kay stopped suddenly as he realised he was near the place where he and Marc had had that particular argument. It hadn’t been the only one, of course. There had been quite a few arguments, more and more towards the end. Always on the same subject, the fact that Marc didn’t want to admit it was more than sex.

_‘This is more than sex and you fucking know it.’_

He remembered shouting that at Marc during that last argument. He remembered what Marc had said back too. He would never forget it. It had created a deep pain in his chest. He would do anything to stop himself feeling that pain.

He heard a rustling ahead. He started to walk silently towards it, curious about what it was. Sometimes there were deer here. He liked to see them. They always made him feel peaceful.

He looked between the trees and his heart thudded painfully. It was Marc.

He hadn’t seen Kay. He was just leaning against a tree, staring off into mid-air. Kay wondered what he was thinking about and if he missed him. He realised they’d fucked in that clearing Marc was standing in. It had been one of their favourite places to go, though they’d often gone to one of their flats as well. But Marc had been right; there was a certain excitement for Kay in having sex in the woods.

It felt odd to watch Marc like this, without him having any idea Kay was there. It was like a glimpse into another world, one in which he no longer belonged.

Kay took a breath, then moved past Marc, deliberately silently so Marc wouldn’t even know he was there. There was no point lingering here, watching someone who didn’t love him. He knew he’d been wasting his time. Marc would never love him.


	19. Chapter 19

When Marc woke up on Sunday morning, the only thing he wanted to do was go to the woods. He didn’t even want to run. He just wanted to be there. He drove out of the city and parked up as near as he could to the places he and Kay used to go. He didn’t know why he wanted to go, just that the desire to was undeniable.

He walked the paths, remembering. Kay had first gone down on his knees for him in that clearing. He’d fucked him against that tree. He’d spanked him sitting on that fallen log there. Marc closed his eyes for a moment as he remembered the feel of Kay’s warm, delightedly squirming body across his lap.

He grinned. The first time Marc had smacked that gorgeous tight ass, Kay had giggled.

_‘Hey, I don’t think that’s the reaction you’re supposed to have,’ he complains. This is not helping with his nerves._

_Kay giggles again, squirming. ‘Sorry, it tickles!’_

_‘Tickles! I’ll show you tickles!’_

_Marc smacks him again, harder, and this time is rewarded with a little thrust from Kay and a soft groan that makes his cock twitch in his pants._

_‘That’s better,’ he says. All nerves are forgotten and he starts up a fast, steady, rhythm. Kay’s ass turns a satisfying dark pink and he’s soon moaning in ecstasy and squirming across his lap._

God, the things they’d done. Kay had taught him to delight in pleasure, to let yourself experience things just because they felt good. Marc had never been that adventurous, not before or since. Not that there had been anyone since. Just that one night stand the other night. Nobody that mattered.

Kay mattered. Marc knew that now. But it was too late.

Marc stopped walking and looked to his left. Just off the path, down that seldom-used turning, was another place he remembered with Kay. That hadn’t ended so well. They’d nearly fucked against a tree, until Marc had fucked it all up.

He didn’t even know what he’d been scared of now. Just that word. Boyfriend. Kay wanted him to be his boyfriend. But that was serious. That meant it was more than sex. Marc just wanted sex. He just wanted to continue to take delight in that beautiful body, to be around Kay whenever he could and not think about what it meant. Who wanted to think about that?

Kay did. Kay wanted it to mean something. That was it. He’d just built it up in his head, because he wanted to be loved.

Marc’s belly squirmed unpleasantly as his mind came close to telling him the truth. _No, I won’t listen_.

It was too complicated. There was too much judgment out there. He wasn’t brave enough to face changing everybody’s opinion of him. People always said they didn’t judge but they did. Everybody judged everybody else and anyone different was pushed out, even just a little bit. Marc didn’t want to be pushed out. He just wanted a normal life. He wanted to give his parents what they wanted from him. They’d done so much for him. They deserved for him to have a normal life, give them grandkids, be normal. That was all he wanted to be. Normal.

He stopped in a small clearing and leaned against a tree. It was no use mooning about it. He should just get on with his life, forget about Kay. Move on. It had just been a fling, a strange one-off experience not to be repeated. That was it. So why was it so hard to forget it?

He needed to start dating again. Find a girlfriend and settle down at last. That would make his parents happy and it would help him forget about Kay.

He got out his phone and, for the first time in a year, logged into tindr and updated his profile. Later, he’d look properly and he’d focus on setting up some dates. With women, just with women. That was all he was interested in. That was all he could be interested in.

But he knew that if he saw Kay right then, he wouldn’t be able to help himself from pulling him into his arms and kissing him like the world was about to end.

He heard a rustle behind him and he turned his head. But there was nothing. He was still alone. Probably just a deer.

When Kay got back to his car, he sat in the driver’s seat and turned on his phone. He expected loads of messages from Rik but there was just one more.

_Hope you’re okay, mein Engel. Give me a call if you want some company. I’ll drop everything for you. Rik xxx_

Kay sighed. At least somebody cared about him. Rik was a bit strange sometimes and they needed to work on their boundaries but at least he cared. At least he wanted Kay and he didn’t care who knew about it.

Decision made, he tapped his phone and called Rik. He answered within a ring.

‘Hey, mein Engel! Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. Sorry I didn’t reply earlier. Just been for a run. Needed to clear my head.’

‘Of course. I completely understand. I mean, you’ve been through a bad breakup. The first time you spend the night with someone else has got to be hard.’ He hesitated. ‘Have you got it cleared now?’

‘Yeah, I think so. I thought … maybe we could get together later today. At my place.’

Rik stayed silent and Kay felt the need to expand.

‘I’ve got some toys we could use.’ He paused and smirked, squirming a little in his seat as his cock decided to wake up. ‘Maybe you could punish me for calling you a fucking psycho.’

Rik laughed lightly. ‘Sounds good, mein Engel. What about one? Just after lunch.’

‘Perfect. I’ll have something light.’

‘Good boy. I’ll see you later. Maybe you’ll get a reward too.’

Kay laughed. ‘Sounds good. I’ll text you my address.’

‘Sure,’ said Rik, smoothly, then hung up.

As Kay chucked his phone on the driver’s seat and started the car, it occurred to him that Rik probably already knew his address. After all, he’d found out where he worked. He probably knew everything about him. But as he drove off, Kay couldn’t bring himself to care about that at all.


	20. Chapter 20

Kay was nervous. In order to distract himself from the things he didn’t want to be feeling, he’d tidied his flat, took a long shower and laid out the toys he’d be happy to use with Rik. He wanted to push himself today, completely lose himself in the sensations Rik was going to create in his body. That way he wouldn’t have the space to think about those things he didn’t want to think about.

He had just sat down on his sofa to wait when his phone pinged. He looked at it and saw a message from Rik.

_I’m on my way, mein Engel. I want you ready for me, naked and on your knees._

Kay felt a thrill go through him and he could hear the stern, dominating tone of Rik’s voice in his head. This was what he needed. He wanted Rik to take him as far as he could go. He’d told him this and they’d already exchanged a few messages about what that looked like for him.

He did as he was told. After unlocking his door for Rik, he undressed and knelt on the floor in front of his bed, just out of sight of the door. His heart pounded as he waited and his cock was already hard as his mind teased him with what was going to happen.

It was only a few minutes later that he heard the door opening and quickly closing.

‘I hope you’re ready for me, mein Engel,’ called Rik.

Kay stayed silent and waited. Rik rounded the corner and smiled at him.

‘There’s my angel,’ he said, his voice full of warmth.

Kay absorbed the affection. He felt like he’d been starved of it for so long. He kept his gaze on Rik, waiting for instructions. Rik kept looking at him for a moment, then smiled again and stepped forward.

He reached out and touched Kay’s cheek. ‘Are you ready for this, mein Engel? Are you ready to obey me?’

‘Yes, Sir,’ Kay answered immediately.

Rik smiled. ‘Good.’ He moved his hand to the back of Kay’s neck and tugged him towards his crotch. ‘Kiss.’

Kay obeyed and kissed the warm bulge of Rik’s cock through his pants. This was what he wanted. He didn’t want to think and if he obeyed, he wouldn’t have to think.

Rik stood back. ‘Stand up and go over to the bed.’

Kay obeyed, standing at the foot of the bed. His toys were laid out on the blanket box near the bed. Everything Rik might need was there. Kay didn’t look but he could feel Rik looking over his things. He walked across the box and spent a few minutes deciding before he picked something up and returned.

Rik raised his hands and Kay saw he was holding the blindfold. He tied it in place over Kay’s eyes, allowing his touch to linger on his cheek as he did so. Kay’s world was now nothing but the blackness behind the blindfold and the quiet sounds of Rik retrieving more objects from the box.

Then Rik’s hand was on the small of his back. ‘I’m going to guide you onto the bed. I want you on all fours.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay and started to move into position, feeling for the bed beneath his hands and knees. Rik kept his hand on the small of his back to guide him, ready to catch him in case he lost his balance.

He didn’t. Kay prided himself on his balance being excellent. In position, he waited again. Rik trailed his fingers down his spine, allowing his nails to scratch slightly.

Then his touch was gone and Kay was waiting in the quiet darkness.

When Rik touched him again, it was just one lubed finger slowly penetrating him. The lack of warning made him lose control and he let out a groan.

Rik chuckled softly and carried on.

With the blindfold on, those fingers could be anybody's. They could be …

_‘I’m not sure I know what I’m doing,’ says Marc, with an embarrassed chuckle._

_‘You’re doing it just right,’ says Kay. He bites his lip as another finger slips inside him and his hips thrust reflexively._

_Marc laughs again. ‘So I see. I like making you do that.’_

_‘Better than making me do it myself?’ Kay asks teasingly._

_Marc smacks his ass cheek lightly with his free hand. ‘You know how much I love that!’_

_‘Yeah, I like both. Either you watching me get myself ready for you, or on my hands and knees helpless under your attentions.’_

_Marc lets out a groan of his own. ‘Uh, you always know what to say. That’s it. That’s enough prep.’_

_Kay grins as Marc pulls his fingers out and takes hold of Kay’s hips, lining himself up. He always gets what he wants. Well, almost always._

Rik pulled his fingers out and the next moment, Kay felt the cool, blunt end of a butt plug pushing inside. It was one of the big ones and he dropped to his elbows to give Rik easier access.

Rik chuckled. ‘You like this one. I can tell. Don’t worry, you’ll be wearing it for a while.’

He was pushing it in so slowly that Kay almost couldn’t bear it. But this was good. This was what he needed. He needed to be driven so mad he no longer remembered that Marc existed.

He heard himself let out a cry as the plug reached its hilt, nudging against that bundle of nerves inside him. He clenched his fists against the bed, pushing his head against his forearms folded beneath him. He was aware that this pushed his ass further into the air but he didn’t care.

Rik pulled away and Kay focused on the sound of his footsteps. What was he getting now?

He heard the faint tinkle of metal and he knew it was one of two things. Then Rik’s hand was on his back, resting between his shoulder blades and his other hand brushed across Kay’s nipples, first one then the other, making them harden beneath his cool touch.

Then the hand on his back was gone and he was grasping one nipple firmly and pulling. Kay heard himself make noises he was no longer in control of. The cold metal of a clamp closed around his nipple. Kay rocked unconsciously and felt the weight of it swinging slightly.

Then Rik turned his attention to the other nipple, reaching under him to attach the second clamp. They hurt immediately, a hot, pulsing kind of pain. It sent arousal straight to his cock. He knew the feeling would only get more intense the longer they were on there.

_‘Don’t they hurt?’ asks Marc, frowning in confusion as he holds the clamps up and peers at them._

_Kay grins. ‘Yeah, that’s the point. It’s not like real pain. It makes them feel hot and throbby.’ He tugs Marc close and kisses him. ‘I really like it.’_

_Marc grins against his mouth. ‘What Kay likes, Kay gets.’_

‘That’s it, good boy,’ murmured Rik and Kay wished he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to hear him. He wanted to hear Marc.

But Marc wasn’t there.

Rik was moving behind him, his hand trailing across his back in a soft caress. ‘You look so beautiful like this. I always want to remember how you look right now.’ His hand lifted off Rik’s back and there was a moment where nothing happened.

Then Rik was back, gripping his hips in a possessively tight hold. ‘I’m going to spank you now. It’ll be hard. I’m going to use my hand and the leather paddle. Can you hold this position or do you need help?’

He must be talking about the handcuffs he’d left out. Kay didn’t mind using them but he much preferred to be cuffed on his back, not during a spanking.

‘I’ll hold this position, Sir.’

‘Good boy,’ said Rik. ‘Now, this part is your punishment for your behaviour yesterday. You need to learn not to doubt me.’

‘Yes, Sir.’

‘And now you’ve said you can hold the position, I expect you to do that. If you fail to do so, I will finish your spanking with the belt. Do you understand?’

Kay clenched his body to stop himself trembling. He’d never been spanked with a belt. He didn’t think he’d like it. He would hold the position.

‘I’ll hold it, Sir.’

‘Good boy,’ said Rik again.

Kay’s belly squirmed pleasantly. He hadn’t liked that at first but now he was starting to. It meant he was getting something right.

Rik pulled away for a moment and Kay guessed he was fetching the leather paddle. He’d had that before, from Marc. It wasn’t really hard, mostly stingy.

_‘Get over here,’ says Marc, with a grin. He grabs Kay’s hands and tugs him over his lap. ‘I wanna try this paddle thing out now. It’d better be good, the money it cost.’_

_Kay laughs, settling comfortably across Marc’s lap. ‘It is real leather.’ He hesitated. ‘ I hope it’s not too hard.’_

_Marc rubs his ass, then pats it gently. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you.’ He pauses and laughs. ‘Well, only in the way you like to be hurt.’_

If only Marc had been telling the truth, but he’d hurt Kay more than he’d ever thought possible. Well, he wasn’t letting that happen again. Not ever.

Rik laid the paddle across his back and rubbed Kay’s ass. ‘I want you to think about what you did during this, mein Engel. I don’t want to have to punish you for something like this again.’

He didn’t give Kay a chance to reply. The next second, he had brought his hand down hard across Kay’s bottom, then again and again. Kay clenched his body, reminding himself he had to stay still. They weren’t light slaps. The plug filled him and he felt it every time he clenched. Rik spanked him hard and fast, creating a burning heat in his ass. His body rocked, with the pure force of the spanking, making the clamps tug all the more on him.

Kay was caught between pleasure and pain and all he could do was submit to it. It was taking him away from the thoughts in his mind, making him nothing but the burning heat across his body.

Rik stopped but only for a moment, to pick up the leather paddle. He swung it hard into Kay’s bottom and it was more than stingy. It burned worse than Rik’s hand, making that heat more intense. The rhythm was immediately fast and brutal and Kay felt his legs shaking with the effort to keep still. He wanted it to stop and he could call out his safeword but he didn’t, because more than he wanted it to stop, he wanted to be properly punished. He needed to be punished. He had been foolish enough to give his heart to the wrong person. He’d questioned the one person who wasn’t ashamed of him, the one person who might come to love him. He deserved to be punished for that. But he needed more.

Barely even aware of what he was doing, he squirmed away from the paddle. Half of his brain was screaming at him, warning him of that belt, but the other half, the half he was listening to, knew he needed it.

Rik tutted. ‘What a shame,’ he murmured. ‘I was nearly done.’

Then Kay heard the unmistakable sound of Rik pulling his belt from his trouser loops. He got back into position, ready for it.

‘How many do you think you deserve for that?’ Rik asked.

‘Ten, Sir.’

Rik chuckled softly. ‘You’re harder on yourself than I am. No, since it was such a small slip and you have faced up to it, I will give you five with the belt. You only had a couple left with the paddle.’

‘Thank you, Sir.’

Rik patted his burning backside. ‘You’re welcome, mein Engel. But be aware, if you move again, I will start the whole thing again.’

Kay locked his body in position and waited. There was a moment of just waiting, then Kay heard the whoosh of the belt before it hit with a burning stripe across his bottom. Four more fast and hard strokes followed. Kay was trembling all over and he heard himself let out a raw cry and then it was over. He heard the belt drop, then felt the bed dip and Rik was pulling him into his arms. He wrapped his arms around Kay’s chest and pulled him close, pressing his cock against his burning hot and throbbing backside.

‘I’m gonna fuck you now,’ he murmured.

Kay felt like he had lost the ability to form words. As Rik tugged out the plug and replaced it with his cock, Kay’s world shrank to just the heat in his body and Rik’s strong arms around him.

In seconds, he was being fucked hard, pressed into the mattress and he could barely breathe with the intensity of it. His body trembled with an orgasm he was barely aware of as all his attention focused on the heat of Rik as he spilled inside him.

Then it was done and Rik was releasing the clamps and throwing them out of the way. He massaged Kay’s nipples roughly.

He slipped out of him and pushed the plug back inside. He pressed Kay to the mattress beneath his weight and kissed the back of his neck.

‘Feel that?’

Kay nodded.

‘You’re all mine now, mein Engel.’

There were no thoughts in Kay’s head, nothing but the feel of what Rik had done to his body, to him. ‘All yours,’ he confirmed and felt his body turn to jelly as Rik wrapped his arms around him and kissed him hard.

‘Good boy,’ he murmured, his voice filled with all the affection Kay craved. ‘Good boy.’

As Rik removed the blindfold, Kay closed his eyes. He was nothing now, nothing but Rik’s plaything.


	21. Chapter 21

Kay woke with strong arms around him and the warmth of another person against his back. He kept his eyes closed, allowing himself to daydream that it was Marc.

_‘Keep still, wriggle-bum,’ murmurs Marc. ‘You’re supposed to be my hot water bottle.’_

_Kay grins, pressing back into Marc’s embrace. ‘Maybe we haven’t burned off enough energy yet,’ he suggests, giving Marc a cheeky grin and wiggling his ass against him._

_Marc laughs, then kisses his shoulder. ‘You’ll have to give me a bit longer to recover first.’ He wraps both arms around Kay, holding him close. ‘Though at the moment, I’m happy to just hold you.’ He sighs contentedly. ‘It feels nice.’_

_Kay closes his eyes, focusing on the feel of Marc. His front is pressed against his back and his arms are firm and strong around him. His mouth is soft against his shoulder and his breath is hot on his neck. Marc’s right. This does feel nice. He could just stay in this embrace forever._

Rik shifted behind him. ‘Mmm, what time is it?’

The daydream broken, Kay sighed and checked his alarm clock. ‘Nearly five.’

‘Phew, we did sleep a while.’ He reached in between them and felt Kay’s backside. He laughed. ‘Your ass is still warm though. Sore?’

Kay stretched, allowing himself to discover what his body felt like. His nipples were tender and his ass still sore. He clenched as he realised he still had the plug in.

Rik pulled back and smacked his ass. ‘I asked you a question. Are you sore?’

‘Yeah, but I deserved it,’ he said.

Rik laughed and kissed his shoulder. ‘Yes, you did. Have you learned your lesson?’

‘Yes, Sir.’

He held Kay tight and kissed his shoulder. ‘Good boy. So, no more questioning me. Right, go and get a shower and I’ll take you out to dinner.’

‘I can take the plug out, can’t I?’

Rik kissed his neck, then reached around to tug lightly at his nipples, before allowing his hands to roam across Kay’s chest. It felt possessive rather than like a loving caress, like he could do what he wanted with him. Kay supposed he could. He was Rik’s plaything now.

‘Yes, you can. But if you misbehave, I’m not above making you wear it out sometime.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay, as he got up and headed to his bathroom.

In the shower, he leaned against the tile and wondered what he’d become. He knew this wasn’t like him, the him he’d been before Marc. That Kay wouldn’t be meekly doing what anybody else told him. That Kay demanded what he wanted.

But this new Kay was somebody different. This new Kay was just a toy, a plaything. Just a fuck. This new Kay would be what Rik wanted if that was the only way to get the love he needed. It didn’t matter. Kay was already that. After Marc, Kay was just a fuck.

The world of online dating moved quickly. After updating his profile to ‘available’ that morning, Marc had received quite a few messages and had arranged a date with a woman called Julia. According to her profile, she worked in a bookshop and was looking for a ‘serious relationship’.

That was what he wanted too. A serious relationship with the right person. There was no use having regrets. That part of his life had been and gone and it needed to be forgotten. It needed to stay secret.

He was taking Julia to dinner. Since they both wanted something serious, why not start properly. He’d suggested it. He needed to move on and what better way.

He wore a soft grey suit with an open-collared light blue shirt. It picked up his eyes nicely and he was pleased with the way he looked. Since it was their first meeting, they’d agreed to meet at the restaurant itself, for safety’s sake. He was nervous but he did his best to push that away. He could be charming when he wanted to be and there was no reason why this wouldn’t go smoothly.

He arrived at the restaurant on time but she wasn’t there yet. The maître d’ wouldn’t show him to his table until his date arrived so he sat in the bar area and waited, sipping a glass of red wine. He didn’t want to be gassy.

‘Marc?’ said a soft voice behind him. He turned on the stool and smiled. He recognised her immediately. Julia looked just like her picture. She was pretty, with long auburn hair and rich brown eyes. She had a sweet, slightly shy smile. She was wearing a classic black dress, form-fitting and sexy but not over the top.

He stood. ‘Julia, you look beautiful. Did you want a drink first or shall we just sit down?’

Her smile widened. ‘Let’s sit down. I’m starving.’

He grinned. ‘Me too.’

The maître d’ showed them to their table. It was at one side of the restaurant, next to a window. There was a little red lamp in the window and a candle on the table. This was the kind of place which was perfect for proper dates.

_‘Maybe we could go out for dinner,’ says Kay, hopefully. He’s holding a takeaway menu, which he’d been glancing through without enthusiasm. ‘There’s that new place a few streets away. Looks romantic.’_

_Marc clenches his jaw. Why can’t Kay get this through his head? No dates. ‘No way,’ he says, doing his best to ignore that look of disappointment on Kay’s face. ‘If you want to go out, we can get drive-through. Otherwise, no way.’_

_Kay looks back at him for a moment and Marc can see him purposefully arranging his face into a calm expression. Only the hurt in his eyes gives him away._

_He chucks the takeaway menu down and gets up. ‘You have something,’ he says, going off towards his bedroom. ‘I’m not hungry.’_

Marc swallowed down the lump in his throat and took his thoughts away from that painful memory. It wasn’t his fault Kay hadn’t been able to understand his situation. Not everyone could be out and proud like Kay was. It just didn’t work like that.

‘Shall we get a bottle of something?’ he asked Julia, as they looked over the menu.

She smiled warmly. ‘Sure. You choose. I don’t know anything about wine.’

Marc looked over the wine list. He didn’t really know anything about wine either. He didn’t usually drink it. He was normally happy with a beer.

When Kay came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, Rik was looking in his closet.

‘Haven’t got much, have you?’

Kay shrugged. ‘Don’t need much.’

Rik took out his one and only suit. ‘This will have to do. It’s nice though. Good quality.’ He reached under Kay’s towel and squeezed his ass. ‘But remind me to buy you some more. Can’t have my boy going around in the same clothes all the time.’

Kay shrugged. ‘If you like. But I don’t often go places I need to wear a suit.’

‘You will now,’ said Rik. ‘I intend to treat you often. Nothing better than a romantic meal out to show you how much you mean to me.’

Kay looked at him. ‘Do you mean that? You … have feelings for me?’

Rik cupped his cheek, tugged him close for a kiss and smiled. ‘Of course. You’re my boy.’

Kay didn’t say anything but his heart fluttered. Rik cared about him. Rik wanted him. He wanted to be seen out with him.

‘Come on, get that suit on.’ He paused and grinned. ‘And I don’t think you need underwear, do you? I want you to feel the effects of that spanking while we’re out. No point giving yourself extra padding.’

Kay did as he was told, putting on the suit without underwear. Rik chose a light blue shirt to go with it but Kay didn’t own any ties so open-collar would have to do. Rik stroked his neck thoughtfully.

‘Hmm,’ he murmured, but didn’t elaborate.

Finally, they were on their way to an actual date in a real romantic restaurant and Kay felt like he had everything he wanted.

‘I really want to be a librarian,’ said Julia. ‘But the pay is even worse than retail. Maybe someday. What about you? Did you always want to be a gym teacher?’

They were halfway through their meal and Julia was turning out to be a good conversationalist. It was easy to talk to her. ‘No, actually there was a time I thought I was going into the police. That was what my father wanted me to do. You know, follow in his footsteps. But when it came to it, I realised I just wanted to teach.’

‘What did your dad think about that?’

Marc grinned. ‘He’s still working on it.’ He shrugged. ‘But he’s still working on a lot of things about my life. Including the fact that I’m still single.’

‘Oh, my mama is the same. Desperate for grandchildren. But I just think, everything at the right time. Do you know what I mean?’

Marc nodded. ‘Oh, absolutely.’ He put down his knife and fork. ‘Excuse me a moment. I just need to go to the toilet.’

She nodded and he headed over to the toilet. He found himself smiling. He liked her. She was pretty and nice and interesting. There was absolutely no reason why he couldn’t make a life with her. There was no big rush, of course. Like she said, everything at the right time, but she was exactly the kind of woman who his parents would approve of.

As he was heading back to the table, he found himself looking towards the back of the restaurant. At a table for two, opposite another man, sat a blond man who, from the back at least, looked exactly like Kay. Marc kept watching him as he made his way back to his seat but he didn’t look round. Marc put him out of his head. It wouldn’t be Kay and, even if it was, what did that matter? He wasn’t interested in being with him and that was that. He had Julia now. What did it matter what Kay Engel was doing?

But as he sat back down, his appetite disappeared and he only picked at the rest of his food.


	22. Chapter 22

Kay fought not to squirm on the hard dining chair. His ass was really sore now and he could feel exactly where the edges of the belt had struck him. Rik smirked at him across the table.

‘Feeling it now?’

‘Definitely.’

They were at a romantic restaurant not far from Rik’s apartment. Rik had gone all out, reserving the best table in the place, ordering champagne for the table, and presenting Kay with a single rose. Kay had never thought he’d like this romantic shit but every gesture, everything Rik did showed Kay that he was proud to be with him. He wasn’t hiding it. He was making it completely obvious they were a couple.

Rik had ordered for him again and Kay hadn’t argued. He was starting to mind less about that. It was easier to let somebody else make his decisions for him. He knew he wasn’t very good at it.

He leaned towards Rik. ‘It feels weird not to be wearing any underwear,’ he said, in a low voice.

Rik laughed. ‘But you like it, don’t you?’ he said, in his normal voice. ‘You like being reminded.’

Kay felt his cheeks get a little hot. ‘Yeah.’ He took a drink of his water. ‘I’m just going to go to the toilet before the food comes.’

He was about to stand up when Rik placed his hand on his arm. ‘Stop.’

Kay stopped and looked at him. ‘What?’

‘You need to ask for permission.’

Kay frowned. ‘Permission?’

Rik gave him a stern look. ‘Ask me for permission to go to the toilet.’

He squirmed, his face getting hotter. ‘Do I have to?’

Rik sat back, with a faint smile. ‘You can either ask or you can see there for the whole meal and hold it.’

Kay dropped his gaze. ‘Please may I go to the toilet?’

Rik patted his hand. ‘Yes, you may.’

Kay got up and sloped in the direction of the toilet. Why had he done that? What had stopped him just going for a piss when he wanted? He wasn’t sure. He just knew he couldn’t disobey Rik.

On his way back, his gaze suddenly caught a face he recognised. His chest ached and his heart began to race. It was Marc. He was on a date with a woman. His full attention was on her and he hadn’t even noticed Kay.

He walked the long way around back to the table to avoid him and sat down opposite Rik again. He obviously didn’t look himself as Rik leaned forward and took his hand.

‘What is it, mein Engel? What’s wrong?’

Kay rubbed his hand over his face. ‘Just saw someone I didn’t really want to see.’

‘Your ex?’

‘Yeah, he’s over there, on a date with a woman. I don’t want to be here. I just want to go home.’ He swallowed to stop his voice breaking.

‘Hey, look at me,’ said Rik, sternly.

Kay looked at him.

‘You will not let him drive you out of here. You understand? You will not let him stop you doing what you want to do.’

‘So, what do I do? Rik, I don’t know what to do.’

‘Act like he’s not even there. You’re with your boyfriend and that other guy doesn’t matter.’

Kay blinked at him. ‘You’re … my boyfriend?’

Rik smiled. ‘Of course.’ He rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand. ‘You’re all mine and you’ve got nothing to do with that guy anymore. Got it?’

He nodded. ‘Got it.’

Rik raised his hand to his mouth and kissed it. ‘Good.’ He sat back and looked behind Kay. ‘The food’s here.’

Kay took a deep breath as the waiter put the food down. He sipped his water and felt himself begin to calm down.

‘Just eat,’ said Rik. ‘That’s all you have to do.’

Kay took another breath and, under orders, he was able to eat.

Marc cursed his mind. Here he was, on a date in a posh restaurant, eating delicious food in the company of a lovely, pretty and convivial woman, and all he could think about was Kay. He’d been certain it was him and then he’d seen him going past, returning to his table. He hadn’t even glanced at Marc.

Fine. He was over him. Clearly, Kay had pushed everything that had happened away and it really was properly over. Not that it hadn’t been before. It had to be. That didn’t mean that that was what Marc wanted. It was the last thing he wanted.

In fact, at that moment, all he wanted was to get up, stride right over to Kay and pull him into his arms. Then he’d kiss him until they both ran out of breath.

But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t have that life. He couldn’t disappoint his parents like that. He’d be the subject of gossip around school. It could even cost him his job. He knew there were people in his senior management team who thought gay men shouldn’t be around young boys. It was ridiculous that people still thought like that nowadays but he was under no illusions. He’d heard that kind of talk in the locker room and in the staff room. He knew he was bisexual but there was absolutely no need for anyone to ever know. It would ruin his life.

So he just had to ignore his feelings and carry on.

‘Are you all right?’ Julia asked.

He glanced at her and saw the concerned expression on his face. ‘Yeah, sorry, just got lost in my own thoughts for a moment. What were you saying?’

‘Shall we get dessert?’ She smiled. ‘My mama always tells me not to eat too much on a date but they look so delicious.’

Marc glanced behind her at Kay’s table a little way off. He and his date? Boyfriend? Maybe they were just friends. Whatever he was, they were still there, eating their main course.

‘Yeah, dessert, sounds great,’ he said. ‘There’s no rush, is there?’

She beamed at him. ‘Does that mean you’re enjoying my company?’

He smiled back. ‘Of course.’

They ordered dessert. Marc ordered Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte and he couldn’t help think of Kay. He knew that was one of his favourite desserts. They’d ordered in once, from a restaurant, and Kay had had that. Marc found himself smiling as he remembered kissing a little cream from the corner of Kay’s mouth and tasting Kirsch liqueur.

He glanced at Kay’s table again and wondered if they were having dessert too. He frowned as he noticed the rose on the table. Then he noticed that Kay and that man were holding hands. Definitely a date, and not a first one.

As he watched, they finished their main course and the guy motioned for the bill. Kay’s attention was completely on his date. He didn’t even look at the waiter when he brought the bill over.

As Marc finished his cake, they were getting up, then walking across the restaurant. They were still holding hands. Kay stayed close to the guy and didn’t even glance at him. Marc sighed. He’d definitely moved on.


	23. Chapter 23

Kay’s chest ached with sadness. Rik had taken him past Marc, holding his hand and that had been fine. It was just afterwards that it had hit him. That, all that with Marc, whatever it had been, was over now. Really over. Marc was moving on, finding somebody he wasn't ashamed to love and there was nothing Kay could do about it.

In the car, he felt Rik glancing at him as he drove. They were going back to Rik’s place and Kay knew Rik would want to have sex. He didn’t mind. Maybe it would be a good distraction.

After a short drive, they pulled into Rik’s garage and parked. Rik reached out and took his hand, lacing their fingers together securely.

‘Are you all right, mein Engel?’

Kay shrugged. ‘I’ll be fine. I’m tough.’

Rik smiled gently. ‘Yeah, you are.’ He released Kay’s hand and started to get out. ‘Come on, let’s get inside. It’s starting to get cold at nights, isn’t it?’

Kay didn’t reply but climbed out of the car.

In the flat, Kay expected Rik to initiate something but he didn’t. After locking the door, he turned to Kay and gave him a smile. ‘Come on. I think you could do with a bath.’

Kay smiled back at him. ‘That would be nice actually.’ His body still felt sore from earlier, and now his heart was sore as well.

He followed Rik through to the bathroom and sat on the vanity stool as Rik ran him a bath. He put a chocolate orange bath bomb in it and it smelled amazing.

Rik turned to him and smiled. ‘Come on. Get undressed.’

Kay started to undress. Rik took each item off him, then took them out of the bathroom. While he was gone, Kay looked in the mirror. He caught a brief glimpse of his face, and his sad eyes but quickly turned away. Instead, he inspected his ass. It still had a faint pink glow to it but clearer were the bruises. There were a couple of round ones, probably caused by Rik’s hand or the paddle. Then there were a couple of stripes and a bruise on the side of his ass, caused by where the belt had curled around.

He touched it and flinched. It was still tender to the touch, probably not helped by sitting on that hard dining chair. He touched more gently, feeling the edges of where the belt had cut into his skin slightly. He felt strange about it. It wasn’t a pleasure thing, though it had added to the arousal of the scene. He had fully consented and he’d known throughout that he could have stopped it at any moment but, at the same time, it had felt like a punishment. He felt a warmth inside him as he thought about it and it was both gratitude that Rik was taking him in hand like that, and a desire not to cross him again if he could help it.

He clearly needed Rik’s help. Without him, he clearly made stupid decisions, like pursuing and worse, falling in love with, a guy who wanted to be straight. A self-hating gay. Though he knew Marc probably wasn’t gay. He was bisexual and he’d chosen to pursue the side that was attracted to women. Maybe that made it easier. Maybe it didn’t. Whichever way you thought about it, you were still hiding who you were, and that had to hurt.

Kay didn’t care anymore. He had Rik and Rik was going to keep him on the right path. As long as he did what Rik said, Kay wouldn’t get hurt again.

‘Aren’t you getting in?’ asked Rik, coming back into the room.

Kay stopped craning round to see his ass in the mirror and Rik grinned. ‘Inspecting the damage?’ He took hold of Kay’s shoulders and turned him around. He bent him over slightly and gave him a couple of hard smacks, making Kay suck in his breath.

‘Yeah, you’ll feel that for a few days. Good.’ He cupped Kay’s chin and brought his head up to meet his gaze. ‘Whenever you feel it, remember what you did to earn it.’

‘I will,’ said Kay. ‘I won’t question you again.’

Rik smiled and patted his bottom gently. ‘Good boy. In you get.’

Kay stepped into the steaming hot water. Rik’s bath was huge and, for a moment, Kay wondered if Rik was going to get in too but he was still fully dressed and showing no signs of stripping. He sat down on the vanity and watched Kay as he sat down.

As his ass touched the hard porcelain of the bath, he winced and pushed himself up again. Rik laughed. ‘Yeah, told you. Don’t avoid the pain. Feel it.’

Kay sat back down, allowing himself to feel the pain. He lay back in the water and the pressure eased a bit. He closed his eyes and let the hot water wash over him.

Rik let him soak a while, then Kay heard him come over and sit beside the bath. ‘Sit up a bit and I’ll wash your back for you.’

Kay did as he was told. Rik got a clean flannel, wet it under the tap and poured a little shower gel onto it. Kay closed his eyes in enjoyment as Rik washed his back, his arms and his chest. Everything else was under the water. Then Rik poured some shampoo into his hand and started to wash his hair. The feeling was glorious, just to have this soft, loving attention of him completely. Rik wouldn’t do that if it was just sex, if he was just .. a fuck. This proved it. Rik cared about him. Rik wanted to make him feel good. He wanted to _be_ with him, not just fuck him.

When the bath was over, Kay stepped out and Rik got him in a towel straight from the heated rack. It was a sensuous experience to be wrapped in that big warm towel and rubbed dry. Then he cleaned his teeth, went to the toilet and Rik led him to bed.

He tucked him in and kissed his forehead. ‘Go to sleep, mein Engel. I just have to do a few things and then I’ll get in with you.’

Kay closed his eyes. He was so tired suddenly. Maybe it was the big meal, or all the activity he’d had that day, or seeing Marc but all he wanted to do was sleep. He didn’t care that it was early, or that he had work in the morning. He was so warm and comfortable, naked under the sheets and deliciously hot and relaxed from the bath that he just drifted into sleep. He was just aware, as he dozed off, of Rik climbing in beside him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. Everything was all right now. He was safe and loved.


	24. Chapter 24

The months passed and Marc felt like he had resumed his normal life. That time with Kay, nearly a year with him and now six months without him, felt like a different life, a different person. That Marc had given in to his urges, had allowed himself to dream of a life he could never experience.

He was still dating Julia. They’d been on countless dates now and he did like her. She was good company and easy to talk to. After the fifth date, they’d had sex. She’d been inviting him in for coffee since the third but he hadn’t wanted to rush it. The actual sex had been nice and he enjoyed being with her but there wasn’t that same electric charge he experienced when he’d been with Kay.

Still, all of that was in the past now. He had to work on forgetting it. It was nearly Christmas now and his parents kept on at him to bring his girlfriend to meet them.

It was a Friday night and, both having had a long day at work, they’d decided to watch a movie and have take-out. Marc had wanted Thai but Julia didn’t like it so they’d gone for pizza instead.

She’d chosen the movie as well, a romance. He wasn’t that bothered but she was enjoying it. He’d never watched a movie with Kay. Kay had suggested it a few times but he’d shut him down every time. He couldn’t _have_ a boyfriend. If only Kay had understood that, none of this would have been a problem. They could have just carried on the way they were.

‘Hello, earth to Marc, can you hear me?’

Marc blinked and looked at her.

Julia smiled at him. ‘I know it’s a bit of a chick flick but it’s not that bad, is it?’

‘Sorry, I guess I drifted off. Were you saying something?’

‘I was wondering if you were doing anything for Christmas. I don’t … have any plans and I just wondered if you’d like to do anything.’

‘Oh, I normally go to my parents’ house at Christmas.’ He hesitated for a moment, then took the plunge. He might as well move things to the next step, prove he was serious about this. ‘Would you like to come? My parents are desperate to meet you.’

She beamed, reaching out and cupping his cheek. ‘Oh, Marc!’ she exclaimed. ‘I’d love to.’

He smiled. ‘Good. I mean, we don’t do anything special. Just good food and play a few board games. They’re a bit … old fashioned but my mama’s a fantastic cook.’

‘Sounds wonderful.’ She hesitated, biting her lip. ‘Do you think they’ll like me?’

He stroked her hair. ‘Of course, they’ll love you.’

_You’re just what they want for me._

After his last session at work, Kay headed to the locker room and had a shower before getting changed into his jeans and t-shirt. His phone told him it was cold outside so he pulled on his hoodie and his winter coat as well. Another week done. He had the weekend off and so did Rik.

He smiled as he pulled on his backpack and made his way outside. He’d been good and Rik had promised him a reward. He just had to do what he’d been told.

He got into his car. He still wasn’t used to it. Rik had bought it for him. It was a BMW, top of the range with gorgeous leather interiors. He loved it but it was very different to drive than his old car.

He drove to Rik’s place. Rik wanted him to move in but he wasn’t sure he was ready. It was true he was staying there almost every night but it gave him a feeling of independence to keep hold of his studio. It meant he always had somewhere to retreat to.

He let himself into Rik’s place and checked the time. He had twenty minutes before Rik was due to get home. He put his work clothes in the wash, got himself a drink, then went to the toilet. Then he got undressed, put his clothes neatly away in his drawer and got into position in front of the door.

Rik had taught him the position. He could hold it for ages now and had done. Sometimes Rik had made him hold this position for a few hours, waiting for him. He liked to keep him waiting. He said it reinforced his submission.

The position was kneeling, sitting back on his heels with his back straight. He had to lay his hands on his thighs and look down at the floor. Then he would just wait.

He was technically supposed to empty his mind when he did this or think only of Rik. Rik laughingly called it a kind of meditation, said it was important to get his head into the proper submissive headspace.

But Kay always failed at that. Without Rik there in front of him, his mind always drifted to Marc. It had been six months now since the breakup and he still couldn’t believe it. It still hurt and sometimes he wondered if the pain would ever go away. The only time it didn’t hurt was when Rik was doing things to him. _With him_ , he corrected himself. Then he had other things to concentrate on and he could forget.

He hadn’t seen Marc since that night in the restaurant and he was glad. He never wanted to see him again. Unfortunately, the image of Marc still lurked in his head and he wasn’t sure he’d ever drive the image out.

He heard footsteps outside and he hastily made sure his position was correct. The door opened and Rik stepped in. He smiled down at Kay as he shut the door.

‘Ah, mein Engel, there you are.’ His gaze raked over him. ‘My perfect angel.’

Kay basked in the glow of the praise and waited to be told what to do. Rik stepped closer, then reached out and stroked his hair.

‘Kiss,’ murmured Rik.

Kay leaned forward and kissed Rik’s cock through his pants. This was a ritual too. It showed his submission.

Rik stroked his hair again. ‘Good boy. Stand up.’

Kay stood. Rik smiled at him. ‘You’ve been very obedient these past few weeks,’ he said. He stroked his cheek, then leaned in and kissed him softly on the mouth. ‘So I am going to make love to you now.’ His hand moved lower, stroking his chest, then down over his belly. He stroked his cock softly and Kay felt it stir. ‘I am going to make you feel so good, my angel because you deserve it.’

Warmth filled Kay as Rik took his hand and led him to the bedroom. He knew when Rik talked like this that there was just love and softness coming his way. Rik was going to take him in his arms and make love to him. Rik was going to show him he loved him, that Kay mattered.


	25. Chapter 25

Kay lay back in bed, with Rik’s arms around him and felt completely relaxed. A warm post-coital haze surrounded him and his mind felt blissfully blank. Rik dropped kisses across his shoulder, then pressed his mouth to his neck and let out a long breath.

‘It’s so good just to be with you,’ he murmured. ‘I wish I could stay here forever.’

Kay smiled. ‘We could. I’ll quit my job and you could work from home. We could just order in food and never go anywhere ever again.’

Rik held him tight. ‘Sounds perfect. You could just lie around while I work.’ He kissed the back of his head. ‘You wouldn’t even need any clothes.’

Kay scoffed. ‘You’re obsessed with me being naked.’

Rik trailed a hand down his side, then cupped his ass. ‘Can you blame me? You’re just so beautiful.’

Kay closed his eyes, just letting those words wash over him, those beautiful, loving words. He could be happy, just as long as he kept hearing things like that, just as long as Rik loved him.

‘Unfortunately, we can’t do that. At least not this weekend,’ said Rik.

Kay looked at him. ‘Why, what’s going on this weekend?’

Rik sighed, kissing his shoulder again. ‘I have to go away, mein Engel. Work thing. Tried to get out of it but I couldn’t. Team building thing. You know what it’s like.’ He chuckled. ‘Well, you don’t because you work in a gym.’

‘They still make us do team building sometimes.’

‘Yes, but you’re not exactly in the corporate world, are you?’

‘No, guess not. So how long will you be gone for?’

‘Like I said, at least the weekend. I might stay away a few more days after that.’

‘What, voluntarily staying longer on a team-building weekend? Why?’

‘I fancy fucking my secretary. He’s gorgeous.’

Kay stiffened. Rik looked at him and laughed. ‘Come on, you don’t mind, do you? You’re more open-minded than that.’

‘Course I don’t mind,’ said Kay, deliberately casually.

Rik patted his bottom. ‘Good boy.’ He turned him onto his back and kissed him. ‘I’ll tell you all about it when I get home.’

Kay shrugged. ‘Sure.’

Rik grinned. ‘You going to be good while I’m gone?’

‘I will. I might go back to my flat, sort a few things out there. I’ve not been home for ages.’

‘All right, but I want you to sleep here at night. Then I’ll know you’re safe.’ His tone left no room for argument and Kay didn’t bother trying.

‘Sure, I’ll sleep here at night. Keep an eye on your place for you.’

‘You could just move in,’ said Rik.

‘We’ve been through this. I’m not ready yet.’

‘Well, as soon as you, I’ll be packing your bags for you.’ He cuddled him close. ‘Then I can have you all to myself whenever I want.’

Kay pulled a face at that but Rik didn’t see him. He was certain he wasn’t going to be ready for a while. He still needed space from Rik sometimes. It wasn’t like with M… like with other guys he’d been with. Rik was so intense that being with him all the time just wasn’t something he could handle.

Rik was just going to have to deal with that, even if he didn’t like it. After all, Rik was always doing things he didn’t like.

Marc listened to Julia’s deep, steady breathing as he stared, wide-awake at the ceiling. Her bare skin was soft and warm against his and he should have felt soothed and be able to drop off into a nice, restful sleep. But that wasn’t happening.

He didn’t feel restful. He didn’t feel right. Even though he wasn’t alone, he felt lonely. It was ridiculous. He had a perfectly nice girlfriend, who he was planning on taking home to his parents. On paper, she was perfect for him and he was attracted to her. Who wouldn’t be? They got on well and always had fun together. He wanted it to be right so much. But he knew it wasn’t.

He knew why he couldn’t sleep, though he wouldn’t have admitted it if asked. He didn’t _want_ to go to sleep because he knew, if he did, he would dream about Kay.

Despite his resistance, the moment he thought his name, his mind showed him an image of him. That smile lighting up his whole face, those blue eyes, bright with mischief. He showed so much through his eyes. Not just his cheeky side, but his more vulnerable side. Marc had been able to see all his fears and desires in those eyes.

Not that he had paid any attention to them. In fact, he had wilfully ignored them, because he didn’t want to be responsible for Kay’s feelings. He didn’t want to be responsible for anything except pleasing himself.

But he wasn’t doing that. He was pleasing his parents.

He slipped out of bed, pulled on boxers and a t-shirt and slipped outside. He had a little balcony, just big enough for two people to stand out here and talk. It was cold and he realised he should have put a little more clothes on, and something on his feet, but he didn’t want to go back in now.

He looked out over the city and all of a sudden, he could feel Kay with him as vividly as if it were real, as if he’d come back.

_The rich orange light of the sunset seems to make Kay’s skin glow and Marc cannot take his eyes off him. He is naked, unashamed and beautiful. Kay doesn’t care if anyone sees him like this. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. He just does what he feels. Marc doesn’t understand the feelings that come when he looks at Kay but he doesn’t want to. It is all he can do to just feel them._

_Kay leans against the rail and grins at him. ‘Beautiful, isn’t it?’_

_Marc hesitates, then reaches forward, hooks his finger beneath Kay’s chin and brings him close. Kay laughs, letting himself be led with an eagerness he doesn’t bother to hide._

_Some part of him tells him he shouldn’t kiss him here, but the part that doesn’t care is too big to ignore and he meets Kay’s soft lips in a kiss._

_Kay sighs into him, his hands coming to rest on Marc’s shoulders. He skirts his thumbs across Marc’s bare skin and presses himself against the bulge in his pants. Marc hears himself let out a little whimper as his cock stirs eagerly._

_He has fucked Kay twice already that night but that’s the thing about Kay. Marc always wants more of him. It is never enough._

_Kay breaks the kiss but doesn’t pull away. He trails his fingers through Marc’s hair, then down over his shoulders and along his spine. He reaches his hips, grips and pulls him closer, bumping their erections together through the cotton of Marc’s shorts._

_‘I was going to have a smoke but feels like you want to go for round three to me.’_

_Marc reaches round and gives Kay’s deliciously firm and round ass a couple of little smacks. He feels the skin warm beneath his hand and Kay lets out a soft, needy whimper._

_‘I think I’d better deal with you for smoking first,’ Marc says, giving his lover a grin._

_Kay beams back at him. ‘Sounds fun.’ He grabs Marc’s hand and tugs him. ‘Come on, stud.’_

_Marc just laughs and allows himself to be pulled back to the bed, back to pleasure, back to the addictive feel of Kay’s body under his hands and against his skin._

Marc sighed and leaned against the railing. He wanted this to be Kay’s fault. All to do with him for not letting it just be what it was. All that boyfriend talk. All that stuff about love.

But it was Marc’s fault. All of it. Every single thing that had gone wrong between them was his fault. All because he couldn’t admit what they both knew. They loved each other.

But he was a fucking coward. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit it to himself, never mind to Kay. He couldn’t expose himself to the consequences of admitting it. It was too difficult, all of it. He couldn’t have that life.

‘Marc, where are you?’ Julia called; her voice was soft and heavy with sleep.

‘I’m here,’ he called back. ‘I’m coming back in.’

He took one last look at the city, then sighed and turned back inside, back to Julia and back to the only life he could have. He had to leave the other one behind now. For good.


	26. Chapter 26

Saturday afternoon, Rik had kissed him goodbye like he was a 1950s husband heading off to work. There certainly was that side to Rik. Well, Kay wasn’t going to be his damn housewife.

Rik had patted his bare backside and gave him a grin. ‘Remember, you need to come back here every night and no clothes while you’re here.’

‘I know,’ Kay replied, managing not to roll his eyes. That was a rule Rik had established from the beginning. Kay was to be naked at all times when at Rik’s place, except when answering the door. He’d got used to it now, though he didn't _love_ it.

‘And order in anything you want. There’s plenty of money on the credit card.’

‘I will.’

Rik kissed him again, then picked up his bag and headed out. Kay shut the door behind him. He glanced at the smart home screen and knew that Rik would look in on him to check up on him.

Well, Kay would be there, at night anyway. He went to get dressed and headed out. If Rik was going to get up to what he wanted, then so was he. He knew a place. It wasn’t a nightclub because it was open all the time, but it was a place like-minded people could get together. Most people referred to it as ‘the hangout’ so other people wouldn’t know what you were talking about.

He went for a run first, then back to his flat for a shower and something to eat. By the time he went to the hangout, it was early evening. He’d gone with simple black jeans, black t-shirt, and his black denim jacket, sexy but not out of the ordinary in the street.

There were quite a few people in the hangout, mostly couples or small groups talking. But there were a couple of people on their own like him. His gaze fell on a striking man maybe a year or two younger than him. He was blond, with dark eyes. He was wearing blue jeans, and the tight white t-shirt he was wearing showed off the muscles on his slim chest.

Kay got a drink and sat at one of the small tables and watched him, waiting to see if he would get any interest in return. He was about half-way through his glass of coke when the man looked at him.

Kay smiled and the man smiled back. The next moment, he was coming over. Kay sat up straighter and held his gaze.

The guy came over. As he reached him he leaned in towards Kay’s ear. ‘Can I buy you a drink?’

Kay grinned. Polite confidence. He liked that. ‘Sure,’ he said.

The man kissed his cheek, then moved off to the bar. He was back a few minutes later with another coke for Kay and a lemonade for himself. He sat down next to him. ‘I’m Klaus.’

‘Kay,’ he said, taking a sip of his drink.

Klaus smiled. His brown eyes were warm and twinkly. ‘Good to meet you, Kay. So, what are you into?’

Kay grinned, the familiar spark of excitement in his belly. He knew how to do this. He was an expert at this. ‘I’m into having handsome strangers take me home to fuck me.’

He laughed, raising his eyebrows. ‘You’re bold, aren’t you?’

Kay shrugged. ‘No point being anything else.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t have anywhere to take you. Do you have somewhere to go?’

Kay smiled. ‘Yeah, let’s go to my place.’

Kay drove them back to his place. Klaus seemed impressed with the car but he didn’t particularly comment. They walked into the flat and Kay shut the door behind them. Klaus licked his lips, his gaze dropping to Kay’s mouth.

‘Are we doing this then?’ he asked.

Kay grinned and nodded. ‘We are.’ He reached out and tugged Klaus to him. Their lips met in a kiss, soft and tentative at first, then they both gave in to their urges and they deepened the kiss, their mouths claiming each other and eager moans escaping.

Klaus pushed him against the wall and broke the kiss to speak. ‘I’m … guessing,’ he panted. ‘Then since you were at the hangout, you like it rough?’

Kay grinned, dropping a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. ‘Yeah, but no marks. My boyfriend would kill me.’

Klaus laughed, then pushed a hand into his jacket and up under his t-shirt. ‘Who would want to mark this beautiful body?’

_My boyfriend does. He likes hurting me._

Kay pushed the thought away. He wasn’t here to think about Rik. He was here to forget about him for a while, to escape from that sometimes-suffocating control. There were good bits about it but it really could be suffocating.

Klaus was manoeuvring him to the bed, kissing his mouth, then moving lower to kiss his jaw and nibble on his neck. He pushed him to the bed then covered his body with his own.

‘You feel so good,’ he murmured.

Kay closed his eyes, soaking up the soft, reverent words. Klaus pushed his t-shirt up and kissed a path up his stomach then over his nipples. He tongued them roughly, one at a time, then bit down on the right, then the left. Kay let out a cry as that feeling of _pleasurepain_ throbbed through him.

Klaus’s mouth was soft again, kissing the slight soreness better. He glanced up at Kay’s face. ‘Did you like that?’

Kay reached out to him, stroking his hair. ‘Yeah, more like that.’

His lover grinned at him, then lowered his head again and attached his mouth to Kay’s left nipple. He sucked and kissed and licked, then nibbled a little, catching the swollen nub in his teeth and tugging.

Kay gave himself up to the feelings being created in his body. This was it. This was what he needed. Simple, uncomplicated sex. How had he got involved in a relationship again so soon? It was too soon. It wasn’t what he needed. _This_ was what he needed.

Klaus’s hands went to the buttons on his jeans and he broke off from his attention on Kay’s nipples to look up at him.

‘Is this okay?’ he asked and waited for Kay’s nod before he undid his jeans.

Kay sat up to shed his jacket and his t-shirt. Klaus pulled off his jeans and his black boxer-briefs too and then he was on him, rubbing his denim-clad crotch against Kay’s erection.

He heard himself groan in pleasure and Klaus chuckled against him. ‘Do you know how vocal you are?’

Kay smirked. ‘I’ve got soundproofing.’

Klaus laughed. ‘You’re gonna need it.’ He reached under him and cupped his ass. ‘You’ve got a very spankable ass. Do you like that?’

Kay nodded. ‘Just for fun.’

‘Of course.’ He sat up, then tugged Kay over his knee.

Kay rubbed himself against the denim-clad thigh, enjoying the sensation. Klaus stroked his ass, then raised his hand and gave him several smacks, hard enough to create that delicious warmth but light enough that it wouldn’t make him sore.

As he continued to spank him, Kay began to feel that familiar spaced-out feeling, where pleasure and pain mingled, and he could think of nothing but what was happening in that moment.

Then he realised that Klaus had stopped spanking him and was rubbing his ass, his large hand warm and comforting against his skin.

‘Do you want me to fuck you now?’ he asked.

‘Fuck, yes!’ Kay replied, making Klaus laugh again.

He dug in his pocket and Kay held on to his t-shirt so he wouldn’t slip off his lap as Klaus got the lid off the tube he’d taken from his pocket.

Kay jerked slightly as he felt the cool gel on his asshole and he felt himself let out another moan as two fingers slipped inside. That feeling of being open and vulnerable over somebody’s lap, yet knowing he was safe, was intoxicating.

With Kay sufficiently, prepared Klaus eased him off his lap and stood up to strip. Kay shuffled up the bed and lay on his side, waiting. In a moment Klaus, naked, beautiful and gloriously hard, was settling into place behind him. There was a moment where he fiddled with the condom, then he was taking hold of Kay by the hips and, tantalisingly slowly, pulling him back onto his cock.

Kay focused completely on the sensations. The feel of being filled, the firm grip on his hips and the soft kisses at the back of his neck as Klaus pushed all the way inside.

Klaus wrapped his arm around Kay’s chest and Kay was reminded, painfully of Marc. He always did that. _Fuck, I miss him. Does he even think of me?_

He pushed the thought away and focused on Klaus as the younger man pulled back and slammed into him. A second later, he was fucking him, hard and fast and rough. His hand palmed his chest, holding him steady and Kay allowed his head to fall back against his shoulder as he was taken completely.

Afterwards, they lay in companionable silence, still joined together for a little while. Klaus trailed his fingers down his chest and dropped tender kisses on his neck and shoulder.

‘That was good,’ said Kay.

‘Perfect way to spend an evening if you ask me.’

‘Shit, what time is it?’

‘Nearly seven, I think. Why, will your boyfriend really go mad?’ he asked, concerned.

Kay shook his head. ‘No. He’s probably fucking his secretary about now. Or making moves on him anyway.’

‘As long as you’re all right?’

‘Yeah, fine.’ He patted his cheek. ‘Nice of you to worry though, seeing as we’re complete strangers.’

Klaus pulled back a little to look at him. ‘You’re still a person. Just because I don’t know you doesn’t mean I don’t care.’

Kay gazed at him. ‘If that’s true then you’re pretty unique. Plenty of people don’t even care about the people they do know.’

Klaus touched his cheek tenderly. ‘Does somebody care about you, Kay?’

Kay dropped his gaze. ‘Nobody I want to.’

Klaus just looked at him for a moment, then he pulled back. He dealt with the condom, then reached for his jeans. Kay thought he was just going to head off, but he pulled out his wallet and took out a card.

‘I know this is just a one-night thing and that’s fine but I dunno, you just seem …’

Kay sat up. ‘What?’

He frowned, considering for a moment. ‘Sad. Like maybe you don’t have anyone.’ He passed Kay the card. ‘That’s my number. Save it, just in case. Okay?’

‘In case what?’

‘In case you need help. Because you’re not alone, no matter what anybody tells you. You can count on me if you need to, that’s all I’m saying.’

Kay swallowed down a lump in his throat. Why was this perfect stranger being so nice to him? He’d already fucked him. He had nothing left to get from him. But there was something so sincere in those warm brown eyes that Kay nodded. Without looking at it, he put the card safely in his bedside drawer.

‘I’d better go anyway,’ said Klaus. He leaned in and kissed Kay on the corner of his mouth. ‘I had fun.’

Kay gave him a warm smile. ‘So did I.’

Klaus smiled back, then got up and got dressed. In a few moments, he was letting himself out of the flat and shutting the door softly behind him.

Left alone, Kay went to get a shower and get dressed again, just so he could go and sit naked in Rik’s flat and order takeout because that was what his life was now.

But why should it be? He needed to cool it a bit with Rik. He knew Rik would look in on the cameras and maybe he would be annoyed. But he’d probably just build it into a scene and Kay didn’t even need to do that if he didn’t want. No, he couldn’t be bothered going back to Rik’s flat now. So after his shower, he put on his lounge clothes, put the TV on and ordered takeout from his own account. Screw what Rik thought. If Kay didn’t want to join in with his games, he could just avoid him until he cooled off a little. That was all he had to do.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter where the tagged warnings are particularly important to take note of. Triggers of partner abuse, threats and violence in this chapter. Proceed with caution and take care.

‘Hello, mein Engel,’ came Rik’s cheery voice down the phone. It was Monday evening and Kay had been home for an hour. He’d got changed and had a pizza in the oven and a couple of bottles of beer chilling in the fridge. He was settling in for a night in to himself.

‘Hi, Rik,’ he said, trying to keep the weariness out of his voice. He didn’t want to deal with this tonight.

‘I was expecting you to be here when I got home. Why don’t you come over now and make it up to me?’

‘Not tonight, Rik. I had a busy day and I just want to chill here.’

Rik sighed. ‘I see. Well, mein Engel, I’m disappointed. I thought you might want to make it up to me for not staying at my place this weekend as I told you to.’

‘I just didn’t feel like it.’

‘And what did you feel like doing?’ Rik asked, a definite edge to his voice.

Kay shrugged, even though Rik couldn’t see him. ‘Just like staying at home. Look, I’ve got a busy week at work. Let’s leave it for now and maybe have a date at the weekend.’

‘Yeah, fine,’ said Rik tightly, then put the phone down.

Kay sighed. He was going to pay for that. Never mind, he’d probably enjoy it when it came to it. It was just a game really.

His oven timer went off and he went to see to it. The delicious scent of cheese and pepperoni filled his flat and his stomach rumbled. He tipped it onto a plate, grabbed his beer and went to eat it in front of the TV.

Less than an hour later, the quiz show he was watching ended and he got up to put his plate away before he decided what else to watch. He was just investigating the bottom of his freezer for some ice cream when he heard what sounded like a key in the front door.

Alarm pulsing through him, he stepped out of the kitchen just in time to see Rik coming in, shutting and locking the door behind him. The hard expression on his face immediately put Kay on his guard.

‘I don’t remember giving you a key,’ he said, coldly.

Rik smirked. ‘I’ve told you before I’m used to getting what I want.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘You disobeyed me. Are you ready to take your punishment?’

Kay looked away. ‘I’m not in the mood for this. I told you I’ve had a busy day.’

‘You had a busy weekend too,’ said Rik.

Kay shrugged. ‘So did you, I bet.’

Rik took several slow, even strides closer. ‘I’ll give you a chance. Confess, then drop to your knees and I’ll fuck your mouth. Maybe I’ll forgive you.’

Kay looked at him. ‘I don’t have anything to confess. Don’t you get it? I’m not in the mood.’

Rik reached him and Kay met his eyes defiantly but he didn’t see it coming. Rik raised his hand and slapped him hard across the face. Kay gasped in shock and pain and Rik grabbed him by the arm and punched him hard in the stomach.

Adrenalin spiking, Kay struggled against the grip but Rik was strong and determined and Kay was already winded from the punch and dizzy from the slap. Rik shook him hard, then turned him and pinned his arm behind his back. Kay fought, desperately trying to get free but Rik’s grip was like steel as he pushed him towards the bed.

Kay’s mind was racing. What was Rik going to do? Did he want to beat him? Rape him?

He had to get free. He kicked out but before he’d managed to make contact, Rik shoved him down on the bed and pinned him down with an elbow to his back, with the force of all Rik’s weight behind it.

‘Stop struggling, mein Engel. Take your punishment and it won’t be too bad.’

‘Get the fuck off me,’ Kay spat.

Rik slapped the back of his head, then pushed down, forcing his face into the mattress. ‘I’d be much more polite if I were you, Engel. I could kill you if I wanted.’ He held his head there for a moment before letting him up for air.

‘What if … I don’t … struggle?’ Kay panted.

‘Then I will give you your punishment and leave you to recover alone if that’s what you want.’

Kay struggled harder. ‘I haven’t done anything wrong.’

Rik stroked his hair. ‘Yes, you have, mein Engel, and you know you have. You let another man use what’s mine. I don’t like sharing.’

_How the fuck did he know?_

‘Admit it, Engel. Admit what you did and I’ll go easy on you.’

‘What if I don’t?’

Rik leaned in and kissed his cheek, even as he pinned him down. ‘Then I will hurt you until you confess.’

All the fight went out of Kay and he sagged. ‘All right, yeah, I had sex with someone else.’

‘You let him fuck you,’ Rik spat. He eased his grip a little to push Kay’s lounge pants and boxers down. He pushed one finger in between his cheeks. Kay sucked in his breath as Rik forced the finger inside him. ‘This is mine, do you understand that? Nobody else’s. Mine.’

Kay didn’t say anything.

‘Say it,’ hissed Rik. ‘Or I’ll fuck you right here and make it hurt.’

‘I’m yours,’ said Kay. ‘Nobody else’s. Just yours.’

‘Good.’ He tugged his finger out, then smacked Kay’s cheek hard. Kay squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think about anything else as that hand came down again and again, harder and harder across his backside.

By the time Rik got off him and started to use his belt, there was no more fight left in Kay. He just lay there and took it.

Afterwards, he lay there, limp and helpless with his pants still around his ankles and his backside throbbing with pain, and forced himself not to cry. Rik put his belt back on, then crossed to Kay’s bedside drawer. Kay raised his head to watch.

Rik took out the card Klaus had given him and put it in his pocket. He looked at Kay and shook his head. ‘Maybe now you’ll understand the situation. You belong to me and I can do what I like with you. Nobody will stop me and I will find out anything you do, just like I found out about Klaus. Don’t cross me again.’

Kay didn’t say anything, because he no longer could. He just nodded and cast his gaze downward. Rik looked over him for a moment, then turned away.

‘I’ll come and see you tomorrow. Think about moving in, won’t you? Then you won’t have to worry about anything ever again. You can be mine and nobody else will bother you.’

He let himself out, locking the door again behind him. Kay lay there for a moment, numb and shellshocked. Then he kicked off his pants, shuffled up the bed and climbed in, his body throbbing with pain. He pulled the covers over his head and passed out to the sound of the TV still blaring.


	28. Chapter 28

When Kay came around again, it was the early hours of the morning. It was difficult to open his eyes and when he did, he saw the dim, early morning light coming in through his open blinds. He felt dizzy and not quite with it. Parts of him felt numb, while other parts throbbed with pain.

He had to get up and see what the damage was, maybe find some painkillers. Every movement was filled with pain and he couldn’t help groaning and crying out as he crawled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom.

He was nervous to look in the mirror but he braced himself, took a deep breath and looked. He winced. There was a massive bruise on his cheek, which was swollen, and blood from a cut above his eye. He pulled off his t-shirt and saw a bruise on his stomach too. His abs felt tender and it was hard to breathe.

He turned and winced again. There was a round bruise in the middle of his back, probably from where Rik had pinned him down with his elbow. Then there was his ass. There were ugly red stripes across it, crisscrossing bruises, and cuts. He could There was blood, which had dried and he could feel it pinching his skin.

Weak and dizzy, he stumbled into the shower. He didn’t have the energy to wash properly; he just allowed the water the rinse off the blood and the tears. Under the shower spray, it was easier to pretend he wasn’t crying.

When he was clean again, he stepped out and looked at himself in the mirror again. He looked no better. If anything, the bruise on his cheek was more vivid than before. The edges of the cut above his eye were sharper.

A wave of dizziness overtook him and he had to grab the sink to keep himself upright. He couldn’t go into work like this.

_You should go into hospital_ , said the voice which sounded like Marc but wasn’t. _Get your head looked at_.

But he knew he couldn’t. Not with those marks on his ass. What would they think of him? And if Rik had found out about Klaus, what was to stop him from finding out about that too? Then what would he do? It would be something worse. He didn’t want to ever make Rik that angry ever again.

He went back to bed. Gingerly, he pulled on some clothes, wincing as the fabric rubbed against his ass. He squinted at the time. It wobbled in front of him but he could just work it out. It was just before six. Stefan would be in by now, ready to open up the gym for the pre-work workout crowd.

He felt for his phone and called him. He didn’t have to put on an ill voice. He sounded faint and vague enough.

Stefan sounded concerned as Kay made up a story about having fallen on a run and sprained his ankle. ‘Will you be all right? You sound really out of it, Kay. You sure you didn’t hit your head?’

He made himself laugh. ‘No, that’s probably the painkillers. I’ll be fine in a few days.’

‘Well, don’t rush it. The last thing I want is you permanently damaging yourself because you can’t wait to get back to work.’

‘I’ll be careful.’

‘Good. Let me know if you need anything.’

‘I will. Thanks.’

He hung up, put his phone down and tried to get as comfortable as he could. It was only when he’d found a position that didn’t hurt too bad that he realised he hadn’t taken any painkillers.

He couldn’t summon the energy to get up again so he just stayed where he was, closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off to sleep again.

_A soft touch in his hair. Warm breath on his cheek. ‘What have you done to yourself this time?’ Marc asks, fondly._

_Kay smiles, though it hurts. ‘You know my motto. Work hard, play hard.’_

_Marc laughs. ‘I thought it was, play hard, fuck hard.’_

_‘That too.’_

_Marc puts an arm around his shoulders, propping him up a little. ‘Come on, you need to eat.’_

_Kay turns his head away. He feels sick and he doesn’t know why._

_Marc grasps his head in a firm grip and turns it back to him. ‘Eat,’ he says, his voice hard and commanding. There is pain, and fear flares in his body._

_It isn’t Marc._

Kay tried to pull away but Rik’s grip was inescapable.

‘Eat,’ he commanded.

Kay felt the hard edge of a mug at his lips and smelled chicken soup. He opened his mouth and drank obediently. He didn’t have any choice but obedience.

After a few swallows, Rik took the mug away. ‘I see you’ve had a wash. That’s good.’

‘Hurts,’ he gasped.

‘It will do,’ said Rik, evenly. ‘You’ve had a good punishment and proper punishments do hurt. This isn’t a game. This is real. You did wrong and you need to suffer for it.’

‘I need painkillers.’

‘You’re not having painkillers, mein Engel. I want you to feel this pain so you’ll remember. Then you won’t cross me again.’

Kay whimpered but didn’t say anything. What could he say?

Rik sat on the bed and put his arm around his shoulders. He tugged him in so his head rested on his chest. ‘My poor boy. This is a hard lesson for you to learn, isn’t it? I didn’t want to do this to you. It was the last thing I wanted, mein Engel. It hurt my heart so much to do it. But you forced my hand. I had no other choice.’

He stroked Kay’s hair, then leaned down and dropped a kiss into his hair. ‘I love you. I want to look after you, treat you, pleasure you, and make you feel good, but you must obey. Do you understand?’

Kay turned his face into Rik’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to bring back that vision of Marc.

‘Tell me you understand.’ Rik’s voice was soft but hard at the same time. It made it clear he had to respond.

‘I … understand,’ Kay murmured.

Rik patted the back of his head and Kay winced as he caught a sore spot.

‘Good boy,’ he said.

Kay kept his eyes closed and kept trying to bring back that image of Marc, to feel his soft touch again and to hear his warm voice.

_Marc’s gone_ , a voice taunted him, not Marc’s voice. _He’s gone and he isn’t coming back. Because he doesn’t love you and he never did. Nobody else is going to love you. Only me._

It was Rik’s voice, loud and clear in Kay’s head.


	29. Chapter 29

Kay leaned against the window and looked out at the Christmas lights in the neighbouring apartment blocks. Rik had put lights up too but they didn’t make him feel Christmassy. How could he feel Christmassy when all he felt was sadness and fear?

He heard Rik moving around in the apartment behind him. If Kay loved him, he would turn and smile, perhaps say something fond or teasing. But he didn’t, so he just kept looking out of the window. He would be called upon soon enough to perform. He always was.

He didn’t know why but his thoughts turned to his parents. That was another painful spot in his heart. There were so many happy memories in his head and that one dark spot of hurt which was his last memory of them, the night they had thrown him out.

His childhood Christmases all melted together in his memories. He remembered the lights and the decorations, the singing and the games, the food and the drink. It was warmth and softness and love. But he was so different from the kid who had made himself sick eating too many lebkuchen and had loved playing board games with his family. He’d grown up, moved away, fallen in love.

But now, he was different from the person from the one Marc knew. Kay wasn’t even sure he _was_ a person anymore. He only knew one thing for sure about himself. He was Rik’s plaything.

‘Mein Engel, come over here,’ Rik called. His voice was soft, with his usual loving tone, but Kay knew how that voice would sound if he didn’t obey. He had to avoid that at all costs.

He pulled himself away from the window and walked over. Rik was in the kitchen area. He had ordered in a bake mix of lebkuchen and he was just taking them out of the oven as Kay approached.

Rik put the tray down on the worktop saver and turned to look at him. As always, his gaze raked over Kay’s naked body. Kay looked away while he did this. At first, he hadn’t minded Rik’s rule about him being naked in his apartment. It had felt like a game, something erotic and exciting. But now, it just made him feel like he was nothing, and deserved nothing.

‘Come and try one of these,’ said Rik.

Kay took a step closer as Rik picked up one of the lebkuchen.

‘Open your mouth,’ he commanded.

Kay opened his mouth and Rik popped the lebkuchen in, his touch lingering on his lips. Kay chewed and swallowed, tasting nothing.

Rik grinned at him. ‘What do you think?’

‘Tasty,’ he said, putting feeling into his voice.

Rik grinned at him. ‘You know what else is tasty?’

‘What?’

Rik grabbed him by the hips and pushed him back to the wall. ‘You.’ Then he was on him, kissing him and rubbing against him. Kay felt his body respond but he kept his thoughts out of it. As Rik turned him into the wall and started to prepare him to be fucked, Kay separated his mind from his body completely. He was getting better at this now but he still needed practice. Sometimes, he still felt what Rik did to him.

Marc sat back on his parents’ sofa and a happy grin spread across his face. He was stuffed full after his mama’s delicious beef Rouladen served with red cabbage and potato dumplings. Of course, that had been followed up by her homemade stollen and lebkuchen. Everything had been amazing but he seriously couldn’t eat another thing.

Julia sat beside him on the sofa and leaned against him. ‘That was so good. Inge, you’re an amazing cook.’

His mama beamed. ‘Oh, thank you so much.’

Julia and his mama had been getting on so well since they’d arrived the day before. Within a couple of hours, his mama had told Julia to call her Inge. His father was a little more reserved but Marc could tell he liked her too. Well, there wasn’t anything about her not to like. She was great. Absolutely perfect for him.

So why did he still have that ache in his chest? Why did he still think of Kay?

He groaned and sat up. ‘I think I need to go and get some air.’

His mama frowned. ‘You’re not smoking, are you?’

He laughed and shook his head. ‘No, mama. I just need to walk that food off a little.’

‘Leave him alone, Inge,’ said his father, smiling. ‘He wouldn’t smoke.’

Marc smiled and headed out.

He waited until he was outside and alone before he allowed himself to think about Kay. He kept doing this. It was like a compulsion. When he was alone, he would think about Kay. He would remember what it felt like to touch him, to kiss him. Sometimes it was so real, he could feel Kay’s warmth against him. He could taste the saltiness of his skin, breathe in his rich, clean scent. It was like he was an addict, allowing himself to remember what it felt like to get him through going cold turkey.

He walked a little way away from the house and sat down on the bench in the front garden. He closed his eyes and felt a smile spread across his face.

_Kay’s eyes are bright as he looks at him, twinkling in the lamplight. They are in bed, exchanging soft kisses and touches. They had made love before and Kay still has that glow about him, like the happiness is so great it cannot be contained inside him._

_Marc kisses his mouth, soft and loving. He breathes in Kay’s scent and he cannot get enough. He cups his waist, rubbing his thumb tenderly over his hip. Kay squirms against him, enjoying the attention._

_They’ve been out to dinner together, a romantic place with real tablecloths and candles. Kay beamed through the whole thing and Marc knows he is giving him exactly what he wants._

_He nuzzles into his neck, kissing him and smiling as Kay lets out a soft moan as Marc’s hot breath tickles him._

_‘I love you,’ Marc whispers._

_Kay sighs contentedly, his arms sliding around Marc’s waist and tugging him close. ‘I love you too.’_

Marc opened his eyes and stared blankly into the darkness. His chest ached and he swallowed down a lump in his throat. That moment had never happened.

It should have done.


	30. Chapter 30

_Marc’s blue eyes darken as he gazes at him. Kay cannot keep the smile from his face; he loves the way Marc looks at him, like he cannot get enough._

_They’re lying together, not even clothing separating them. Marc trails his fingers down his chest, encircling his nipples with a cheeky grin._

_‘So how sore are you?’_

_Kay grins. ‘Just nicely. I can take more.’_

_Marc laughs. ‘You can always take more.’ He leans in and kisses him, softly and tenderly. He slips his arm around Kay’s waist and pulls his body against him. The warmth of Marc’s skin makes Kay feels warm inside._

_He closes his eyes as Marc kisses him. Marc loves to kiss him. He loves to touch him and kiss him and hold him._

_And there is nothing Kay wants more than to just be with Marc; to be touched and kissed and held by him. That is all he wants._

Kay was woken by a soft nuzzling kiss to his neck. It could have been Marc, but it wasn’t. The scent was all wrong. He opened his eyes, to bring himself properly out of the dream. He didn’t want Marc to be in this moment.

Rik pulled back to grin at him. ‘I do love waking up with my beautiful boy naked in my bed.’

‘Well, don’t get used to me being here every morning,’ said Kay, deliberately lightly. ‘I’m thinking about going back to work on Monday.’

Rik looked at him in concern. ‘Are you sure you’re ready, mein Engel?’

Kay looked away. The last time he’d tried to go out to work, he’d had a panic attack. It had been a couple of weeks since _that night_ and Rik had been nothing but sweet and attentive to him but Kay constantly felt on the edge. He knew he had to take this carefully. He didn’t want Rik to think he was arguing with him but he wanted to get back to work. He _needed_ to get back to work, get back to his life a bit. Maybe then he would feel more like himself.

Rik stroked his cheek. ‘There’s no rush. Remember last time.’

‘I remember,’ said Kay, somewhat testily.

Rik grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head. ‘Watch your tone,’ he said in that silky smooth, threatening voice.

Kay lowered his gaze. ‘Yes, Sir.’

His belly squirmed and he felt that now-familiar panic rising in his chest and the increase of his heartrate.

Rik kissed him softly on the mouth and smiled before he let him go. He rolled off Kay and took his hand as he lay beside him. He raised his hand to his mouth and kissed it.

‘You don’t have to go back at all, you know. I can look after you.’

‘I’d rather be independent.’

‘Aww, my sweet angel. You know not every guy is like your ex, you know.’

‘I know,’ said Kay, controlling his tone even though he hated Rik to talk about Marc.

‘Unlike him, all I want to do is look after you and be with you always.’

He tugged Kay to him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. Kay forced himself to relax into the possessive grip. Once, he would have done anything to hear someone say those things to him but now he just felt sad.

Early Monday morning, Kay got up before Rik to shower and get ready for work. Part of him wanted to go for a run but he wasn’t sure how Rik would react to it. He liked to know exactly where Kay was all the time.

He got out of Rik’s luxurious shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He debated whether to eat first or get dressed, then decided to eat. Then he could put off waking Rik until later.

He left the bathroom and went through to the kitchen. He was just sitting down with his croissant when Rik came through from the bedroom.

He leaned down and kissed Kay on the top of his head. ‘Sure you won’t reconsider?’

‘I miss work. You know I enjoy it.’

‘Mmm.’ He reached around and trailed his hand across Kay’s bare chest. ‘And I suppose it does keep you fit.’ He chuckled. ‘You’ll need to up your exercise if you keep eating like that,’ he said, gesturing to the buttery croissant.

Kay sat back in his seat, all enthusiasm for his breakfast gone. He picked at a few bits of it, just to eat something.

Rik sat down opposite him and watched him. ‘If you have a panic attack, just come home.’

‘I will.’

‘It’d be perfectly normal if you did, mein Engel. It’s a frightening world out there.’

Kay looked down at the table. ‘I know.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Can I have my clothes now?’

Rik gave him the same grin he always used when Kay had to show him his position. Kay knew it was a smile which showed his enjoyment in Kay’s humiliation.

‘You can.’ He stood and held his hand out. ‘Give me the towel.’

Kay did as he was told. Rik took the towel and went off to the bedroom to fetch his clothes from his locked wardrobe.

To distract himself, Kay put the remains of his croissant in the bin and went to clean his teeth. He had to do this. He had to go to work and remember who he was. He wasn’t the person who stayed at home waiting for his boyfriend to come and tell him what to do. He _wasn’t_ that person.

Or rather, he didn’t want to be.

Kay’s car was parked in the garage. Feeling confident in his comfortable work uniform of jogging pants and a logoed polo shirt, Kay got in and set off. He could do this. It was just work. It was what he was trained for, what he enjoyed doing.

The drive was a fairly short one and he was grateful for that. It gave him no time to think himself out of this. He reached the gym and pulled into his old usual space. He was still fine. He checked his pulse. Yeah, he was absolutely fine.

He got out of the car and went to the boot to take out his gym bag. He slung the hold all over his shoulder, shut the door, locked his car and turned towards the entrance.

There was a guy just going inside, a tall, slender man with dark skin and tight leggings, clinging to his tight ass. He glanced at Kay and smiled, showing off his dimples. Kay recognised the usual appraising glance up and down and he smiled back.

His heart thudded hard in his chest. _What if Rik saw that? Rik sees everything._

He turned away, heading straight back for his car. He scrambled to get in and he could feel the guy watching him.

Finally, he got the door open but the man was coming over.

‘Hey, you all right?’ he asked.

‘Fine,’ Kay squeaked, then threw himself into his car with a bump and pulled the door shut. He locked it immediately.

His chest felt tight and he was struggling to take a breath. His pulse was racing and his forehead was damp with sweat. _You’re fine_ , he told himself, _just a panic attack._

He wanted to drive out of there but he couldn’t see. He felt dizzy and weak. He scrabbled for his phone and called Rik.

‘What is it, mein Engel?’

‘I need you to come and get me. I can’t … I can’t do this.’

‘Don’t worry. I’ll be right there. Just stay put.’ He hung up. Kay clutched his steering wheel and stared straight ahead, just ignoring the man until he gave him and carried on into the gym. Rik was coming. Rik would make sure he was all right.

Rik got a taxi to him and arrived in less than twenty minutes. Kay unlocked the door to let him in, shifting wordlessly over to the passenger seat.

‘I knew you weren’t ready for this,’ said Rik, as he started the car. ‘Come on, I’ll take you home. You can have a chill-out day, watch movies and nap.’

Kay nodded. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I should have listened to you.’

Rik reached out and patted his leg. ‘Never mind. You did the right thing in the end.’ He smiled. ‘Tell you what, let’s swing by that doughnut place on the way home, get you your favourite.’

‘But I haven’t done any exercise.’

‘Don’t worry. I’ll make you do some star jumps this afternoon.’ He squeezed his knee. ‘You don’t have to worry about anything, mein Engel. You just do what I tell you and everything will be all right.’

Kay closed his eyes and rested his head against the seat. Yeah, that was all he had to do. Just do what Rik said and everything would be all right.


	31. Chapter 31

Monday morning, the first Monday of a new term and back to his ordinary life. Marc was at work early that morning, so he could have a run around the track and a shower before the morning staff briefing.

There was never much which concerned him in the morning staff briefing and he allowed his thoughts to wander a little. He was thinking about what his mama had said to him at Christmas.

_‘Marc, your father and I really do think it’s time you settled down.’_

_‘I know. You keep saying, mama,’ he says, trying not to sound testy._

_She smiles gently and places her hand on his arm. ‘No pressure but we think you should have this. For when the time comes.’ She presses a small box into his hand and gives him a wide smile. ‘Julia is a wonderful girl.’_

_Marc looks at the box and opens it. His Oma’s sapphire and diamond white gold engagement ring twinkles back at him._

He couldn’t stop thinking about it, wondering what to do. He liked Julia. It would be so easy to just marry her. She was kind, she was fun. She was clever and interesting to talk with and she made him laugh. He enjoyed being around her, felt natural with her. The sex was good, not the same electrifying excitement that he’d had with Kay but maybe that was just a lust thing. Maybe with real love, you didn’t have that.

He’d come to love her eventually, wouldn’t he? There was no reason for him not to love her, whereas there had been plenty with Kay. He would fall in love with her eventually and, in the meantime … well, fake it until you make it, right?

He sighed. It was so simple in his head but, so far, he hadn’t been able to do it.

‘Marc, you can do that right?’

Marc blinked at the deputy head. ‘Oh, erm …’

‘I just think an interschool sports competition would give the students something to aim for, and it’ll help us fulfil this government health initiative, won’t it?’

‘Yes, of course,’ said Marc, feeling his cheeks getting hot. ‘Count me in, yeah.’

‘Excellent,’ said the deputy head, looking at his watch. ‘Right, I think that’ll do for today. I think we’ve just about got time for one more coffee before we start the day.’

Marc slipped out, heading over to the sports block. He started setting up for his first lesson and, as it always seemed to, his mind slipped to Kay.

The image of him in his head was so easy to call up. That beautiful, smiling face, those dimples, that cheeky twinkle in those bright blue eyes. It was so easy to see him, to give himself those tingling feelings in his body.

_How do you expect yourself to love Julia if you don’t stop thinking about him?_

He pushed that annoying voice in his head away. He didn’t want to listen to it. He wanted to be able to see Kay whenever he wanted and, in his head, he could. The Kay in his head was just happy to be looked at. That Kay didn’t need to be loved. That Kay was happy to just carry on as they were, fucking and experimenting with kinky sex whenever they wanted to. That Kay didn’t need anything that Marc wasn’t happy to give.

The door to the sports hall opened and Samuel, one of his senior boys edged into the room. He was biting his lip.

‘Herr Borgmann, could I talk to you?’

‘Sure, Sam,’ Marc said. He stopped laying out mats and leaned against the wall. Sam was one of his best students, a natural athlete. He wasn’t a tall boy, and he was slender but he had naturally strong legs and was an excellent runner. ‘What’s up?’

Sam looked away, scratching the back of his head and chewing his lip.

‘Is something wrong?’ asked Marc.

Sam looked back at him. ‘I … I’m … the thing is, Sir.’ He took a deep breath, then the next words came out in a jumble. ‘I’ve realised I’m gay and I don’t know what to do. My father … I don’t know how I could even tell them.’

Marc stared at him and he remembered what Kay had told him about when his parents had found out. He hadn’t needed to be told. He’d already known it was dangerous to be gay.

Sam looked at him. ‘I trust you, Sir. What can I do?’

Marc considered for a moment, then chose his words carefully. ‘I think, it is important to be yourself but … it’s just as important to keep yourself safe. Would it be dangerous to tell your parents or would they just be a bit surprised?’

Sam rubbed at his lip where he’d made a sore spot. ‘I don’t know.’

‘I think if they would react badly, you’d better keep it yourself. But …’ He smiled. ‘When you leave home, you can be who you are and you’ll never have to hide it again.’

A smile spread across Sam’s face. ‘I can, can’t I! I can go away and find other people like me.’

Marc smiled back. ‘If you can be who you are, you’ll be happy in life.’ _I envy you, kid._

‘That’s all I want.’ He grinned. ‘And a hot boyfriend, of course.’

Marc smiled back. ‘There’s plenty of time for that. Get your qualifications first.’

‘I will.’ He hesitated. ‘Herr Borgmann, you don’t … think less of me now, do you?’

Marc shook his head. ‘No, Sam. In fact, I’ve found out how brave you are.’

Sam’s cheeks darkened with pleasure. ‘It’s still scary but I guess … I’ve got to be brave because if I don’t, the only alternative is being unhappy for the rest of my life.’

‘I guess so.’

‘Well, it’s my life, Sir, and I won’t do that.’ He turned and opened the door. ‘Thanks,’ he said, before slipping out and going off to his first lesson.

Marc stood up again and carried on lying the gym mats out. It was easier for young men and women now. The world was changing. It just wasn’t doing it quick enough for him to be properly happy.

But he could be happy enough. With Julia. That would have to do.


	32. Chapter 32

It was Valentine’s Day and Marc had big plans. He’d booked a table at the most romantic restaurant he knew. He’d ordered a bunch of red roses to be delivered to Julia just as she got home from work and he’d hired a limousine to pick her up in. Tonight was the night. He was going to do it. He was going to ask her to marry him.

Planning this had taken his mind off other things he didn’t want to think about. He’d barely even thought about Kay since Christmas. He was doing well.

For the date, he dressed in one of his best suits. It was black and he wore it with a red shirt and tie. When he’d looked in the mirror before leaving the house, he thought he looked quite dapper. He’d told her to dress up for somewhere special and he had faith she would wear something stunning.

When he arrived at her door with a single red rose and rang her bell, he was nervous. His heart was pounding and his throat felt dry. He wanted this to go well. He _needed_ this to go well.

She opened the door, looking absolutely gorgeous in a slinky red dress and she immediately exclaimed as he handed her the rose.

‘Happy Valentine’s Day,’ he said.

She beamed. ‘Oh, Marc! But you already sent me flowers this afternoon.’

‘It’s a special occasion. Are you ready to go?’

‘Let me just grab my handbag.’ She reached back into her house, got her handbag and her cashmere wrap and stepped out of the house.

‘You look fantastic, by the way.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, blushing a little. ‘So do you. Very handsome.’

He took her hand. ‘Come on, the car is waiting.’

She gasped when she saw it. ‘Oh, Marc, how exciting!’

She was excitable all the way to the restaurant and he did his best to hide his nerves. He was making her happy and that was important. She would say yes, they would get married and he would dedicate his life to making sure she was happy. Julia would be happy, his parents would be happy. Everybody would be happy.

_Except you._

Marc ignored the thought. He would be happy, he would. It was so simple. He just had to do what was expected of him and everything would be all right. Millions of people led this sort of life and they were happy. He wasn’t any different from any of them. Why should his life be more complicated?

Julia was agog at the restaurant. It was much fancier than any they’d been to before and he’d had to spend some time with Google to find it. He was playing the part of the perfect boyfriend and he noticed people looking at them with smiles. No judgement. He could all too easily picture the looks he would get if he sat there with Kay.

_No, no, don’t think about him. This is about you and Julia._

He waited until dessert was over and they were having a coffee. Then he took a deep breath and dropped to his knees at the same moment as he brought the ring out of his pocket.

‘Julia, will you marry me?’

‘Get on your knees,’ Rik murmured, that soft, commanding voice that Kay could no longer disobey.

He dropped to his knees beside the table. They were in Rik’s apartment. Rik wore one of his gorgeous suits and Kay was naked, as usual. The lights were low and there were candles and a meal on the table. Rik had ordered in for them. It wasn’t what Kay would have chosen but it smelled good and he was hungry. So hungry. He hadn’t been allowed to eat yet today. There was also a velvet pouch laid on the table but Kay didn’t know what was in it.

Rik sat at the table and reached out to stroke Kay’s head. ‘Smells good, doesn’t it, mein Engel?’

‘Yes, Sir.’

Rik petted him for moment, then turned his attention to the meal. He ate a few mouthfuls, chewing slowly as Kay watched.

‘What are you going to do to earn your meal, mein Engel?’

‘Whatever you tell me to do, Sir,’ Kay said. It was the desired response. He always gave the desired response now. He was here to fulfil Rik’s desires.

Rik bestowed a smile upon him and Kay’s fluttering belly calmed a little. It seemed that Rik was in a good mood.

He put down his fork and reached for the velvet pouch. ‘You don’t have to do much today, mein Engel, just accept the present I’ve got for you.’

Kay raised his head curiously but knew better than to ask what without being directed to.

Rik smiled and handed the pouch to Kay. Something inside tinkled softly. Kay held onto it, waiting for instructions.

Rik laughed. ‘You can open it, men Engel.’

Kay undid the knot and opened the drawstring. He reached in and his fingers touched something delicate and metal. A necklace, maybe?

He brought it out. It was a delicate silver chain, short for a necklace, with a pendant in the shape of a heart, just an outline. He glanced up at Rik and had to ask.

‘What is it?’

Rik laughed and touched his cheek tenderly. ‘It’s a collar, mein Engel. I want you to be mine.’

A sort of horrified disgust rose in Kay’s belly but he pushed it down. He couldn’t show that. It wasn’t safe to.

Rik cupped his cheek. ‘You’ll accept it, won’t you, mein Engel?’

‘Of course, Sir.’

Rik beamed at him, taking the collar off him and fastening it around Kay’s neck. It wasn’t tight enough to hurt but snug enough that he could feel it every moment. How was he going to get used to that?

‘What does it feel like?’ Rik asked.

‘It feels good, Sir,’ said Kay, immediately. ‘I like that anyone can see I’m yours.’

Clearly that was the right answer because Rik petted his hair again before releasing him. ‘You can sit at the table and eat your food now,’ he said, picking up his fork and starting to eat.

Gratefully, Kay took his own seat and started to it, the food satisfying that now-familiar gnawing feeling in his belly. But it couldn’t get rid of that feeling of disgust and self-loathing which pulsed through him.

That night, Marc lay in bed next to Julia. She was asleep beside him, a happy smile on her face even in her sleep, and his Oma’s engagement ring on her finger. Now her engagement ring.

It felt surreal. He was pleased, of course, but it wasn’t the earth-shattering happiness he had expected. Julia was thrilled, of course, and he knew she was both surprised and delighted by her Valentine’s gift. All Marc’s plans for the night had worked out perfectly and he was looking forward to telling his parents the good news.

But part of his mind was elsewhere. He was wondering what Kay was doing this Valentine’s Day.


	33. Chapter 33

_Kay grins at him, his eyes sparkling. ‘You call these handcuffs? If I tug too much I’ll break them.’_

_Marc grins back at him. ‘You’d love that. It’d make you feel manly. And you know you kind of sprung this on me.’ Marc leans into him, lying on top of him and kissing him. Kay pushes eagerly up into him, wrapping his legs around him and pulling him tighter against him. He’s insisting on what he wants with his body._

_Marc breaks the kiss to grin against his mouth. ‘Not even bondage can keep you still.’_

_‘I’m just excitable,’ says Kay, with a soft laugh which warms Marc’s insides._

_The feeling of Kay against him, naked and eagerly at his mercy, makes Marc feel more than warmth in his belly. It makes him feel things he’s never felt before, things he can’t imagine living without now._

_But the fear is still there. Nothing can take that away. It is what leads him to keep him and Kay safe in their little secret world. Here, in the privacy of one of their flats, they can be truly, completely themselves._

_Marc rolls off Kay, so he can lie beside him and caress his body, make him murmur and cry out, make him beg for more. He wants to make those beautiful eyes light up. He wants to make him happy._

_But he doesn’t know which is stronger. The desire? Or the fear?_

Marc woke with a sick lurch in his stomach. His chest ached with sadness and a desperate need that he couldn’t put into words. He was alone in bed. Julia had gone home that afternoon, after spending several days together, doing couple things. They’d gone to see his parents, and her family, to tell them about their engagement. Everybody was thrilled, of course, and Marc felt like he was watching the celebrations from behind sound-proof glass, yelling uselessly.

He got up, fully aware of the hard-on in his pants. It was just sex. That was what he missed. He pushed the aching in his chest out of his consciousness. He didn’t want to feel that, didn’t want to pay attention to it. It was just the sex he missed, that was all.

He and Kay, that was all they’d done together. Fucking. New, fascinating, exciting sex, but that was all it was. That was what he was missing.

He pulled a hoodie on and went outside onto his balcony. He leaned against the railing and took a deep breath of cool, fresh air. It wasn’t as cold as it had been a couple of weeks ago. Spring was coming. It was nearly a year since … since that last argument. Would he ever be able to forget it?

_Kay leans against him and sighs contentedly. ‘Isn’t it a beautiful night?’_

_Marc hesitates. Can anyone see them here? His flat is nearly at the top of the building and he doesn’t really know his neighbours. Maybe it’s all right. He puts his arm around Kay, allowing his hand to rest on his waist._

_He waits a moment, then slips his hand beneath Kay’s hoodie to feel the warmth of his skin._

_Kay sighs again and Marc watches him surreptitiously. Kay looks so completely happy. He so often has a little frown in between his brows but right now, his face is smooth and relaxed. His eyes are bright and a small smile plays at his lips._

_Is it really Marc which has made him look like that? Why does that make him feel so strange inside?_

_Marc wants to hold onto this moment forever, because he knows it cannot be forever. Secrets are hard to keep but this is one he cannot let out. Eventually, the pressure will break them._

_Marc knows this, though he doesn’t think Kay does. He doesn’t want it to be true, doesn’t want to hurt Kay but he knows he will, eventually. He knows this happiness cannot last. Because he’s not brave like Kay. He cannot stand up to the people he’d have to stand up to. He has a family, one he doesn’t want to lose. Kay doesn’t have that problem. Kay has nobody else. Kay doesn’t understand._

Guilt clenched Marc’s chest. He’d known Kay was alone when he’d ended things that way. He’d known what he was saying. He’d known he was pushing Kay out into the cold, completely alone.

He shook his head. But why should he feel guilty? Kay had someone now, didn’t he? Marc had seen him at that restaurant. He had a man now who would take care of him, who was clearly able to spend money on him, a man who was proud to be seen with him.

That was what Kay deserved, someone who was able to love him. Because of Marc, he’d found that. Marc had had his chance with Kay and he hadn’t taken it.

Missing him was pointless, and that wasn’t what was going on here anyway. He didn’t miss Kay. He missed the sex, that was all. That thrilling, boundary-pushing sex. That was what he wanted.

He went back inside. It was quite late but not too late for the clubs. He just needed to get it out of his system. As he got changed, he thought about it. Kay had taken him to some exciting places. Just being there was an experience, an exhilarating heat of sex and sensation. He didn’t even need to do anything. He could just watch. That wasn’t cheating on Julia. It was just like watching porn, that was all.

‘I just need to get it out of my system,’ he said to himself, as he finished getting dressed and started heading out of the door. He would just give himself a taste of that excitement again and then he wouldn’t think about Kay anymore. He’d be able to get on with his life.

_‘When you share a scene with someone,’ Kay says, philosophically. ‘You know them better than anyone in the world at that moment.’ He grins at Marc across the table. ‘When you’ve got someone tied up and at your mercy.’_

_He wiggles his eyebrows in the direction of the ‘play floor’ where a woman in a PVC catsuit, has a naked man tied to a St Andrews cross. Marc watches her as she trails her whip tantalisingly across his quivering body, before he looks back at Kay._

_Kay is smirking, in his element and showing off a little with his knowledge of The Scene. ‘When you’ve got someone completely submitting to you, you’ve got their trust in your hands. That’s a very special thing.’_

_‘Am I worthy of it, do you think?’ Marc asks, smiling a little. ‘Can you trust me?’_

_Kay’s smirk becomes a soft smile. ‘Of course. I trust you completely.’_

Marc violently pushed the memory out of his head. Kay had been wrong to trust him. Marc had taken his trust and broken it. He’d taken his heart and stamped on it. Kay had given him love and all he’d done was throw it back in his face.

The memory of what he’d said to Kay in that last argument still haunted him and he knew it always would. He could never take it back and it would always echo in his head. Probably in Kay’s too.

_‘You’re nothing but a fuck. That’s all you’ll ever be.’_


	34. Chapter 34

Rik was working late. He’d run Kay late in the afternoon to tell him and give him permission to order in. Of course, there had been no permission given to get dressed. Kay hadn’t expected it. He’d not been dressed in weeks, not since the last time he’d been out of the house, when he’d attempted to go to work for the last time. He was getting used to it, though he didn’t like the way it felt to be naked all the time, not when he had no choice about it.

The food arrived at six. Kay went to the door and looked through the peephole. ‘Just leave it at the door please,’ he said.

‘No problem,’ called the cheery delivery man. He put the food down and sauntered off.

Kay waited until he was gone then opened the door just enough to reach out and pick up the bag of food. He brought it in quickly and shut the door again.

It was good to order what _he_ wanted for a change. Not that he’d ever say that to Rik. He’d gone with Thai. A place he knew nearby did the best Thai green chicken curry he’d ever had. He and Marc had ordered from there a few times.

_No, stop thinking about him. It just hurts to think about him._

He dished his food up, then went back to the sofa, turned on a movie and pulled the throw over his lap. It felt better to be a little covered while he ate.

Afterwards, he sat back and watched the movie without really taking it in. His hand went to his collar. It still felt strange to be wearing it. He’d read about how people in the lifestyle felt about their collars. They liked them. Their collars made them feel safe and satisfied. His didn’t. His just made him feel sad and disgusted with himself. How had this become his life?

He curled up under the blanket and closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift off to sleep to the sound of the television.

‘Mein Engel, it’s time to wake up.’

Kay was woken by the familiar commanding voice. He opened his eyes and saw Rik standing above him, holding a carrier bag. He was smiling.

‘I’m glad you’ve had some sleep because we’re going out.’

Kay sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. ‘Out? What time is it?’

‘The time the clubs are opening. Kneel up over the back of the sofa.’

‘But … I don’t want to go out. I’m tired.’

‘Mein Engel, do as you're told,’ said Rik, his voice dropping to a warning tone.

Kay peered at the bag, trying to see what was in it. He saw leather. ‘What’s in there?’

Rik calmly put the bag down, then raised his hand. Kay saw the backhander coming a second before it hit his cheek hard. He swayed, fighting a wave of dizziness as the pain throbbed through him.

Rik looked at him expectantly. Kay took a breath, then turned and knelt up over the back of the sofa. He felt the dip as Rik put the bag on the sofa and he listened to the faint clink as he went through it.

The next moment, he felt cool slicked fingers probing gently at him. He closed his eyes and focused on holding himself together as Rik prepared him. One of Rik’s favourite things was to keep him guessing so Kay did his best not to guess. He knew he didn’t have any say here so what was the point in trying to work out what was going to happen. It was going to happen whether he wanted it to or not.

When he felt the firm pressure of the butt plug pushing inside him, he knew what was going to happen. Rik had threatened it often enough. He was going to take him out wearing it.

Rik leaned over him, stroking his back. ‘Say my name,’ he murmured.

Kay didn’t want to but what was the point in fighting it anymore? Rik had him, completely and he knew it. They both knew it.

‘Rik,’ he said.

‘Who do you belong to?’

‘You,’ said Kay immediately.

After the plug, he got him to stand up. Out of the bag, he brought out a pair of tight leather shorts and a leather harness.

Immediately, Kay’s mind took him back. He’d worn something similar before but not leather. He wasn’t a big fan of leather. He held back his smile at the memory of Marc’s reaction to the harness he’d worn to that club once. The excitement, the need and the desire Marc had had for him in that moment was something Kay would always remember. It was one of those moments which got him through life.

The harness Rik was now putting on him didn’t feel like that. It was tight and stiff. It went between his legs, framing his ass, then up over his shoulders and crisscrossed over his chest. It held him, tight and constricting.

Next was the leather shorts. They made him decent at least. In fact, when Rik gave him a leather jacket to put on as well, he looked almost normal. He zipped the jacket up and noticed the smile Rik gave him. It was a smile that said, ‘enjoy your dignity while you can’. Such as it was. He knew he didn’t have much left.

Then Rik brought something else out of the bag. It was a leather lead. Kay swallowed, standing completely still and keeping his face blank.

Rik smiled at him. ‘Now, are you going to be good and walk nicely by me with your head down? Or do I have to lead you through the streets on this?’

Kay lowered his head, trying to show how meek and obedient he was. ‘I’ll be good, Sir.’

Rik reached around and patted his leather-clad backside. The plug shifted inside him and Kay held back his wince. This stuff was supposed to be fun but Rik seemed to make all of it feel painful, like he was constantly being crushed under an invisible weight.

‘Good boy,’ said Rik. He put the lead in his pocket. ‘I’ll see if I need this later.’

The club was one Kay had been to before. With Marc. But this time, he had no say about what was going to happen. None of this was about his pleasure. It was all about what Rik wanted.

The club was busy and there were already displays going on. Kay didn’t want to watch but he didn’t want to look at Rik either. While Rik was watching the displays eagerly, Kay let his gaze wander over the other people watching. He probably knew some of them. They wouldn’t recognise him like this. He knew he wasn’t the same person anymore.

The first time his gaze swept over the man glancing at him, he didn’t even really look at him. But then his heart thudded and he turned his gaze back, in complete shock. The man wasn’t glancing at him; he was staring.

It was Marc. 


	35. Chapter 35

The first time Marc glanced at Kay, he didn’t recognise him. When he looked back, he still couldn’t quite believe it was really him. He looked so … different.

He was thinner for a start. Not more toned or anything, just thinner. He’d lost muscle mass and Marc could see his ribs. He was pale too, which made the bruise on his cheek stand out, although it was a new bruise. There were other bruises too, visible even in the strobe lights of the club. He was wearing a leather harness and tight leather shorts, which was odd because Kay didn’t particularly like leather. He was wearing a leather jacket too but it was open and did very little to cover him. The harness looked like it was cutting into Kay’s skin and he moved awkwardly like it was constricting him. He wouldn’t wear any of that stuff by his own choice.

But worse than all of that was the faded, almost blank look on his face. Marc had never seen him like that. It was … it made him feel nauseous. Kay was hurting, really hurting. Was it all about the breakup?

He was with a man, the same man, Marc was certain, that he’d seen him with in the restaurant, on his first date with Julia. So he really did have a boyfriend. The guy was handsome and had a slight smile on his face, but his hand was clasped tightly around Kay’s wrist and he roughly tugged Kay’s attention back to him. He hissed something to him and Kay lowered his head.

Marc’s blood boiled. What the hell was this guy doing to his … to Kay?

His first instinct was to storm over there and grab Kay off that guy. But he remembered some of his father’s stories about controlling relationships, and he remembered his own safeguarding training from his job. Storming in on situations like this often made things worse.

But he had to do something. He couldn’t let Kay just go off with this guy, with no idea if he was safe. What could he do?

He was still wondering when Kay leaned close to his boyfriend and asked him something. The boyfriend took his time deliberating, then nodded.

Kay moved away, awkwardly and carefully. As he passed Marc, he lifted his gaze to his for just a moment, then moved off towards the toilets.

Marc glanced at the boyfriend and saw he wasn’t paying attention before he slipped off after Kay.

There was no one else in the toilet. Kay had zipped up the jacket and was frowning and staring at the floor.

‘Hey,’ said Marc. ‘Are you all right? That guy –’

‘What the fuck do you care?’ Kay demanded, his gaze snapping up to Marc. ‘You’re happy with your girlfriend. You know, the one you can be seen with in public.’

Marc felt his jaw tense. ‘Who is that guy and what the fuck has he done to you. You look like shit.’

Kay looked away. ‘Thanks a lot,’ he said, glumly. He squirmed uncomfortably. ‘His names Rik. Rik Mader. Started as a one night stand and it just kinda … carried on.’

‘Well, he’s not worth it. Not if he makes you look like this.’

‘Same old Marc. Just great for my self-esteem. Just stop stalking me and leave me the hell alone to get on with my life.’

Marc frowned. ‘I’m not stalking you. I just happened to be here.’

‘Yeah, guys who are happy with their girlfriends always come to BDSM clubs to watch all the action.’

‘Kay, I don’t … I’m not … Look, Kay, I’m worried about you.’

‘Yeah, well I can handle myself.’ He pulled back. ‘Just leave me alone,’ he said, then headed out of the door.

His heart thudding, Kay went back to Rik. _Please let him agree._ He couldn’t stay here, not with Marc around.

Rik glanced round at him, frowning. ‘You took your time.’

Kay went to his side. ‘Can we go home now? Please?’

Rik’s frown deepened. ‘Why? We’ve only just got here. I wanted to show you off properly, on that stage.’

_No, not that, anything but that._

‘Please, don’t make me explain, just take me home. I’ll do anything.’

Rik considered for a moment, then took his hand, lifted it and kissed it. Then he held it tightly against his chest. ‘Give up your apartment.’

Kay nodded. ‘I will.’ He was hardly there anyway. What did it matter? ‘Just take me home and don’t make me tell you why. I’ll give notice on my apartment first thing in the morning.’

Rik smiled and nodded. ‘Good. Come on then.’ He tugged Kay by the wrist and they made their way back out of the club. As they passed the toilets, Marc emerged and Kay felt him looking at them. But Kay didn’t look back at him. He didn’t want Marc to ever look at him again, not like this. He was dressed up like Rik’s plaything. He _was_ Rik’s plaything and he was too deep in to change that now. The only thing he could do was make sure Marc wasn’t a witness to it.

When they got home, Rik undressed him, but left the harness on and the plug in. he grinned at Kay.

‘Since I was deprived of showing you off for long at the club, I think it’s only fair you keep these on until morning, don’t you?’

Kay lowered his eyes. ‘Yes, Sir.’

‘And don’t forget I did you a favour bringing you home.’

‘I know. I won’t forget it.’

In bed, Kay lay beside Rik, uncomfortable and unable to sleep. Shame burned in him at the way Marc had looked at him. He’d seen him at his lowest. He’d seen what he’d become.

But the last words Marc had said to him kept echoing in his mind.

_‘Kay, I’m worried about you.’_

It wasn’t just the fact that he was worried about him. He’d used his name. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had used his name.


	36. Chapter 36

Marc had been tossing and turning half the night. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Kay’s blank face. Even when he’d shouted at him in the toilets, there hadn’t been any fire in his eyes, the spirit Marc knew was the essence of Kay. It was like he was broken.

When the sun started to rise, Marc gave up on sleep. He got up and went for a cool shower, hoping it would make him feel more alert. He had to do something to help Kay. He couldn’t just let him live like that. If Kay was broken … He swallowed as he got out of the shower and looked at himself in the mirror.

If Kay was broken, he knew it wasn’t just this Rik’s fault. Marc had done his fair share of the damage. He had to fix what he’d broken.

He got dressed, then started making himself some breakfast as he thought about what to do. Kay had moved out of his flat after their breakup. And he’d moved jobs and changed his number. Marc knew he’d wanted a fresh start. So Marc now had no way of contacting him to make sure he was all right.

But he did have a name. Kay had told him that. Rik Mader. Maybe he could find something out that would help.

He sat on his sofa with his breakfast and pulled out his phone. A quick Google search told him that Mader was the CEO of a large accounting firm. The only information about where he lived was Berlin but that wasn’t going to stop Marc from finding out what he needed to find out.

He packed a backpack with some food, a bottle of water and a book and headed out. He was going to sit outside this Rik guy’s office until he spotted him, and followed him home. Of course, he didn’t know whether Kay was actually living with him or not but they most likely spent some time at Rik’s place. It was bound to be bigger than wherever Kay had chosen to rent.

Rik had climbed on top of Kay to wake him, not that Kay needed waking. He’d barely slept and had been wide awake for at least an hour before Rik stirred.

Rik was hard, and eager to have a leisurely fuck before he went off to work. Kay played his part well enough. He was used to doing this by now and he did get some physical pleasure out of it, though that was all. It wasn’t like being with Marc. Every encounter they’d had in those months together had fired his insides, taken his mind to the same wonderous, pleasurable places his body had been taken to.

Most of the time with Rik, his mind wasn’t even there.

Afterwards, Rik kissed him and trailed his fingers across the sore spots where the tight harness met Kay’s skin.

‘I could make you wear this to give notice on your flat, couldn’t I?’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay, obediently.

Rik laughed and kissed him. ‘But you’ve been pretty good so I won’t.’ He trailed his fingers across his lips. ‘Not this time, anyway.’ He laughed again, before he began to undo the harness.

Kay couldn’t help but let out a moan of relief as the pressure eased and the hated harness was gone.

‘Go and shower. I’ll order in some breakfast. You can drive me to work if you like. Make yourself useful.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay, then went to do as he was told.

He took as much time as he dared in the shower, making the most of the time to be alone, and to let the warm water soothe his aching body. He didn’t look in the mirror. He already knew he looked like shit.

The path to this life had been so easy, so seductive. He looked back and he could see exactly how it had happened. At first, he’d craved that blissful nothingness but now … he hated it. Because it wasn’t nothingness anymore. It was hated and self-disgust. He was starting to understand Marc a bit more. When you felt like that about yourself, you didn’t want anyone to know.

‘Mein Engel, you’d better hurry up if you want to eat,’ called Rik.

Kay rinsed off, dried himself quickly, then went through to the living area. There was a croissant for him and a cup of coffee.

Rik reached for him, grasped him by the wrist and tugged him close. He kissed him softly on the mouth. ‘A little reward for you, Mein Engel.’ He stroked his cheek. ‘Now that you’re with me properly, you don’t have to worry about anything. You just do exactly as you’re told and your life will be perfect. Won’t it?’

Kay put a smile on his face. ‘It will, Sir. Perfect.’

Rik kissed him again, more thoroughly this time, then pulled back and gave his ass a smack. ‘Sit down and eat, then you can get dressed and we’ll head off.’

Kay sat, noticing that some clothes had been put ready for him. Tight blue jeans, a white t-shirt, shoes and socks. No underwear. Kay wondered what had happened to his underwear. The stuff he’d brought over here he hadn’t seen since.

He’d promised to give up his apartment. Then he wouldn’t own any underwear. He wouldn’t own anything. Just that thought made him pull back in horror. He didn’t want to own nothing. He didn’t want to _be_ nothing.

The way Marc had looked at him flashed through his head. Not disgust. Just horror and worry.

Maybe … maybe he didn’t have to give up his apartment. Maybe he could just say he did, bring back a few things for Rik to confiscate. Then at least he’d still have something.

But … how would he pay for it? His heart sank as he realised the truth. He’d given up his job. He had money in the bank but he didn’t know where his bank card was. Rik said he didn’t need them, because he would pay for everything. But Rik only paid for what _he_ wanted Kay to have, which wasn’t much.

Kay was out of options. Only one remained. To do exactly what Rik told him and nothing else.


	37. Chapter 37

Marc had waited over an hour before the car pulled up. He didn’t recognise it, but it was just the sort of car a CEO would have and, sure enough, a moment after it pulled up, Rik got out, said something to the driver, then shut the door. Marc peered through the windscreen and was pretty sure it was Kay who was driving, though it wasn’t easy to see because of the glare on the glass.

The car waited until Rik had gone inside, then restarted and started to pull out again. Marc quickly turned on his engine and followed it. A part of his mind told him he was being ridiculous, that this sort of behaviour was called stalking, but that more sensible part was entirely overwritten by the memory of what Kay’s eyes had looked like. That blankness. Not to mention the bruises, the skinniness and paleness, and how uncomfortable he looked dressed up like that.

Kay pulled up outside a fairly ordinary block of flats and got out. He opened the boot and pulled out several black hold-alls and a plastic box. Marc got out and headed over.

‘Hey, you moving?’

Kay stopped and stared at Marc. For a moment, he looked incapable of speaking, but then he cleared his throat. ‘What are you doing here?’

Marc shrugged. ‘Was just passing and saw you. Thought I’d say hello.’

Kay frowned at him. ‘You don’t live or work anywhere near this part of Berlin. That’s why I chose this area.’

Marc pressed his lips tightly together to avoid reacting to that barb. Maybe it was time to level with Kay, be completely honest. Or at least as honest as he could bear to be. ‘Okay, I waited by your boyfriend’s office for you. Followed you from there.’

Was it his imagination or did Kay wince when Marc said the word ‘boyfriend’?

_Because he wants_ you _to be his boyfriend, idiot,_ his thoughts reminded him.

‘Still stalking me then,’ Kay spat.

Marc winced. Once that would have come out in a teasing tone. Now, all he could hear was the bitterness.

‘Look, forget about all that stuff with us. I treated you like shit, yeah, and you didn’t deserve it. But this … Kay, you’ve lost weight and you’ve got bruises.’

Kay looked away, his cheeks going faintly pink. ‘He’s just … more hardcore than you were. That’s all.’

‘Whatever he calls it, you don’t look like you’re enjoying it.’

Kay’s knee started to shake and he kept his gaze resolutely away from him. Marc took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. Thinking back to his Safeguarding training, he decided to take a different approach, reassuring Kay that he could be trusted.

‘Okay, whatever you tell me about this Rik guy, I’ll believe you. So everything’s good. That’s great. How about we just go for a coffee and have a catch-up?’

Kay blinked at him. ‘A catch-up? We’re not gal pals, you know. We’re not even friends. You never wanted to spend time with me. You just wanted a fuck.’ His voice broke. ‘Because that’s all I am, isn’t it? Just a fuck.’

Marc felt like he’d been slapped. Those words. The words he could never forget. It looked like Kay couldn’t forget them either.

‘Kay, I could never explain to you how much I regret saying that.’

Kay looked back at him for a moment, scrutinising him, then he looked away. ‘Yeah, whatever.’ He started to walk away.

Marc ran after him, grabbing his arm to stop him. Kay flinched, cowering as if he expected a blow. Marc let go, confused.

‘Kay, I wouldn’t hit you.’

Kay’s cheeks darkened. He pulled back rapidly. ‘I’ve got to go. Got to pack up my stuff.’ He hurried on towards the main door of the apartment block.

Marc kept pace with him. ‘Hey, I could help you pack up maybe. I really would like to go for a coffee or something. Maybe … get some closure or something. I don’t know. Things went so wrong somehow, didn’t they?’

They reached the door and Kay stopped. He leaned against it and looked so tired suddenly. ‘I can’t let you in,’ he whispered.

Marc looked into his face, frowning. ‘Why not, Kay?’

Kay glanced at him, then lowered his gaze. ‘Because he’ll know. He always knows and then … then he’ll be angry.’

‘What happens when he’s angry, Kay?’

Kay swallowed, staring blankly at the door he was resting his head against. He didn’t reply but the look on his face told Marc that Rik’s anger was not good.

Kay stood back up and dug in his pocket for his door key. ‘I have to go.’

Marc laid a gentle hand on his arm. ‘Wait a minute. Have you still got my number?’

Kay looked at him. ‘Yeah.’

‘Then call me, okay? If you ever need … anything. Call me. You’re not alone, Kay.’

Kay looked back at him for a moment, then opened the door and disappeared inside without saying anything.

‘I mean it,’ Marc called after him, with no idea whether Kay could hear him or not.

Marc watched the closed door for a long moment, feeling completely helpless. He couldn’t even call Kay because Kay had changed his number after they’d broken up. He’d tried a few times afterwards but he’d always got that disconnected number message.

He was heading back to his car when his phone rang. His heart jumping and hope rising in him, he scrabbled for his phone, but it wasn’t Kay. It was Julia.

He answered the phone. ‘Hey.’

She was at work and he could hear the usual noise of the busy bookshop in the background. ‘Hi, I’ve got a long lunch today. I thought we could meet up, have lunch together.’ She paused and he could hear her smile. ‘Maybe we could have a look at some weddings rings.’

He rolled his eyes. Ever since Valentine’s Day, weddings were all she talked about. But whatever she wanted, he was happy to get her. That was his job. ‘Sure,’ he said, putting on his cheery voice. He would have to worry about Kay later. ‘I’ll meet you at the shop. What time?’

‘Half one. Ooh, I can’t wait!’ she squealed. ‘I’ve got to go. It’s really busy here today. See you later.’

‘See you.’

He put his phone away and unlocked his car. He glanced up at the apartment block, wondering if Kay was watching him. Just in case, he put a hand up and gave a friendly wave before he got back in his car. Just because he was worried about Kay, it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to stay with Julia. Maybe he and Kay could be … friends. Yeah, just friends. Everybody needs friends. He could make sure Kay knew he wasn’t alone, that he didn’t have to do things that made him unhappy. Friends cared about each other and helped each other out. That was all it was.

He took one last look at Kay’s block, then drove off, his mind still full of Kay.


	38. Chapter 38

Kay’s hands were shaking. Alone in his apartment, he should have felt safe and calm but he wasn’t. It wasn’t seeing Marc. Well, it was but it wasn’t just that.

The thing which terrified him and made his hands shake was the possibility that Rik might have seen them talking. He still didn’t know how he’d known about Klaus.

Slowly, trying not to think about anything else, Kay packed up his few possessions. He’d always been a travel light kind of person. Enough clothes for a week, a few books, a folder of important documents, and a slimline laptop he mostly used for watching movies. He always rented furnished flats, so he didn’t need much else. There were his toys, of course, but Rik already had most of them at his place.

Kay always hated the idea of being trapped, unable to just take off when he felt like it. That was what he’d done when it had all gone wrong with Marc. It was ironic that he couldn’t do that now, when he’d never needed to more.

But Rik would know. Rik always knew. Kay couldn’t go against him. He hated himself for it and he knew he was pathetic but he couldn’t do anything about it. He was trapped and the thought of going against what Rik wanted from him, made him quiver with fear.

With his clothes shoved in his hold-alls and the rest of his meagre possessions in the plastic box, Kay took one last look around his apartment, then let himself out and posted the keys back through the door. He’d already called the landlord and told him he was moving out as he’d driven over.

That was it. He didn’t live there anymore.

Rik had told him to ring him when he’d finished so Kay got down to the car, loaded the boot then called.

‘Hello, mein Engel. Did you get all your stuff?’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay, as he got back in the car. ‘I called the landlord already and posted the keys through the door.’

‘Oh, you’ve been quick. Don’t you need me to check the place over for you? Make sure you haven’t forgotten anything?’

‘I haven’t got much to forget. It’s okay, the landlord said he’ll be in there this afternoon to check everything over so if I have forgotten anything he’ll let me know. Are you done in the office? Did you want me to pick you up?’

Rik hesitated, which was unusual. Rik normally knew exactly what he wanted to say.

‘No, mein Engel. You go home and relax. I’ll make my own way home.’

‘I was thinking maybe I should go talk to Stefan, try and explain why I had to resign.’

‘No,’ said Rik, sharply. ‘You go home now. I’ll check on the cameras in twenty minutes. If you’re not home, you’re going to be in serious trouble.’

Kay’s heart pounded at Rik’s sudden sharp tone. ‘Yes, Sir. I’m leaving now.’

‘Good. I’ll be home in a couple of hours.’ He paused. ‘You can have some lunch. There’s something in the fridge for you.’

‘Thank you, Sir.’ They said goodbye and Kay clicked his phone into the handsfree cradle, in case Rik called him. He did not like it if Kay missed his calls.

He took one last look at the block and suddenly the word cameras flashed in his head. Had Rik put cameras in his flat too? Surely he hadn’t. No, he wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t.

Pushing the thought out of his head, he started the car and drove home. He had less than twenty minutes to get home.

Kay let himself into Rik’s apartment fifteen minutes later. He glanced at the camera in the hall, knowing that Rik was probably watching and waiting. He put his stuff down, not quite sure where to put it, then took his clothes off and laid them over the chair before he went to the fridge to get his lunch.

There was a small portion of chicken salad inside, no dressing. He took it out, then poured himself a glass of water and sat at the table to eat. When he’d finished he was still hungry, so he got himself another glass of water and sat on the sofa to watch some television. Rik hadn’t told him what he was supposed to do but he knew that watching something was allowed. He could read too but his brain didn’t feel awake enough to do that. In fact, he felt really tired.

He lay down and pulled the throw over himself, letting himself drift towards sleep. Briefly, he wondered what Marc was doing. Had he really meant it when he said he cared about him? That he wasn’t alone?

But it wasn’t possible. Marc couldn’t do anything to help. Kay _was_ alone.

Pain woke Kay. He let out a cry as he opened his eyes and saw a glimpse of Rik’s furious face. In a second, he located the pain to his head and realised Rik had grabbed him by the hair.

The next moment, he was being yanked to his feet. ‘You stupid, disobedient little slut,’ Rik spat, then punched him hard in the stomach.

Kay opened his mouth to ask what he’d done but Rik slapped him hard on the mouth and dragged him from the living room and into the bedroom. Kay wanted to fight back, free himself, stop the pain, but he knew fighting would make it worse. He had to take this, whatever it was about.

Rik pinned his arm behind his back, even though he wasn’t fighting back. His grip was hard on his wrist and Kay cried out as his arm was twisted painfully. Rik punched him again, in the side this time and the breath was forced from Kay’s body. Winded, Kay struggled for breath and couldn’t defend himself from the hard push Rik gave him.

He stumbled and realised that Rik had pushed him into the bathroom. Rik grabbed his hair again, yanked him backwards and drove him into the shower. He kicked his ankle and Kay stumbled again. He bashed his head on the tile and went down.

The next moment, cold water hit his skin, hard and merciless from Rik’s power shower. Kay held up his hands to protect his face and felt sobs clench his body, the tears hidden by the water soaking him.

The water stopped and, blindly, Kay was pulled from the shower and bent over the bath, helpless and vulnerable. He knew what was coming. There was a pause and the undeniable rattle of metal as Rik undid his belt.

Kay squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block it all out. The first strike of the belt across the cold skin of his ass was impossible to ignore. The wetness and the coldness made it all the worse and he heard himself let out a scream of pain. More hits came, each one cutting into his skin and sending burning paths of pain across his cheeks. There was no fight in him. All he could do was lie there and take Rik’s anger, without any idea what it was about.

Finally, it stopped and Kay heard Rik calmly sliding the belt back through the loops of his trousers again.

‘I hope you enjoyed your salad,’ Rik said, his voice completely calm and even. ‘Because that’s all you’re getting until tomorrow.’

Then he turned, leaving Kay bent over the bath. A moment after the door shut, Kay heard the key turn in the lock and he knew he was shut in.

With effort, he pulled himself out of the bath. Weak and wobbly, he staggered to the towel heater and groped for a towel. There was just one, a hand towel.

He didn’t want to see what he looked like. He knew by the pain he would look a mess, and he didn’t have the energy to stagger to the mirror anyway. He just lay the towel on the floor and, gingerly sat down on it. He leaned against the wall and, every inch of his body throbbing, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off into the welcoming abyss of unconsciousness. Maybe he had concussion. Maybe he’d never wake up again. He had to have some luck in life, didn’t he?


	39. Chapter 39

Kay didn’t have any luck. He woke up, still alive. The pain was too much to even think about but he had a little more strength than when he had passed out. The skin on his head felt tight with what he knew was dried blood. With effort, he got up and staggered over to the mirror.

He winced as he looked at himself. There was a bloody mess of a wound on his head, a bruise on his mouth and on his stomach. He turned and winced as he saw the cuts and bruises across his ass. The belt marks were clear. It had been bad but... how bad? Did Rik know about Marc? He hadn’t said what he’d done to earn this beating. Kay would have to be careful what he said, not give himself away.

He felt so weak suddenly. He wanted to sit down on the chair but his ass felt too sore. When was Rik going to let him out of here?

Just as he thought that, he heard the door unlock. He straightened, trying to show Rik he was still strong.

Rik stepped inside the room and looked at him and Kay felt anything but strong. He felt faint and weak with pain and his belly jumped with fear.

Rik looked him up and down like he was something disgusting. ‘Get yourself cleaned up then get out here,’ he spat. ‘You have some making up to do.’

Then he was gone. Kay did as he was told. He wet a washcloth with warm water and gingerly dabbed at the blood on his head. Underneath it, he revealed a cut and a bruise. His wrist was sore too, though he could use it and he didn’t think it was swollen.

His ankle hurt too and he remembered Rik kicking it. His head throbbed and he wasn’t sure if it was the head injury or the yanking at his hair that Rik had done. He wiped the washcloth over his ass as well, cleaning the places where the belt had cut into his skin.

Clean again, he took a deep breath and limped out into the living room.

Rik was sitting on the sofa, waiting for him. His things had been put away and his phone, which he’d left on the coffee table, was gone. Kay tensed. Had Rik somehow found out about Marc? Had he taken his phone to prevent him from to prevent him calling him? Kay had had no intention of calling his ex but suddenly that was all he wanted to do. He might have lost his chance.

Rik glanced at him. ‘Come here. Kneel in front of me.’

Kay did as he was told, fear pounding through his body. He knelt in front of Rik and looked up at him, not knowing whether to expect a hit or a caress. He didn’t want either.

Rik reached out and cupped his jaw. ‘Do you know what you did?’

_Admit nothing_. ‘No, Sir,’ he said, evenly and softly.

Rik studied him for a moment, stroking his cheek tenderly with his thumb. ‘You were late home.’

‘But I … I thought I was on time.’

Rik narrowed his eyes. ‘Are you arguing with me?’

‘No, Sir. I’m sorry I was late.’ He _knew_ he wasn’t late. So what was going on?

‘Good.’ He let go of Kay’s jaw and his hands went to his belt.

Kay tense as Rik undid his belt. _Not more, please no more._ But then Rik was undoing his trousers and reaching inside.

He grinned at Kay. ‘Now you’re going to make it up to me. You’re in the perfect position.’

Kay pushed away everything else and just focused on what he had to do.

Later, Kay was allowed onto the sofa. He got up, with difficulty because his ankle was throbbing, and sat beside Rik. Rik pulled him in close, putting his arm around him and dropping a kiss into his hair, just like they were any normal couple.

Kay didn’t want to be here. He wanted to climb into bed, pull the blankets over him and let sleep take the thoughts away. But he wasn’t allowed. Rik wanted him there.

Rik ordered himself something in for dinner. Kay had to kneel by his chair and watch him eat. His stomach rumbled with hunger and he just wanted to grab one piece of that prawn toast. But it wasn’t worth it.

Rik acted just like normal, like _this_ was normal, like this was how every couple spent their Saturday nights. Kay supposed he should be grateful it wasn’t worse. Nothing Rik had done to him so far would be permanent. Just a beating, just a belting. No broken bones, no scars. It could be worse.

‘Right, time for bed,’ said Rik, finally.

Kay sat up from where he’d been leaning against him. ‘Can I have my phone back, please?’

Rik smiled. ‘Not yet. You can have it on Monday. Until then you’re not doing anything for your pleasure.’

Kay lowered his head. ‘Yes, Sir.’ This was definitely more than being late. Rik was taking pleasure in making him suffer as much as possible.

In the bedroom, Rik gave him a pillow and a blanket, and grinned. ‘You don’t get to sleep in the bed yet, Engel. It’s the floor for you until I forgive you.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ Kay said, his heart sinking. He sat down on the hard floor, wincing as his sore ass made contact with the floorboards. He lay down, grateful he at least had a pillow and pulled the blanket over him. He wasn’t comfortable but at least he could rest.

Rik got in the bed and smirked at him. ‘Comfortable?’

‘Not really, Sir.’

Rik laughed. ‘Good. You deserve to be uncomfortable. Be grateful for the pillow and blanket.’

‘I am, Sir. Thank you, Sir.’

Rik reached down and patted his head. ‘Good boy. If you’re good tonight, maybe I’ll let you have breakfast in the morning.’ 

Kay closed his eyes and tried to ignore the pain and focus on sleep. All he had to do was please Rik and then he would get his phone back. Then he could call Marc. He needed him, wanted him. He just didn’t know if he could, or would, help him.


	40. Chapter 40

The weekend had been difficult but finally, it was over. Monday morning, Rik got up at the usual time, gave him his phone and told him he could take a shower before breakfast. Kay resisted the urge to check his phone right away, instead focusing exactly on what Rik wanted him to do. He had to show Rik he was obedient and under his control.

Once he was clean, he dried himself off with the towel Rik had left on the heater for him and went through to the living room. Rik was sitting at the table, eating breakfast. There was a plate ready for Kay.

Kay didn’t take his seat. Instead, he went to Rik’s side and dropped to his knees. Rik shifted in his chair, turning towards him and Kay laid his head in his lap and nuzzled against him.

‘Thank you for forgiving me,’ Kay murmured. ‘I’m sorry I was disobedient.’

Rik stroked his head, petting him tenderly. ‘You’ll know better next time, won’t you?’

‘Yes, Sir. I will.’

Rik patted his head. ‘You can get up and have your breakfast.’

Kay did as he was told. He ate for a moment, then looked across at Rik again. ‘I’d like to … may I go for a run this morning, please?’

Rik looked at him with a small smile, then back down at his plate. ‘Maybe tomorrow. If you’re good.’

Kay opened his mouth, then closed it again. Arguing would not help here. He had to play it cool.

‘Thank you, Sir. What would you like me to do today?’

Rik smiled. ‘Sounds like that punishment did my rebellious boy some good.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘You can read if you like or watch movies. I’ll send you something for lunch but I want you to do a workout before you eat.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ Kay said, keeping his voice sweet and mild. He knew Rik was testing him. He was determined to pass the test.

When Rik left him alone, Kay went to the bedroom to get his phone and a book. He wasn’t trying to hide his phone but didn’t want Rik to guess he was talking to somebody. He put some music on, to cover the sound of him talking, then sat on the sofa, pulled the throw over himself and pulled his knees up. He opened the book on his lap and lay the phone on top of it.

He took a deep breath, then dialled the number. As he waited for Marc to answer, he realised he was probably in class. This was stupid. Marc couldn’t help him. Marc probably didn’t even want to have anything to do with him. He’d told him as much. He’d told him exactly what Kay was to him. At least he was more than that to Rik. At least Rik wanted to be seen with him, took him out, cared what he did with his life.

Maybe Marc felt bad for him, pitied him. Kay didn’t want to be pitied. He just wanted … he didn’t know what he wanted.

Yes, he did. He wanted to be loved.

Marc hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Kay all weekend. He’d gone back to Rik’s office again, to see if he could find out where he lived. He went back to Kay’s old apartment, to check if he had finished moving yet. He’d even tried ringing Kay’s old number, just in case he’d had it reconnected. But he’d just heard that disconnection message again.

Monday morning, he had his senior class for football. Sam had twisted his ankle so wasn’t up to running but he’d begged Marc to let him do _something_ so Marc had let him be the referee. It had led to an easy lesson for Marc, just watching and supervising.

His thoughts kept switching between his teaching and Kay. What was happening to him? What was that guy doing to him? Marc could tell it wasn’t just hardcore sex, not with that look in Kay’s eyes.

Julia had got frustrated with him Saturday night because he was supposed to be spending time with her but kept drifting off into his own thoughts. He really had to sort that out. But he just couldn’t stop thinking about worrying about Kay.

He suddenly realised his phone was vibrating in his pocket. Keeping his eye on the game, he took out his phone and looked at the screen. Not a number he had on his phone.

He answered it immediately, his heart pounding. ‘Kay?’

‘Yeah, hi,’ said Kay, in a voice barely above a whisper. There was music playing in the background.

‘Hey, you all right? I’ve been worrying about you.’

‘I’m fine. I’d like to … meet up.’

‘Sure, how about we meet up for a coffee. I’m free at four.’

Kay hesitated. Marc could hear him breathing.

‘I … er … can’t get out today.’

‘Okay, what about tomorrow.’

‘He might … I mean I might be able to.’

Marc thought for a moment. ‘You mean he won’t let you out.’

Kay didn’t reply, so Marc figured he was right.

‘Okay, here’s what we’ll do. I’m going to be in the woods every morning this week. The place where we …’ He paused, remembering that there was a load of kids near him, even though he was pretty sure they were too focused on their game to pay attention to what he was saying. He cleared his throat. ‘The place where you like to stop.’

Kay let out a soft chuckle which made Marc feel warm inside. ‘Yeah, I know where you mean.’

‘Great. I’ll be there every morning at six. Meet me there when you can.’

Kay took a deep breath. ‘I will.’ He paused. ‘Marc … thanks.’

‘I meant what I said, Kay. You’re not alone.’

Kay didn’t reply but Marc heard the tiny shiver in his breath before he hung up.

Marc looked at his phone screen for a long moment after Kay hung up on him, then he took a deep breath and put it back in his pocket.

He felt a gaze on him and glanced up to find Sam watching him, with a slight smile.

‘Boyfriend, Sir?’

Marc straightened and cleared his throat. ‘No. I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend. Fiancée actually.’

‘Oh,’ said Sam, frowning. Then he shrugged. ‘I was wrong then.’

‘Sam, you shouldn’t be guessing about the private lives of your teachers.’

Sam shrugged again. ‘Okay. Guess I need to work on my gaydar.’

Marc shook his head, focusing his gaze on the football game. He felt his cheeks get hot and he did his best to ignore it. Was he really that obvious?


	41. Chapter 41

Rik was due home. Kay knew he had to make sure he was in a good mood. He put the coffee machine on, then put his things away, straightened the throw on the sofa, then went to kneel in front of the door. He arranged himself just as Rik liked, kneeling back on his heels with his hands resting on his thighs and his head bowed.

He didn’t have to wait long. Rik was on time. He heard the key in the lock and made sure not to tense.

‘Ah, there’s my good boy,’ said Rik as he stepped inside. He shut the door behind him and came up to Kay. He stroked his hair, then cupped his jaw firmly and brought him close. Kay kissed his crotch.

‘Good boy.’ He stroked his hair again. The touch was tender but Kay couldn’t help remembering how tightly Rik had grabbed him by the hair and yanked him round. How had he ended up here?

‘It’s been a stressful day,’ said Rik. ‘I could use some stress relief.’

‘What can I do to help, Sir?’

Rik smiled. ‘I want to fuck you. Go and get ready. I’m going to have my coffee, then I’ll come through.’

‘Yes, Sir,’ said Kay.

He got up and headed through to the bedroom. He had to show how good he was, that he could be trusted, that he wasn’t fighting anymore. He knew that was the way he could get what he wanted. He had to meet Marc.

Rik was surprisingly gentle when he fucked him. It was more like lovemaking. Did that mean he was pleased with him? Maybe he was sorry for what he’d done? Sorry for hurting him. Kay focused on the sensations of the sex and did his best to ignore who he was with. If he thought about it too much, the idea of Rik touching him made his skin crawl. He couldn’t forget the fear he’d felt in that bathroom.

Afterwards, Rik tugged him into his arms in the bed and kissed his brow. ‘That’s just what I needed after the day I’ve had.’

‘Was it bad?’

Rik waved a hand. ‘Mondays. Everyone is always in a bad mood.’ He rolled over onto Kay, pinning him beneath him. He smiled and brushed his cheek with one gentle finger. ‘But I’ve got my angel to put me in a good mood when I get home, haven’t I?’

Kay smiled. The way he said it sounded like he meant it, sounded like what any loving boyfriend might say to his partner. Kay closed his eyes, trying to hold onto that feeling of being cared about.

Rik kissed his cheek, nuzzling in close to him. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

Kay started in surprise. ‘You do?’

Rik laughed softly, kissing his neck. ‘Of course I do. Just as long as you keep doing what you’re told.’

‘I will,’ Kay said. Why couldn’t Rik be like this all the time? It was nice when he was like this, gentle and calm. If Kay could only get him to be like this all the time. But whatever he did, it seemed like he could never make Rik happy with him. He never knew when the violence was going to come, when he was going to explode into anger.

He knew Rik would be angry if he knew he was meeting Marc and part of him wanted to not do it, to keep Rik happy for as long as he could. Maybe he’d take him out for dinner again. Maybe they could do some things together like a normal couple.

Maybe he could keep Rik happy for a while.

But the urge to see Marc was stronger than anything. He couldn’t help it. He knew he was still in love with Marc, despite all his best efforts and he couldn’t resist the chance to see him.

‘Did you decide if I could go for a run tomorrow? I was thinking it might be a good idea if I went to the woods early in the morning, when no one else is around.’

Rik smiled. He rolled off him and tugged him on his side. He caressed his ass cheeks, which still had belt marks across it.

‘Are you ready for that?’

‘I want to keep fit for you. There’s only so much I can do in the flat.’

Rik nodded slowly. ‘Good point. All right. I’ll drive you there for six tomorrow and you can run until seven.’

‘You don’t need to drive me. I can go myself.’

Rik frowned. ‘Don’t argue with me, mein Engel, not when I’m only trying to keep you safe.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Kay said, quickly. ‘I’m grateful that you want to protect me.’

Rik caressed his cheek. ‘I’ll always protect you, mein Engel.’

Kay looked back at him, making eye contact. ‘I know,’ he said softly.

The next morning, as Rik drove him to the woods, Kay hoped Marc had thought to park elsewhere. If Rik thought there was someone else there, he’d never let him go. In his proper running clothes, Kay felt more like himself than he had in ages. This was something he’d always done, since he was a kid. Going running, nothing but his own legs carrying through whatever countryside he could find, had been a constant in his life, something which had always kept him steady.

Then there were all the times he’d had with Marc in these woods, running together or fucking or making each other laugh. Kay wanted to get back to that person, who’d been able to push everything else aside, all the pain of his past, and just flirt with Marc, work out how to make him blush or stammer, how to drive him wild with desire.

‘Here we are,’ said Rik, pulling in. He leaned over to kiss Kay on the cheek. ‘Enjoy yourself. Be back here in an hour or I’ll have to come and find you.’

‘I’ll be here,’ said Kay. ‘Thanks.’ He got out of the car, had a quick stretch, then jogged off into the trees.

Once he’d done past the point where Rik would be able to see him from the car, he glanced back. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t followed. There was no sign of Rik and the woods were still and quiet.

There could be no cameras here. Kay was reasonably confident Rik wouldn’t find out what he was really doing but, still, as he jogged off towards the place where he’d always stopped for a rest with Marc, he couldn’t quite banish the fear that Rik already knew exactly what he was doing.


	42. Chapter 42

Marc waited in the clearing, leaning against the woodpile, and trying not to think of all the times he and Kay had spent there. Those memories felt like a different life now, like they had happened to a different person. He wasn’t that person anymore and all this was about was making sure somebody he knew was okay, somebody he felt responsible for pushing into this situation. He had broken Kay’s heart and he knew that. If he hadn’t, he would never have ended up with a man like Rik.

He didn’t even know if Kay was going to make it this morning. What kind of man was this Rik? Making Kay get permission to go for a run? That was beyond jealousy and into possession and control. But that with the bruises and the empty look in Kay’s eyes and Marc knew exactly what kind of man Rik was. An abusive piece of shit.

He heard a rustling in the trees and he stood up straight, waiting anxiously to see if it was Kay. _Please be Kay, please be okay._

A moment later, Kay emerged and stood nervously by a tree. Marc’s gaze swept over him and he pushed his anger down. There was a bruise near his mouth and his lip was a little swollen. But worse was the bruise and cut on his head. He looked as though he’d bashed his head into a wall. Or had it bashed.

Kay didn’t meet his eyes, but instead focused on the ground. ‘Hi,’ he said, his voice barely a whisper.

Marc cleared his throat and focused on keeping his voice calm. ‘Hi. I’m glad you could make it.’

Kay glanced up at him and studied him for a moment. ‘I don’t … I don’t know why I’m here.’

‘Aren’t you here because you want to leave your abusive bastard of a boyfriend?’

Kay blinked at him for a moment, then looked away. ‘He’s not … he gets angry sometimes but the rest of the time…’

‘So he doesn’t hurt you if you do exactly what he tells you. Sounds like the perfect guy,’ drawled Marc.

Kay pressed his lips together and looked away. Marc forced himself to take a deep breath and calm down.

‘Okay, I’m not having a go at you,’ he said, evenly. ‘But I am worried about you.’

Kay looked at him. ‘You do … care then?’

‘Of course I care about you, Kay. I want … I want you to be happy.’

‘I was happy when I was with you.’

Marc met those bright blue eyes. There was pain and vulnerability in his gaze, but also honesty. ‘I’m sorry about what happened. If I could change it … I would but we just don’t live in that world.’

‘We could just go back to the way things were,’ said Kay, biting his lip. ‘I don’t need you to commit to me or anything.’

‘Kay …’ He took another deep breath. ‘Kay, I got engaged.’

‘Oh. You are in love then. Just not with me.’

Marc looked away and didn’t give an answer.

Kay started to turn. ‘I should go.’

‘Kay, wait,’ said Marc, dashing over to him. He caught hold of his arm. ‘Wait.’

Kay halted, looking back at him. Marc suddenly realised how close they were. So close he could feel Kay’s hot breath on his face.

‘What?’ asked Kay. ‘What is it, Marc? What’s left to say?’

‘You shouldn’t stay with him, Kay. He’s hurting you.’

Kay swallowed, dropping his gaze. ‘I don’t have a choice.’ He looked back up at him. ‘There’s no pressure on you now, Marc. Even if you confessed your undying love to me, it wouldn’t make a difference. I can’t leave him.’

‘Why not, Kay?’

‘Because he’d come after me. He’d kill me. I can see it in his eyes. Either he gets me or nobody does. That’s who he is. It’s best if I just stay and try to make him happy.’

‘Bullshit,’ said Marc. ‘If you really want to leave, he can’t stop you.’

Kay shook his head. ‘You’ve got no idea. He would …’ He looked into Marc’s eyes. ‘At least if I stay with him, I stay alive.’

‘And is that enough for you? Just being alive and waiting for the next time he’s going to hurt you?’

‘What do you expect me to do?’ Kay asked, tear suddenly in his eyes. He blinked them away furiously.

‘Come with me now. I got my car on the other side. You can stay at my place for as long as you need to.’

‘Oh yeah, your girlfriend would love that. Sorry, fiancée,’ amended Kay, pulling a face. He looked down. ‘Anyway, he’d find me.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I need to start heading back now. He’s waiting in the car for me.’

Marc held back the retort he wanted to make to that. ‘Fine, if you won’t come with me now, meet me here again. I’ll be here every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Same time, same place. Please come.’

Kay took a slightly wobbly breath before he met his eyes again. ‘I’ll come if I can.’

Marc realised he was still holding onto Kay’s arm. He let go, feeling his cheeks get a little hot. ‘Take care, okay? And anything I can do to help, just tell me and I’ll do it, all right?’

Kay looked back at him for a moment, then nodded. ‘Thanks.’ He pulled away and disappeared back into the trees.

Marc watched him go, feeling completely helpless. If Kay didn’t want to be helped, what could he do? No, no matter what Kay said, Marc was determined he was going to help him somehow. What kind of friend would he be if he didn’t?

Kay jogged the long way back from the clearing, timing it so he’d arrive exactly at seven, looking sufficiently well-exercised. He wanted so much to just do what Marc said and go with him but he knew what would happen.

Even if Rik didn’t come after them, or if he couldn’t find them, Marc wouldn’t stick by him. He’d make him all better. Maybe they’d even fuck again and that would be it. Just like before, Marc would go back to his straight life and leave Kay on his own again. He wasn’t about to let that happen.

He was better off with Rik. At least Kay knew he was going to stick around. At least he knew Rik wanted him.

He emerged from the trees and there was Rik, reliably waiting for him. He got into the car and Rik smiled at him, then leaned over to kiss him.

‘Good run?’

Kay smiled back at him. ‘Yeah, good run.’

Rik nodded. ‘Good.’ He took his hand, brought it up to his mouth and kissed it. ‘I think you deserve a doughnut before I take you home.’

Kay smiled. ‘Thanks.’

Rik grinned back at him, then started the car and they started the drive back to the flat, via the doughnut place. Kay knew he was going to stay with Rik, but he also knew that, as long as he could, he would go to meet Marc in those woods.


	43. Chapter 43

Kay wasn’t there on Thursday and Marc did his best not to worry. He told himself that Kay hadn’t promised and that maybe he just didn’t feel like it. Or this Rik guy wouldn’t let him out.

But the possibility that Rik had found out that Kay had met him, kept going through Marc’s head. He kept imagining Kay hiding at home, injured and in pain. Would Rik even get him treatment if he seriously hurt him?

He had a date on Friday. Julia had been talking about wanting to go out for dinner but he managed to persuade her to stay in. He wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to hide his worry in a restaurant full of people.

‘You never want to go out anymore,’ said Julia as they sat on the sofa, halfway through their Chinese takeaway in front of a movie.

He glanced at her and shrugged. ‘I guess I’m just tired. It is tiring going out after a full day at work.’

‘I suppose.’

He returned his attention to his food, though he was still more than aware of her gaze on him.

‘Are you sure that’s all it is?’ she asked.

He glanced at her and saw her frown. ‘Well, okay,’ he said, thinking up a quick lie. ‘I am a bit distracted, worrying about somebody at work who’s in a bad relationship.’

‘Oh. Who? Because you haven’t even introduced me to any of your friends yet.’

_Fuck, now what?_ ‘Oh, it’s not a friend. It’s … this lad. Just wondering whether I need to make a referral about him.’

‘Oh. I guess you can’t talk about it then.’

‘No, not really.’

Julia put down her plate on the coffee table. ‘I think I’ve had enough.’

He glanced at her. Was he sensing a tone? He’d been out with enough women to know when they were upset with you without having to ask. But he didn’t want to ask why, because the only thing he knew he’d done was being a bit distant, because of Kay. The last thing he wanted to do was tell her about Kay. How could he ever explain Kay?

He put his own plate down and put his arm around her, hoping to stave off whatever moan was heading his way. She snuggled up against him.

‘Maybe we should go away?’ she said, tilting her head hopefully at him.

‘I don’t know, Jules, I’m busy at work.’

‘Oh, just a weekend?’

‘You know I need my weekends for marking and planning lessons.’

She huffed. ‘You always find time for going running though, don’t you?’

‘I need to keep fit, Julia,’ he said, an edge to his voice. _Why can’t she stop nagging at me? Ever since we got engaged, she’s been getting clingier._ ‘It’s part of my job. I can’t go away for any amount of time.’

‘What about in the summer? Come on, Marc, surely you can go away in the summer.’

‘We’ll think about it nearer the time,’ he said, aware that his tone was distinctly icy.

She huffed again but didn’t say anything. She kept leaning on him and he kept his arm around her, despite the fact that they had definitely fallen out.

Kay hadn’t asked Rik if he could go running again on Thursday. He needed longer than that to get him in a good mood. He was hopeful for Saturday but he knew he had to please Rik before he even asked him.

He made sure to work out at home when Rik told him to, and to not even ask about meals, instead meekly accepting whatever he was given. He did what he was told in bed and didn’t argue about anything. Every evening, he waited, naked on his knees by the door for Rik to come home and every evening, he was greeted with a smile at having done it.

Friday night, after dinner, Kay asked Rik if he would like a massage, hoping to get him as relaxed as possible before he asked about the morning.

Rik gave him a smile. ‘Oh, my boy is eager to please,’ he said.

Kay smiled demurely. ‘Of course, Sir.’

‘Well then,’ said Rik, patting Kay’s thigh. ‘Who am I to deny my boy in his efforts to please me? Come on.’

They made their way through to the bedroom. Kay noticed the spring in Rik’s step and he smiled inside his head. He knew what Rik liked by now. He knew how to keep him happy. As long as he kept him happy, everything was going to be all right. He could keep going running with Marc, as long as Rik would let him and as long as Marc kept coming. He had never thought that would be enough for him but if that were all he could have, it would have to be enough, wouldn’t it?

He straddled Rik, enjoying the imitation of power. He knew that the imitation was all he would have. As he massaged Rik’s back, he let his mind wander back to Marc. The thing he missed, really, was the fun. Kay couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed with Rik. But Marc? Everything they’d done had been fun, even the sex. So often they’d laughed together, even in the middle of sex. He missed that. Maybe, by meeting Marc in the woods a couple of times a week, he could get that back.

Rik sighed contentedly as Kay finished and slid off him. He reached out, took Kay’s hand and kissed it. ‘You have magic hands, mein Engel. I should put them to good use more often.’

Kay smiled. ‘Any time you want a massage, just let me know.’

Rik pressed into him. ‘I was thinking of more adventurous pursuits as well.’

Kay gave him another of his sweet smiles. ‘Whatever you require of me, Sir.’

Rik laughed, still holding him close. ‘I do think you’re starting to learn, mein Engel. Aren’t you? Is that rebellious nature finally giving way to obedience?’

Kay met his gaze. ‘I will do whatever you ask of me, Sir,’ he said. ‘I promise.’ He let the silence echo around the words for a moment, making sure they sank in. ‘But I would like to ask for something, if I may?’

Rik looked carefully at him for a moment. ‘Is this the running? I must say, it is good for you.’ He sighed. ‘Yes, I think you’ve earned the privilege to have a couple of hours to yourself.’ He laughed, stroking Kay’s cheek. ‘After all, you’re not running away from _me_ , are you?’

Kay shook his head. ‘No, Sir. I want to run _for_ you. I know you like me to keep fit and running is the best way.’

Rik nodded. ‘All right. I still want to drop you off and pick you up, but yes, you can go running any morning you want. Do you want to go tomorrow?’

‘Yes, please. Early again?’

‘Sure. I’ll drop you off.’

‘Thank you, Sir.’

Rik patted his head. ‘Good boy. Now, are you going to suck my cock or do I need to fuck your mouth?’

Kay didn’t reply, just slid down the bed and obediently went to work. He had got what he wanted, what he needed to get through. That was all that mattered, getting through. 


	44. Chapter 44

Saturday morning, when Marc saw Kay emerging from the cover of the trees, the relief he felt was palpable. There were no new injuries visible and he had a real smile on his face.

‘Morning,’ he said, brightly.

Marc smiled back at him. ‘Glad you could make it.’

Kay met his eyes for a moment and there was a sparkle in his eyes that Marc hadn’t seen for a long time. ‘Shall we run?’ he asked, then started out without waiting for Marc to reply.

Marc laughed and took off after him. This was just like the old days, Kay teasing him that he was too slow and starting races.

He caught up with him easily and it didn’t take him long to realise that Kay was slower than he used to be. He recognised the running top he was wearing but, while it used to be form-fitting, it was now baggy. It was suddenly obvious. Kay was losing weight.

Marc didn’t want to ask him about it so he just worried silently and made sure to keep to Kay’s pace. Nevertheless, it was nice to run with Kay again. It made him feel light and happy and he realised how much he’d missed it over the past months. It was good to have a friend to run with again.

They’d been running for about half an hour when Kay pulled off the path suddenly and went to sit down on a tree stump. He leaned over, panting and clasping his side.

‘Got a stitch,’ he gasped.

‘Sit up straight and take deep breaths,’ said Marc, automatically in teacher mode.

Kay glared at him. ‘I know.’ He did it, or tried to. It seemed like he was struggling to catch his breath.

Marc noticed how tightly Kay’s fists were clenched and he suddenly realised this wasn’t just a stitch. Kay was having a panic attack.

Marc dropped to his knees in front of him, enclosed his hands in his and looked him in the eye.

‘You’re okay. Hey, Kay, look at me.’

Kay blinked at him.

‘Copy my breathing, okay?’ He breathed slow and deep, holding Kay’s gaze. After a moment, the rhythm of Kay’s breathing followed his own and, gradually, Kay calmed down.

‘Sorry,’ he murmured.

‘You have nothing to be sorry for,’ Marc said, sternly. He sat down on the ground next to Kay. His shoulder brushed against Kay’s leg and a feeling of warmth went through him. they were quiet for a little while, listening to the bird song and the sound of each other’s breathing.

Then Marc glanced at him. ‘You know you can’t stay with him, don’t you?’

Kay looked down at the ground and didn’t say anything.

‘He’s destroying you. Bit by bit. You’ve lost weight and fitness. You’re afraid to go against what he tells you. You’ve lost so much of your spirit and happiness. You’re having panic attacks, Kay. That’s not you. You’ve always been … so confident.’

‘Why do you care if he destroys me or not? You’ll just go back to your fiancée.’

‘I care,’ said Marc, levelly, though his heart was beating like crazy. ‘I’ll always care about you.’

Kay looked at him, his eyes giving away his surprise but little else. Then he sighed and looked down at his hands, clasped between his knees. ‘There’s this guy. His name is Klaus. He said he could help me.’ He paused and licked his lips. ‘Gave me his number but I lost it. Maybe if you find him he could help. I dunno, he just seemed like he might.’

Marc resisted the urge to say they didn’t need anyone else, that he could help if Kay let him. Clearly, Kay didn’t trust him enough yet.’

Kay described the guy, then gave Marc the address of a place called The Hangout. ‘That’s where I met him but I don’t know how often he’s there. It might take a few tries to find him.’

‘I’ll keep trying until I do.’

Kay nodded, then stood up. ‘I’d better be heading back. He’ll be picking me up soon.’

‘Does he ever let you go anywhere alone?’

Kay shrugged as they started walking back to the clearing. ‘Here. After I left I got a job at Stark’s Gym but …’ He shrugged again. ‘I couldn’t walk there anymore.’

‘He made you quit?’ asked Marc, incredulously.

‘No,’ Kay snapped. ‘I just had to leave. He was supportive, all right? Said I didn’t need to work if I didn’t want to.’

Marc glanced at his face and saw that he didn’t want to talk about it so he let it drop. They didn’t talk much for the rest of the way.

Back in the clearing, Kay looked at Marc and gave him a smile. A little of the spark as back in his eyes.

‘I think I should be able to come most Tuesdays and Saturdays,’ he said.

Marc smiled back at him. ‘Great. Hopefully see you Tuesday then.’

Kay grinned. ‘Yeah,’ he said, then disappeared back into the cover of the trees.

Marc stood there a little while longer, fighting with his urges. He wanted to run after Kay, grab him and steal him away to keep him safe forever.

But he knew nothing about this Rik guy really and he didn’t know how dangerous he was. Stealing Kay away might be the very thing which led to Kay getting grievously hurt. He had to find out more about Rik before he did anything. Maybe that Klaus would know. He certainly seemed to be someone Kay trusted and that was something. Marc would have to trust him too and hope that, eventually, Kay would be able to put his trust in him again.

Kay slid into the passenger seat of Rik’s car with a smile. He felt light and happy after being with Marc, like nothing could ever trouble him. ‘Hi.’

Rik frowned at him. ‘How far did you run?’

Kay shrugged. ‘About the usual.’

‘You’re not as out of breath as last time. What does your phone say?’

‘I didn’t have the tracking on,’ said Kay, as smoothly as he could.

Rik held out his hand. ‘Give me your phone.’

Reluctantly, Kay took his phone out of his pocket and handed it over. He shouldn’t have said that about the tracking. It was a stupid lie. He should have known Rik would check his phone. At least he always remembered to delete Marc’s number from his call list.

Rik checked his phone. ‘Why is there a gap here?’ he asked, coldly.

‘I got a stitch,’ said Kay.

‘Hmm.’ He put the phone in his own pocket and started the engine. ‘I don’t think you’re working hard enough, are you? Put your seatbelt on. We’re going straight home.’

Kay did as he was told, knowing he was in for it. He knew already that it would be worse for the lie. The only thing he didn’t know was would it be a cold, cruel punishment? Or a sudden burst of violent anger. He didn’t know which was worse.


	45. Chapter 45

Kay watched the view pass by the car window as they drove home and contemplated jumping out into the traffic. Maybe it would be better.

But no, with his luck, no cars would hit him, and Rik would catch him soon enough. Then, whatever his punishment was going to be, it would be worse for the attempt. Whatever was going to happen when they got home, he would just have to endure it.

He should have gone with Marc.

But then, Marc had left him before. At least he knew Rik wouldn’t abandon him. At least Kay knew _he_ loved him, wanted him, would never leave him.

Rik was completely calm as they parked up, got out and made their way up in the lift to the apartment. Kay started to think that maybe this wasn’t serious. Maybe he was going to make it into a game, or something he could pretend was a game. Surely, just for being a bit slow, Rik wouldn’t be too hard on him? Maybe he just wanted to make sure he remembered who was in charge, what with the extra freedom. But Kay wasn’t about to forget that.

He stepped inside the flat and heard the door shut behind him. The click of the lock echoed in the silent flat. He felt Rik reaching for him and he took a deep breath.

Rik grabbed his shoulder and spun him round. Kay caught a glimpse of his completely calm face before he grabbed his t-shirt and started ripping off his clothes, tearing them into rags. Kay didn’t resist, though his heart was hammering.

When he was naked, Rik grabbed him by the hair, yanked his head back and slapped him hard across the face. Kay didn’t fight, didn’t resist, even as the pain throbbed through him. Maybe if he quietly accepted this, Rik wouldn’t be too hard on him.

‘I’m sick and tired of you sitting around this place doing nothing. It’s about time you learned what hard work is.’

He yanked on Kay’s hair again, pulling him backwards so hard he couldn’t stand up straight. He drove him to the bedroom and Kay started to imagine getting bent over the bed for a spanking, or maybe the bath and he had an appointment with the belt again.

But Rik took him past the bathroom, past the bed and to the glass doors to the balcony. He pushed him hard against the door, glaring into his face. He held him against the glass, pinning him with his body and clasping his hand over his mouth.

‘You think you can sit around doing nothing while I look after everything? I don’t ask much from you. All I ask is that you do as you’re told and keep yourself looking nice for me. It’s not much to ask, is it?’

Kay shook his head as much as he was able to.

‘And don’t think I’ve forgotten that lie you told,’ Rik said, his voice low.

Kay could say nothing. Even if he could speak, he knew there was nothing here could say to appease Rik at this point.

Rik raised his hand and slapped Kay hard across the mouth. While Kay’s ears were still ringing and the pain was taking over everything, Rik opened the balcony door and pushed him out. Kay found himself locked on the balcony with nothing to protect him from the elements.

Immediately, Rik seemed to calm down. He looked Kay coldly up and down. ‘Maybe after some time out there you’ll be more appreciative of all I do for you.’

Kay pressed his hands against the glass and met Rik’s gaze. ‘Please let me in. Please. I’ll do anything. Please.’

Rik considered him, then folded his arms across his chest. ‘Do some star jumps.’

‘Here?’

‘That’s what I said.’

Humiliation burning through him, Kay started to do what he was told. Rik watched him, still with that cold, impassive look on his face. Rik waited until he was panting and warm before he spoke.

‘Now jog on the spot.’

‘Please, Rik.’

‘Jog on the spot,’ Rik repeated, his voice a low, warning tone.

Kay did as he was told, jogging as hard as he could to show Rik he was being obedient. He started to get hot and sweaty and Rik just watched him.

Finally, Rik held up his hand. ‘You can stop now.’

Gratefully, Kay stopped. Surely, he was going to let him inside now?

‘What else are you lying to me about?’ Rik asked.

‘Nothing, Sir. I promise.’

‘Hmm, well I think you need to have a little think about that before your proper punishment,’ he said, then turned away.

Kay banged on the window. ‘Rik, please, I’m sorry, don’t leave me out here,’ he called.

But Rik didn’t even glance back.

Kay sank down to the ground, suddenly exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally. Rik had just walked away, as if he didn’t care what happened to him.

He curled up in the corner of the balcony, glad the barrier around it was a solid wall and not a railing like the other flats. He’d sweated during his exertion, which was now making his body cool down quicker. It wasn’t a warm day either, as they were barely into Spring.

He tried not to think about that as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep warm. What he couldn’t stop thinking about was what Rik had said. _Proper punishment_. What else was he going to do to him? What else did he think he’d done? He’d talked about lying. Surely, he couldn’t know about Marc? _Please, no._

Maybe he knew all about him already. Maybe this was all some big game, trying to get him to confess. Or maybe he knew nothing at all and he was just trying to weasel some indiscretion out of him. Well, Kay was determined he wasn’t going to give him any information. Absolutely nothing at all. He could beat him, torture him, play games with him as much as he wanted. Kay wasn’t going to tell him anything. Fuck him.


	46. Chapter 46

Marc felt distinctly awkward going to The Hangout. Kay was his only experience with The Scene, as he called it, and he had never got into the social side of things, though The Hangout seemed as much of a pick-up place as any club.

He’d gone at the same day and time as Kay said he’d visited, hoping that this Klaus was a regular. He looked around as he stepped inside and saw at least a couple of guys who could have been Klaus. Instead of going up to them, he went to the bar.

There was a young woman with pink hair behind the bar. ‘Afternoon,’ she said, with a bright smile. ‘What can I get you?’

‘Er-’ Marc started.

‘You’re new, aren’t you? There’s no alcohol served at this time. Just soft drinks.’

‘Actually, I’m not here for a drink,’ he said. ‘A … friend sent me to look for a friend of his. Guy called Klaus. Do you know him?’

She whistled. ‘Oh, yeah, we all know Klaus here. Friend of the owners.’ She pointed across the room. ‘He’s over there. Hot guy in the white t-shirt. Gorgeous, isn’t he?’

Marc looked across the room and found the guy. He _was_ gorgeous. Tight, muscley body, golden blond hair and a cute smile. Something about him reminded him of Kay, the Kay he used to know. Confidence. That was it. Confidence. It brought it home just how much of that Kay had lost.

Marc swallowed. How much of that was Rik’s fault and how much was Marc’s?

‘Thanks,’ he said, then stepped away from the bar.

He was nervous as he made his way across to Klaus. How did you ask your ex-boyfriend’s one night stand to help you rescue him from his psychotic current boyfriend?

_Boyfriend?_ _That’s the wrong word. We were never boyfriends_ , he thought to himself. The word had made him angry once, when he’d known Kay was thinking about it. Now, it just made him sad. It was too late for all that now.

‘Excuse me, is your name Klaus?’

Klaus glanced away from the guys he was talking to and looked Marc up and down. ‘Yeah. Do I know you?’

‘No but you know my … you know someone I know. Kay. He needs our help.’

Klaus straightened, glanced again at his companions, then stepped away from them. He took Marc by the arm and guided him to an area where there was no one else.

‘Is he okay? I thought … I expected him to call me but he didn’t.’ Klaus’s dark brown eyes were full of care and compassion. Marc could see why Kay found him easy to trust.

‘He said he lost your number.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And no, he’s not okay. I think he needs our help. He’s with this guy who’s no good for him.’

‘I only met him once. Just thought he seemed sad. What’s happened?’

‘The guy he’s with. He’s controlling, like seriously controlling, and I think he’s hitting him. Kay’s not like he used to be. He used to be so confident. Now he’s … terrified all the time and he’s lost weight.’

‘He sent you to me, did he?’

‘Yeah. Said you could help him.’

‘Hmm, maybe I can.’ He glanced around, thinking, then back at Marc. ‘What’s this guy’s name? Is he on The Scene?’

‘I think so. His name’s Rik Mader. Do you know him?’

‘I know of a Rik, might be the same one. He’s bad news if it is. I’ll ask around.’ He dug in his pocket and gave Marc a business card. Marc looked at it. His name was Klaus Weber and he was in private security.

‘Do you know where he lives?’ Klaus asked. ‘Is he still in the same place?’

‘He’s moved in with Rik.’

‘Ah, well that complicates things a little but we can do it.’

‘What, you want to break him out of there?’

‘If he’s ready to come. They aren’t always.’

‘I think he might be. He did ask me to find you. So have you done this before then?’

‘Yeah, a few times. There are a few people on The Scene who use it as a way to abuse. From what I’ve heard, this Rik is one of the bad ones. I’ve been trying to get him banned from the clubs around here for a while. If it is the same Rik.’

‘Must be. He’s an evil bastard,’ spat Marc, surprising himself.

Klaus looked at him. ‘Is Kay more than a friend?’

Marc glanced at him, then away. ‘He could have been,’ he said. ‘I fucked it up. But that doesn’t matter now.’ He looked back at Klaus. ‘What do we do now? How do we get him out?’

‘If he’s ready to come, we can get him out. You find out if he’s ready, then call me and we’ll sort it out.’

Marc took a picture of the card in case he lost it, then put it in his pocket. ‘I’ll call you. I’m sure he’s ready. If he isn’t, he will be soon.’

‘Don’t put pressure on him,’ said Klaus, gently. ‘If you’re too forceful, you could push him the other way. You just need to let him know that, if he’s ready, we can get him out and we can keep him safe. Tell him I’ve done this before and I’ve never let the abuser find their victim.’

‘I’ll tell him. Thanks.’

They shook hands, then Marc excused himself. He made his way home. He had said he would try to look in on Julia on his way home, maybe time it to have lunch with her, but he had too much mind. He couldn’t sit through an hour of his fiancée chattering on about work drama when all he could think about was Kay.

He’d have to wait until Tuesday when they went running but he was determined that he was going to get Kay out. He could only hope that Kay would be all right until then.

He was certain Kay would be ready to get the hell out of there. How could anyone put up with that sort of treatment? But one thought nagged at him. If Kay didn’t trust him, how would he ever believe that Marc could get him out safely? He had to show Kay, had to get him to believe that he could be trusted.


	47. Chapter 47

Kay was proud of himself. Rik had brought him inside and belted him. He’d harangued him and shouted at him. He’d hit him and shaken him and Kay would have done almost anything to make it stop.

But he hadn’t told him about Marc.

It was like he wasn’t in his body anymore. He could look at himself, at what Rik was doing to him, and not feel the pain anymore. All he could feel was his hatred for that man. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He wanted to be out in the fresh air, with Marc. But Marc didn’t want to be with him, not like that.

What was the point of anything? What was the point of trying to survive? He should just give up and die right then. But something stopped him.

It had all stopped now. Rik had reached a frenzy of anger and it had been hard and painful but now it was over. The anger had abated and Rik had left him on the floor and was now sitting on the sofa, watching the TV. Kay thought he might be bleeding but he wasn’t sure. There was too much pain to even think about which bits hurt.

If he had his phone, he could call Marc, get him to come and get him. But Rik still had it.

He couldn’t stay lying on the floor. He had to check he was all right, not bleeding too much. Slowly, he pushed himself up off the floor, watching Rik. His boyfriend didn’t even glance away from the TV. Pain throbbed through his body but with sheer determination, he got himself to his feet.

He swayed as dizziness came over him. Rik still didn’t look up. Kay guessed it was because he knew he couldn’t really go anywhere. He couldn’t leave because the door was locked and Kay didn’t even have access to a pair of boxer shorts. He was trapped.

But he didn’t want to think about that now. All he could focus on was getting to the bathroom and getting cleaned up. Rik didn’t say a single word to him, just kept watching the flickering screen.

Slowly, Kay started to walk. His footsteps were slow and painful but he was determined not to stop. He was determined to get cleaned up and inspect the damage.

He thought it was unlikely he was going to be allowed out to go for a run for a while, if ever again. He had to get himself fixed up, so he could get through whatever Rik was going to inflict on him before he earned that freedom again. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

In the bathroom, he glanced at himself in the mirror and winced. There was hardly an inch on him which wasn’t bloody or bruised. But he was still standing. He could still walk. After some rest, he could still run.

He filled the sink with warm water, found a washcloth and started to clean himself up. He tried not to look in the mirror too much. He didn’t want to see how unlike himself he looked. His face and his ass were the worst. Rik’s favourite things to do seemed to be slapping his face and beating his ass.

He needed help but there was no way for him to get it. He could only hope that Marc would do as he’d asked and find Klaus. He could only hope that he could actually trust Marc a little bit.

Clean, though still a mess, he stumbled through to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. Hoping that Rik would let him rest, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Tuesday, Kay didn’t come. Marc waited for over an hour in the clearing but there was no sign of him. He tried to tell himself that it was just one of those things, that maybe Kay had changed his mind about coming. But he’d _said_ he should be able to come most Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Perhaps the sensible thing to do was wait until Saturday and see if Kay came. After all, he had come last Saturday after not coming earlier in the week and he’d been absolutely fine. Well, if you didn’t count the panic attack.

No, Marc had never been known for doing the sensible thing. He had to find out if Kay was okay.

But he didn’t know where to find Kay. All he knew was that he lived with Rik Mader. Maybe he could find out his address.

As he walked back to his car, Marc got out his phone and googled. But nothing came up. Rik was ex-directory and there were no details on him.

He got back into his car, wondering if there was anything else he could do. He could wait until the end of the day and follow him home from his office. But he had no idea what time Rik finished work and he couldn’t wait there all day, with work. Besides, he really didn’t want to wait that long to check if Kay was all right. If he found out where Rik lived by following him home, he’d have to wait until the next day to actually get to Kay, because he’d have to wait until Rik went out again.

He thought back to the things Kay had said. Maybe he’d given him some clue where he lived? No, there was nothing.

But wait, he _had_ said where he used to work. Stark’s Gym. Maybe they had a current address for him.

He checked the time. He didn’t have enough time before work. He searched through his glove box for one of those large boiled sweets he kept in case of travel sickness and put one in his mouth.

Then he rang work. He spoke to the receptionist.

‘Hi, Anna,’ he said, putting on a pained voice. The boiled sweet helped to muffle his words too. ‘I’ve got to call in sick for the morning. I’ve broken a tooth. Got an emergency appointment. Can you let the head know?’

‘Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, Marc you sound dreadful. You’d better take the whole day off. You’ll be loopy with painkillers after the dentist has tortured you.’

‘Good idea. Thanks, Anna.’

He hung up, clipped his phone in the hands-free clip, and started to drive. He was determined to find Kay and make sure he was all right. He wasn’t going to abandon him again.


	48. Chapter 48

Stark’s Gym was upmarket, with excellent facilities. A step up from the old gym where Marc had first met Kay. Marc smiled a little as he made his way to the reception. There were plenty of hot guys around. He could see Kay working at a place like this.

There was a young man on the reception. Marc went up to him. ‘Excuse me, is the boss in? Or whoever deals with staff?’

‘I can see if Stefan is free for you?’ he said.

‘Yeah, thanks.’

‘Who can I say wishes to see him?’

‘Oh, Marc. Marc Borgmann. It’s about Kay Engel.’

There was a small flicker of recognition in the receptionist’s face and he nodded before he rang. Marc glanced away as he rang through. He wondered if this was even going to work. This Stefan wasn’t going to just give out the details of his staff, or former staff in this case. He had to be convincing that this was matter of life or death.

It really could be. When someone was violent and that controlling, what was to stop them from killing? He had to get Kay out before it was too late.

The receptionist cleared his throat. ‘Stefan says he’s got a few minutes,’ he said. ‘He’s in his office. I’m sorry I can’t escort you but it’s just off the weights room.’

‘I’ll find it. Thanks.’

Marc made his way through the gym, carefully avoiding looking at all the hot guys in tight Lycra. He wasn’t interested in them. He was practically a married man.

He found the office and was about to knock when Stefan opened it. He was a few years older than Marc, with a friendly smile.

‘Marc Borgmann? Come in.’

Marc went in and Stefan shut the door behind him. ‘This is about Kay?’ he asked, gesturing towards the chair in front of the desk.

They both sat down, though Marc felt far too agitated to keep still. His knee bounced up and down and he tried to keep focused.

‘I understand you might have rules about giving out staff details,’ he began. ‘But this is really important. I can’t tell you how important it is. I need Kay’s address.’

Stefan considered him gravely for a moment. ‘Is he in some kind of danger?’

‘I think he is, yeah. He’s with his guy. Rik Mader. He’s trouble. I think … I’m pretty sure he’s abusing Kay. Maybe even keeping him locked up in his place.’

Stefan nodded. ‘I vaguely know who Rik Mader is. I was concerned about how he was with Kay. He used to come and watch him work. Creepy guy. Kay quit not long after they got together. Called in sick a lot, got cautious about changing in the staff changing room. I suspected something funny was going on.’

‘I’ve seen injuries on him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was hiding more. Have you got an address for him?’

Stefan let out a sigh and went in his desk drawer. ‘We’re really not supposed to give out any details but some things are more important than protocol.’ He pulled out a file and copied something down.

‘There is security for those flats,’ he said, as he passed the piece of paper over. ‘So if he doesn’t want to see you he can easily keep you out. I suppose that makes it okay that I’m giving you this.’

‘Sir, I promise, all I want is for Kay to be okay,’ he said, meeting Stefan’s gaze and hoping his sincerity showed in his eyes.

Stefan held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. ‘So do I. When you talk to him, tell him he’s got a job here when he wants it. One of my best trainers.’

Marc smiled. ‘He is good. I’ll tell him. Thanks, I really appreciate it. You might have saved his life doing this.’

He took his leave from Stefan and made his way back out to the car. He wanted to head straight off to the apartments and get Kay out of there but he knew he had to tread carefully.

He called Klaus. Someone else answered the phone.

‘Hello, Klaus’s phone,’ said a youngish male voice.

‘Oh, is Klaus there? I needed to talk to him.’

‘He’s just in the middle of something. Marc, right? Is this about Kay?’

Marc frowned. ‘Er, yeah. Sorry, who is this?’

‘Nico. Hang on, sorry, let me get Klaus. He’s in the shower.’ Marc heard the phone be put down on something, then heard Nico calling Klaus’s name.

A moment later, Klaus’s voice spoke into the phone. ‘Marc? Has something happened? Has Kay said he’s ready?’

‘Not exactly. He was supposed to meet me for a run this morning but he never showed up. I’m worried something’s happened to him.’

‘So, what do you want to do now?’ asked Klaus.

‘I’ve got his address. Rik’s address. I’m pretty sure Rik should be at work now. I thought I’d go round and see if I can talk to Kay, find out if he’s all right, tell him we can get him out.’

‘Okay, Marc, listen,’ said Klaus, his voice low and serious. ‘You have to do this carefully, and I mean carefully. You have to make absolutely sure Rik isn’t there. Trying to leave an abusive partner is the most dangerous time. Some abusers would rather their victim be dead than free.’

‘I’ll be careful. Klaus, if we can get him out, where can I take him?’

‘Bring him to my place,’ said Klaus, immediately. ‘I’ve got a spare room and he won’t be the first abuse survivor I’ve had staying here.’

‘Is that who Nico is?’

Klaus hesitated. ‘Yeah. Look, I can’t talk about that now but call me. If Kay is ready, call me and I’ll come and help. I’ll keep my phone on me.’

‘Okay.’ He sighed, heavily. ‘Fuck I really hope he’s okay. I keep thinking what if Rik found out he was meeting me on our runs. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy who would be pleased to find out his boyfriend was going running secretly with an ex.’

Klaus was quiet for a moment, then let out a breath. ‘Whatever has happened, we’ll deal with it.’

‘Yeah. Thanks.’ I’ll be in touch.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’

Marc hung up, took another look at the address and started his car.

It wasn’t that far from the gym. Marc’s heart was racing as he made his way there, as his mind took him through what he might find there. Would Kay even talk to him?

What if … what if it had got worse? What if Rik knew all about him and he’d gone mad? Part of him couldn’t even imagine Kay taking that kind of anger and violence without fighting back. But the rest of him knew that Kay wasn’t the person he used to know. Kay was hurt and vulnerable now and Marc knew with certainty that it was all his fault. He’d broken Kay’s heart and delivered him straight to Rik, already vulnerable, ready to be hurt more.

He had to fix it. He had to help mend the damage he’d done.

He reached the block, pulled up outside and got out. It had got chillier, so he went to get his jacket out of the boot. He paused. There was a cardboard box in there, something he used to carry bottles in when he went shopping. He smiled, as an idea struck him. If he looked like a delivery guy, that would be a perfectly reasonable reason for him to go to Kay’s door, just in case Rik was there, or if he had security cameras. He could be trying to deliver a parcel and have the wrong address.

He closed the box up, then picked it up and put it under his arm, before he locked his car and made his way to the apartment block.


	49. Chapter 49

Kay sat alone in the apartment, feeling numb. Rik hadn’t hurt him again but they hadn’t made up either. In fact, Rik had barely even spoken to him, not even to give him any orders. Part of Kay wanted to apologise, to beg Rik to forgive him. He couldn’t stand that coldness.

But the defiant part of him refused, even when Rik had reached for him the night before and started to touch him. Kay kept his eyes closed and didn’t react. Rik had scoffed and pulled away.

‘And I thought you were fun. Fucking useless.’

Kay had said nothing. Now he was alone again. Rik had left without a word to him, and neither had he given him anything. His phone, his computer, his clothes, everything was locked away somewhere. He wanted to run but he didn’t even have anything to cover himself with. He had nothing and no one. How had he ended up like this? How had it come to this?

The intercom buzzed, startling him out of his reverie. He frowned. They weren’t expecting anything as far as he knew. He got up and crossed to it.

‘Hello?’

‘Delivery for Mr. Mader,’ came a familiar voice.

Kay frowned. ‘He’s not here. Marc? Is that you?’

‘Yeah, are you alone? Can I come up?’

‘Er, yeah,’ said Kay and pressed the buzzer. It was only when he had that he realised he couldn’t let Marc inside the flat. He made sure the chain was on the door and waited, leaning against it.

He soon heard footsteps. He looked through the peephole and saw Marc coming down the corridor. He knocked on the door.

‘I can’t let you in,’ he said, leaning against the door again.

‘But he’s not there?’

‘No. He’s got cameras in here. He might be watching.’

‘Okay, I’ll be quick. I’m in touch with Klaus. He’s ready to get you out of here as soon as you say the word. He promises he can keep you safe, Kay. Please, let me get you out of here.’

Kay wanted to. He wanted to so much but how could he just let Marc in and let him see what he’d come to.

‘I can’t. Not right now.’

‘Why not, Kay?’

‘I don’t have any … I need a change of clothes.’

Marc was quiet and Kay looked through the peephole and saw his frown.

‘Okay, what if I go now and come back later this afternoon. I’ll bring Klaus with me and some warm clothes, and we’ll get you out. Can you get your things together?’

‘He’s locked them away.’

Marc took a breath. ‘All right. We’ll see if we can get them out when we get there. When is he back from work?’

‘Normally he’s back about five.’

‘We’ll be back in plenty of time,’ promised Marc. He hesitated and Kay could see him chewing on his lip. ‘Are you okay? You’re not … hurt or anything?’

Kay winced. How could he explain? ‘I’m fine,’ he said.

Marc smiled with relief. ‘Good.’ He hesitated again. ‘Just be … be ready, okay?’

‘I will.’ He paused, his heart hammering. Was this really going to happen? ‘Marc…’

‘What, Kay?’

Kay hesitated, wondering how to put into words all the things he wanted to say. Then he realised he couldn’t. ‘Can you really keep me safe?’

Marc looked at the peephole and it felt like he was looking into his eyes. ‘I promise. You’ll be safe.’

Kay took a breath. He wanted to trust him. He wanted so badly to trust him. ‘You’d better go, before he notices me talking to the door.’

‘Yeah. I won’t be long.’

Kay watched him go, then turned back to the sofa. He went to sit down, trying to pretend everything was normal. He really hoped Rik hadn’t been watching that. He wanted to go and try to get his things out of Rik’s locked wardrobe but he knew that, as soon as he started trying to get in, Rik would see and he’d come straight home.

Marc walked back to his car, deep in thought. All that stuff about Rik taking his things. It was worse than Marc had thought, Rik was more controlling. He didn’t believe Kay that he was uninjured either. Why else would he refuse to open the door?

He got back in his car but didn’t drive off. He got out his phone and called Klaus, keeping his eye on the door of the apartments just in case Rik came back. Klaus answered the phone immediately.

‘Have you seen him?’

‘Talked to him. He wouldn’t open the door. But he said he was ready.’

‘Where are you now?’

‘Outside his apartment block. He needs a change of clothes. Rik’s keeping all his things away from him.’

‘Sounds familiar. All right, text me the address and I’ll be there with some clothes for him. We’ll have him out by the afternoon, Marc. It’ll be all right.’

He hung up and Marc texted him the address. Then he sat and watched, trying to tell himself that it would be all right, that they had this in hand. But he was terrified that they were going to mess this all up, terrified he was going to get Kay killed, terrified about what he was going to find when Kay did open that door.

More than anything, he was terrified of his own feelings. He couldn’t deny how he felt anymore, not when he was willing to do anything to get Kay to safety. He loved Kay, more than he’d ever loved anyone in his whole life, more than he loved Julia.

But what could he do about it? He couldn’t give Kay what he wanted, be his boyfriend. And anyway, it was all different now. Kay was hurt and he needed to heal. Marc couldn’t put his own fears on him, couldn’t subject him to him trying to sort out his own thoughts, his own identity. Kay needed time, needed to find his strength again.

No, their time was gone. It had been a moment in time and now it was done. Now their relationship had to be something different. Marc could be his friend, be someone Kay could trust and turn to. That was all he could do now.


	50. Chapter 50

As he saw Klaus pull up, Marc got out of his car.

Klaus parked up and got out, bringing a holdall. His expression was both grim and determined and Marc imagined his own was the same.

‘Any sign of Rik?’ he asked.

Marc shook his head. ‘Nope, no sign. I’ve been watching the block the whole time.’

‘How did Kay sound?’

Marc shrugged. ‘Frightened. Anxious. I’m not sure he really believes we’re going to get him out.’

‘That’s normal,’ said Klaus. He cracked his knuckles. ‘So let’s go and show him who he can rely on.’

They rang the buzzer and Kay let them in. When they got upstairs, the door was still shut. Marc knocked. There as a few moments pause, during which Marc thought he could feel Kay’s gaze on him. Then the door opened a crack.

‘Have you got the clothes?’ Kay asked.

Klaus held out the bag. ‘In here.’

Kay’s bare arm reached around the door for it and took it off him, then shut the door. Klaus and Marc exchanged glances.

A moment later the door opened properly and they were faced with the sight of Kay, dressed in the jogging pants, hoodie and sneakers they had brought. Marc tried not to stare. There were marks and bruises on almost every visible bit of skin.

‘We have to move quickly,’ said Klaus. ‘Is there anything you want to bring with you?’

‘Yes, but it’s locked up,’ Kay’s voice was barely above a whisper.

‘Show me,’ said Klaus. He bent and took a small tool kit out of the hold all. ‘I might be able to get into it.’

Kay’s eyes widened but he didn’t say anything. He turned and walked to the bedroom. Klaus followed him. Marc stayed near the door, anxious about Rik turning up. Besides, he was feeling strangely nervous around this quiet, awkward Kay, who didn’t trust him. It was much better that Klaus handled it.

He could hear them talking but not what they were talking about. Then there was the sound of drilling. Marc raised his eyebrows. Klaus really was prepared.

A moment later, Kay and Klaus came back out with another holdall full.

‘Did you get everything?’

‘Except my phone. He must have that on him,’ Kay said. He glanced around Marc at the front door. ‘Can we go?’

‘Yeah, come on,’ said Klaus.

Kay put his head down and followed Klaus out. Marc trailed after them, shutting the door behind them. Hopefully, this was the last time he or Kay would have to see that door.

They were down and outside in double-quick time. Kay didn’t say anything until they were outside and away from the entrance to the block.

‘Where are you taking me?’ he asked Klaus.

Marc noticed that he didn’t seem to want to look at him.

‘My place,’ said Klaus. ‘I have a spare room. You can stay with me as long as you need to sort yourself out.’

‘Maybe we should go to hospital,’ said Marc, gently.

‘No,’ snapped Kay. ‘I’m not seeing a doctor.’ He looked at Klaus. ‘Can we go now?’

Klaus nodded. ‘Sure.’ He glanced at Marc. ‘Do you want to follow on?’

Before Marc could say anything, Kay shook his head. ‘No, I don’t want …’ He glanced at Marc and made an apologetic face. ‘I can’t face it today, Marc. I just want to sleep.’

Marc swallowed down his hurt and nodded. ‘Sure. I get it. Can I come to see you tomorrow?’ he asked, evenly.

Kay smiled. ‘Yeah. I’d like that.’

With great effort, Marc stepped away from Kay and got in his car. A moment later, he watched Klaus and Kay get in the other car and drive off. He was about to start his own car, when he saw Rik’s car pull up outside the block of flats with a squeal of breaks. He parked up, leapt out of the car and went running into the building.

Marc smirked. Kay was safe from him now and he was going to stay safe, no matter what.

This was surreal. Kay couldn’t quite believe it. He’d gone from being at Rik’s mercy in that apartment, to sitting next to an almost stranger as he drove him to safety. He didn’t know why he trusted Klaus, except that he did. That was something open and straightforward about the man, nothing manipulative about him. He was the complete opposite to Rik.

But it occurred to him that he had no idea what kind of place he was going to.

‘What’s your place like?’ he asked.

‘It’s a flat in a small block not far away,’ said Klaus. ‘Three bedrooms, separate kitchen diner and a bit lounge.’

‘Three bedrooms?’

‘Uh huh. One for me, one for you and I have a lodger.’ Klaus glanced at him. ‘He’s called Nico. You’ll like him. He’s a couple of years younger than you.’

‘Are you two …’

‘Just friends,’ said Klaus, with a slight smile. ‘He, er, well, he’ll understand what you’re going through. Talk to him. You’ll find it helps.’

‘I just want to put this behind me now,’ said Kay, blankly.

Klaus sighed. ‘I know. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to put it behind you in time.’

Kay didn’t respond to that. He turned to look out of the window and watched the streets pass by. He felt numb, which he supposed was better than feeling the pain he knew his body, and his mind, should be feeling. Numb worked for him. Numb was okay.

He thought about Marc. He’d wanted to fall into Marc’s arms and let him hold him forever but he knew the score there. Marc wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. He’d made that quite plain and Kay knew he had to give it up for a lost cause. Marc was never going to love him and he had to find a way to be all right with that.

They pulled up in a small car park outside a small block of flats. It was a nice area, with a park nearby and a few shops down the street.

‘Here we are,’ said Klaus, getting out of the car.

Kay followed him. Klaus got the bags out of the boot and led the way.

‘Don’t worry,’ he said, with a friendly smile. ‘We’ll get you inside and you can get cleaned up and have a sleep if you want.’

‘Thanks. Could I … could I have something to eat?’

‘Sure. We’ve always got loads in. Just help yourself.’ He looked at Kay. ‘I can make you something if you want to eat straight away.’

‘Yeah, if I could.’

They got into a lift and, even though it was only one floor and very different from the one in the block they’d just left, Kay fought feelings of panic as they ascended.

But soon enough, they were out and Klaus was leading him into his flat.

It was completely different from Rik’s. The floors were carpeted and there were loads of things around, though it was tidy. There were pictures on the walls and a friendly atmosphere. There were no cameras except one on the intercom to vet visitors.

They walked down the short entrance hall and into a cosy lounge, with a large corner sofa, which had lots of throws on it. There was a young man sitting on his, his knee bouncing nervously. He was good-looking, with light brown hair and a slender figure. He was dressed in a t-shirt and leggings, with bare feet.

He jumped up when he heard them and gave Kay a friendly smile. ‘Hi. I’m Nico.’

Kay opened his mouth to reply but a sudden wave of dizziness overcame him and just standing seemed like too much. He swayed and Klaus caught him. His arms were warm and strong around Kay’s waist.

‘Is it food or sleep you need?’ he asked, softly.

‘Sleep,’ he murmured, then there was darkness. He was vaguely aware of Klaus and Nico’s worried voices before he was lifted into Klaus’s strong arms. He relaxed into him, knowing he was safe now; at last he allowed sleep to claim him. 


	51. Chapter 51

Kay woke to the comfortable, cosy feeling of lying in a soft bed. The lights were dim, and the room was quiet. He sat up and looked around. It was a pleasant room. He was in a double bed, with a duvet on top of him. Red curtains had been drawn across the window.

There was a TV stand, with a small TV on it and a chest of drawers. His things, still in the holdall were on top of the chest, in plain sight.

Next to the bed there was a bedside table, with a glass of water and a plate on it. On the plate was a generous helping of crackers and cheese. His stomach immediately let him know how ravenous he was and he realised he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. Rik only gave him food when he was pleased with him and he hadn’t been for a few days.

He ate the cheese and crackers quickly and was having a drink of water when Nico put his head around the door.

‘Oh, you’re awake,’ he said, with a smile. ‘Are you up to getting up?’

‘Yeah.’ He sat up properly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. ‘Where’s Klaus?’

‘In the other room. Do you want me to get him?’

‘Yeah.’

Nico disappeared and Kay pushed himself to his feet. He still felt a little wobbly but much better for the sleep and for some food. He turned and saw there was an ensuite bathroom. He staggered over to it. He found it was a small bathroom, with just a shower, toilet and sink. He had a piss, then splashed his face with cold water. He didn’t look in the mirror.

He heard the bedroom door open and Klaus’s voice. ‘Kay? You in there?’

Kay stepped out. ‘Yeah.’

Klaus gave him the once over. ‘How do you feel?’

He shrugged. ‘I’m okay.’ He met Klaus’s gaze. ‘I want you to take pictures of me.’

Klaus’s eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘Oh, you want to go to the police?’

He shook his head. ‘No, I know what they’re like. If you’re gay, they don’t give a shit.’ He took a breath. ‘No, I want to remember what he did to me.’ He permitted himself a wry grin. ‘For when I want to only remember the good bits.’

Klaus nodded. ‘Good idea.’ He pulled out his phone. ‘Now?’

Kay nodded and began to pull off his clothes. He didn’t want to be able to deny anything to himself. He knew it would be all too easy to allow himself to forget how bad it had been otherwise.

Afterwards, he got dressed in some of his own clothes, as Klaus watched him in concern.

‘I think we need to get you some proper food. What do you fancy?’

Kay shrugged. ‘Whatever you normally have.’

Klaus smiled. ‘Nico and I are easy when it comes to food. You choose. We’ll order in.’

Kay hesitated, then smiled a little. ‘Can we have Thai?’

‘Sure, whatever you like.’

‘I haven’t got much money.’

Klaus waved a hand. ‘Don’t worry about it. We’re happy to look after you until you find your feet.’

Kay felt his cheeks get hot. ‘I don’t know how to … to thank you for helping me.’

‘You don’t need to,’ said Klaus. He gave him a smile, then turned away. ‘Come on. It’s past time you ate a good meal.’

Kay felt much more like himself in his proper clothes and, soon, he was sitting on the large corner sofa and eating a takeaway with his new housemates as they watched some comedic talk show. It was something he didn’t need to pay much attention to but which made him laugh a bit here and there.

It made Nico laugh a lot. He was curled up at the other end of the sofa, often forgetting about his food as he was giggling too much. Kay found himself smiling as he looked at him. He wanted to be that carefree again. He was sure he had been like that once. Would he ever be able to again?

There was something about Nico which made him curious. Klaus had said Nico understood what he was going through. Did that mean he’d been through something similar?

Kay did want to talk about it, or rather he didn’t but he knew he had to. If Nico were willing to listen, if he understood some of it already, that would help. Kay already felt comfortable around him, like he did with Klaus. He smiled. Yes, he was with good people now. He was going to be all right.

Marc hadn’t been able to keep his mind off Kay for the rest of the day. To distract himself, he’d rung work to tell them he’d been in the next day and had sat at his dining table planning his lessons for the next week.

Klaus had texted him late in the afternoon to say that Kay was safe and was sleeping, but there had been no communication since. Marc wanted to text. He wanted to call, to ask to speak to Kay, to make sure he really was okay. But he didn’t want to crowd him.

That was the last thing Kay needed. Marc didn’t know what Kay needed but, whatever it was, he wanted to provide it. Maybe when Kay had improved physically, they could go running again and just enjoy the time together. He was certain that would help Kay recover. 

He felt a throb of anger as he thought of the state Kay had been in. It was just the physical injuries, though they were horrific. It was the fact that, in order to be able to cause those injuries, Rik must have systematically broken Kay down emotionally. The Kay that Marc had known, back before all this, had been one of the toughest people he’d ever known. Without that emotional breakdown, Kay would have fought any physical attack, no matter what.

At that thought, the urge to contact Kay was overtaken by only one other; the urge to go to Rik’s place and beat the shit out of him.


	52. Chapter 52

For the past week, Kay had done nothing but eat, sleep, and hang out with Klaus and Nico. They both worked but there was always one of them home. He didn’t know whether they’d organised that on purpose for him, or that was always their schedule. Either way, it was nice not to have to be along with the fear that plagued him day and night.

He hated feeling like that. It wasn’t _him_. Somehow, he’d lost who he was and he had to find it again. Klaus told him there was no rush but Kay felt like there was. Life was short and he didn’t want to spend more of it than he had to in getting over the shit that had happened to him.

There was a nice routine about life with Klaus and Nico. Kay kept waking early, partly from habit and partly because he found it difficult to lie still in bed once he was awake. He didn’t like to feel off his guard.

But whatever time he got up, Nico was up already. Usually watching TV with a bowl of cereal. Often, Kay joined him. There was something comforting about sitting on a big soft sofa watching mindless TV with a friend.

Nico was a friend. He’d only known him for a few days but he was so easy-going and friendly that Kay found himself thinking of him as a friend very quickly. He seemed to understand him pretty well too. He never probed into what he was feeling or why he was up so early but when Kay sat beside him on that sofa, Nico would give him a gentle little nudge with his elbow, just letting him know he was there.

A few days after his arrival, Klaus gave him a basic smartphone. ‘You might as well have this. It’s my old one. I’ll sort you out a data plan for it if you like?’

Kay smiled warmly. ‘Thanks.’ He hesitated. ‘Have you … got Marc’s number? I bet he’s wondering how I am.’

Klaus smiled. ‘Yeah. He has been asking me. I’ve told him you’re doing well, because you are.’

He shrugged. ‘I’m doing okay. Do you think … maybe I could go running with him again?’

Klaus made a sympathetic expression and put his arm around his shoulders. ‘Kay, you can do whatever you like.’

His heart sinking, Kay pulled a face as he realised what he’d said. When you got used to being controlled, it was sometimes hard to remember that he wasn’t anymore. That was the worst bit. If Rik had just beat him up, he could have handled that, just shrugged it off and moved on, like the night his dad had chucked him out of the house. But the way he’d inserted himself into Kay’s mind, changing the way he thought, the way he felt about himself, that wasn’t so easy to shrug off.

He didn’t contact Marc straight away, not completely sure what reception he would get. He’d pushed him away after he’d arranged to get him out. Part of him enjoyed the payback of rejecting Marc the way he’d been rejected, but it was a small part. Mostly, he felt guilty, though he wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as if Marc loved him or anything. They were just friends. That was it.

His first weekend, he thought about asking Marc to go running but he knew that, physically, he wasn’t up to it yet. He still had dizzy spells and his injuries were still healing. He needed to put on some weight as well.

Klaus reassured him that he didn’t need to contact Marc until he was ready and that he’d been telling Marc that Kay was doing okay and he didn’t need to worry about him.

Wednesday evening of his second week, Kay was watching TV with Nico when he decided to bite the bullet and text Marc.

_Hi_ , he typed. _It’s Kay. I got a new phone._

He didn’t know what else to put so he sent that. Marc’s message came back within a minute.

_Hi! It’s so good to hear from you. How are you? Or is that a dumb question?_

Kay smiled. _Not a dumb question. I’m getting there. Klaus and Nico are great. I miss you._

Wincing, he deleted the last three words and deliberated over what to put. _I miss normal life._

This time there was longer before the reply came. _I guess it’s time to make a new normal. Have you thought about going back to work? They seem to like you there._

How did Marc know that? Kay wondered. He hadn’t even thought about work but it would be good to get back, get into a routine and be independent again. He had never realised how much he would miss his independence.

_Yeah, I probably will if they’ll take me back in a few weeks. I was thinking, would you like to go running this weekend?_

_I’d love to but are you ready for that? I don’t want you to rush your recovery. You lost loads of weight you know._

Kay winced. He knew. Why did Marc have to remind him about it?

‘All right?’ Nico asked, nudging him gently.

Kay glanced at him. ‘I asked Marc if he wanted to go running. I don’t think he wants to.’

Nico frowned. ‘Can I see?’ he asked.

Kay showed him the phone screen and Nico grinned. ‘Nah, he wants to. He’s just worried about you.’ He looked Kay up and down. ‘Maybe he’s right. Suggest a walk instead.’

‘Good idea,’ said Kay.

_How about a walk? The fresh air would be good and you know how much I love those woods._

_I know. How about Saturday? Usual time?_

_Can we make it a bit later? About 8?_

_Sure, looking forward to it_

_Me too x_

Kay looked at his last message, then deleted the kiss before he sent it.

He put his phone down and leaned back against the sofa. He had a date. Well, no, a friendly meet up. That was all it was. Just friends.

Nico put his arm around his shoulders. ‘What’s the deal with you and this Marc guy?’

Kay glanced at him. ‘Oh, nothing much. He’s just the love of my life who rejected me in favour of living his heteronormative lifestyle with his girlfriend. Uh, fiancé.’

‘Woah, boy,’ said Nico and whistled. ‘And I thought you had problems with abusive arsehole boyfriends but deeply closeted? That’s serious shit.’

Kay laughed, shaking his head. He gave Nico a friendly shove. ‘Schwachkopf.’ 


	53. Chapter 53

Kay missed having a car. He didn’t care what car but anything to stop him from having to be reliant on lifts. Klaus dropped him off to the woods.

‘Give me a shout when you’re ready to come home.’ He smiled. ‘Or maybe Marc will give you a lift.’

Kay gave him a look. ‘Klaus, Marc and I are friends. That’s it.’

Klaus just smiled more. ‘Yeah, whatever you say. But Marc cares about you, you know. Really cares. Maybe there is more there than you think.’

He shrugged. ‘Marc’s straight. Or rather, he wants to be and that might as well be the same thing.’ He found Klaus’s hand and squeezed it for a second. ‘Don’t worry about me, Klaus. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Marc’s only ever going to be my friend.’

‘If that’s how you feel about it, but it doesn’t do to be closed to possibilities, you know.’

Kay smiled. ‘I know. But I’m happy just having friends now. I don’t need a boyfriend.’

He got out of the car and walked to where he’d arranged to meet Marc. It was going to be different to just walk with him. More room for conversation and no worries about having to keep to a certain pace for Rik.

When he saw Marc, the first thing he noticed was how anxious he looked. He was pacing up and down, running his hands through his hair constantly.

‘Careful,’ Kay said. ‘You’ll wear yourself out before we even start.’

Marc stopped and turned to look at him. His whole face brightened. ‘Kay!’ He came over to him and looked him over. ‘How are you feeling?’

Kay shrugged. ‘I’m okay. Physically I’ve pretty much healed.’ He patted his stomach. ‘And Klaus and Nico have been feeding me up.’

Marc smiled. ‘You look good. Really good.’

‘Thanks.’ He sighed. ‘Emotionally I’ve got some way to go, I think.’

‘It’ll take time,’ said Marc, softly. ‘Don’t push yourself too quick.’

‘That’s what Klaus and Nico say. Shall we start? I miss exercise.’

Marc nodded. ‘Yeah. Come on. Nice easy pace.’

They started to walk, side by side along the path they had run along so often. Kay found himself thinking back to that time. They had both been carefree then, just spending time together and not worrying about anything. It had been when he’d started to push for more that everything had started to go wrong. Maybe it was time he accepted that he might not ever find someone to love him like that, but he could have friends and maybe that mattered more.

‘It’s so peaceful here,’ said Marc, looking up at the trees. ‘It sorta makes you feel like there’s nothing to worry about.’

‘I’m not worrying anymore,’ he said. ‘I’ve spent too much time feeling anxious and frightened. I don’t want to do it anymore.’

Marc was quiet for a moment. ‘I could kill him for what he did to you,’ he spat.

Kay blinked, surprised by the strength of feeling in Marc’s voice. Maybe he really did care? He reached out and put his hand on Marc’s arm. ‘It’s all right,’ he said. ‘I’m still here. I got through it.’

Marc stopped and looked at him and his blue eyes seemed to darken as he looked at Kay. ‘You’re so strong. That’s what I’ve always … admired about you. You don’t care what anybody thinks.’

‘I do care. Everybody cares what people think about them. That’s normal. It’s just we’ve all got to learn to be true to ourselves over anybody else.’

Marc just gazed at him and Kay felt something pass between them. But he wasn’t sure what it was. He knew he still loved Marc, with all his heart. But Marc couldn’t allow himself to love him back. That was just how it was.

Maybe Marc wanted to start fucking again, when he was better. He probably missed that. Kay missed it too but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just be a fuck buddy or an exciting little secret in Marc’s marriage. The urge was almost irresistible, but he could resist, for the sake of his own heart. It was about time he started looking after himself for a change.

He turned away from Marc’s gaze and they kept on walking. ‘I’m thinking about going back to work soon,’ he said, in an effort to change the subject. ‘If they’ll take me.’

‘I’m sure they will. Stefan thinks a lot of you.’

Kay shrugged. ‘I’ve always been good at my job. If it’s not there, I’ll get something somewhere. Just one more step in getting my life back together.’

‘Do you think you’ll stay with Klaus and Nico?’

‘Yeah, for a while anyway. They’re good friends, good company.’

‘Is that all they are to you? Just friends. I know you and Klaus …’

Kay glanced at him. Was that jealousy he could hear in Marc’s voice?

‘We’re just friends. They’re good for me, I think. They understand a lot of what I’ve been through.’

‘I want to understand too,’ said Marc. ‘I want to help.’

‘I know. But you’ve got your own life to think about too. You’ve got your fiancé. What’s her name?’

‘Julia. She works in a bookshop but she wants to be a librarian.’

‘She sounds nice. You can have a happy life with her.’

Marc’s breath caught in his throat and he didn’t reply.

‘When’s the wedding?’ Kay asked, trying not to sound petulant.

‘Er, we haven’t arranged anything yet.’

‘Does she know anything about me?’

Marc stared at him. ‘Of course not!’

Kay shrugged. ‘Why not? We’re just friends, aren’t we?’

Marc’s ears turned pink and he scuffed at the ground. ‘Yeah,’ he said. He did sound petulant. Kay felt a certain amount of satisfaction. This was what Marc had wanted, this was what he was getting.

With everything that had happened, it had to be this way. He couldn’t think of any way everybody could get what they wanted. Marc had to learn that. They could be friends or nothing but Kay wouldn’t be anybody’s dirty little secret anymore.

He stopped and looked at Marc. ‘Tell her about me,’ he said. ‘Because I’m just a friend. That’s it.’

Marc looked back at him for a moment, then nodded slowly. ‘I’ll tell her. I want to be your friend.’

‘Good.’ Kay smiled. ‘Because I want to be your friend too.’

They carried on walking in companionable quiet for a little while longer before Marc spoke again. ‘Shall we go for a drink after this? I know a nice smoothie bar not far off.’

Kay smiled. Yeah, that was something friends did. That was normal life. ‘Sounds great,’ he said. Yeah, they could be friends. It was something.


	54. Chapter 54

It was three weeks after Rik. Kay hadn’t heard anything from him, nor seen any sight of him and he began to hope that he really had left him alone. Maybe Kay had pissed him off so much in those last few days that he had decided to let him go.

He wanted to take another step. Klaus was home with him that day. After lunch, Kay broached the subject.

‘I was thinking about going to the gym today,’ he said.

Klaus looked curiously at him. ‘To work or work out?’ he asked.

‘I’d like to go back to work but I want to see how I feel about being there first. Last time I went …’ He hesitated and ran his hands through his hair. ‘Well, I kind of had a panic attack and I had to get Rik to come and pick me up.’

‘What were you anxious about?’

Kay took a deep breath. ‘That’d he’d be able to see if I looked at other men.’

‘See? How could he have seen?’

Kay shrugged. ‘Dunno. He just … knew things.’ He looked down at his plate, now empty except for a few crumbs. ‘He knew when you came back to mine.’

Klaus hesitated for a moment before he spoke. ‘Do you think … he had cameras in your place? Like he did in his apartment.’

He shrugged again. ‘That’s the only thing I can think of but I never found any.’

‘Woah. Creepy guy.’

‘Yeah.’ He wished he could do something about him but he knew he was right about what would happen if he went to the police. A big fat nothing, even with evidence.

‘What would you like me to do to help?’ asked Klaus.

This was a common question he asked. Kay appreciated it. It put all the control with him.

‘Would you come with me?’

‘Sure,’ said Klaus with a smile. ‘I could do with a workout.’

Kay grinned. ‘Thanks.’ That was another thing he appreciated about Klaus. He always made it seem like it was no problem at all to do anything for him.

About an hour later, they headed into the gym. With Klaus walking beside him, Kay felt much calmer than the last time he’d been here. There was nothing to worry about. He was safe here with his friend.

He was pleased with the weight he’d put on over the last few weeks. He was beginning to look much more like himself again. Now, he wanted to get some of his muscle back, start to feel strong again.

They headed for the weights. Kay focused on what he was doing, not allowing himself to look around. Nerves jangled in his belly and he knew he wasn’t far from panic.

‘Remember to breathe,’ murmured Klaus. ‘Everything is all right. We’re just going to do a few weights then go for a swim.’

Kay nodded but didn’t say anything.

They had been there for about ten minutes when Kay felt someone’s gaze on him. His heart hammering, he looked up and relaxed. It was Stefan.

‘Kay, it’s good to see you,’ he said with a smile. ‘Could I maybe have a private word?’

‘Oh sure.’ He glanced at Klaus. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

He followed Stefan to his office. His former boss seemed anxious and he kept glancing back onto the training floor until he shut the door behind them.

‘Kay, I’ve been worried about you,’ he said. ‘That boyfriend of yours.’

‘Ex-boyfriend,’ Kay corrected.

A relieved smile spread across Stefan’s face. ‘Oh, I’m glad to hear that. He was no good for you. Er, what about that guy you’re with now?

‘Oh, he’s just a friend.’

‘Oh, good. It’s probably too soon to get into all that, isn’t it?’

Kay chuckled. ‘Yeah, way too soon. But I was thinking of returning to work. I don’t suppose you’d have a job for me?’

Stefan beamed at him. ‘Of course. Take a seat and we’ll go through the particulars.’

Kay took a seat. ‘The only thing is, I’m worried about if he comes here. He does know I worked here.’

‘He’s barred from the gym. So if he does come here, he’ll quickly be shown out. I really value you as an employee, Kay and I’ll do anything to make sure you can stay working for me as long as you want to.’

‘Thanks, I really appreciate that.’

Stefan smiled. ‘Not a problem. Right, how about starting back Monday?’

‘Perfect.’

‘I was going to ask … that guy who came here looking for you. I think he said his name was Marc Borgmann. I gave him your address at Rik’s. Was that … well, I hope that was the right thing to do. He was so worried about you. Desperate to help you.’

Marc had been desperate to help him. Why was that? Just guilt? Or something more.

‘Yeah, you did the right thing, Stefan. He helped me get out. I’m not sure where I’d be if it weren’t for him.’

‘Well, we’re all glad to see you out and getting back to your normal self. If there’s anything I can do to help, you let me know.’

‘I will. Thanks.’

After sorting out various details with Stefan, Kay returned to Klaus, feeling distinctly lighter. Klaus put down the weights he was lifting and grinning at him.

‘Well, you’ve got a bit more of a spring in your step.’

‘Stefan offered me my job back.’

‘And you took it?’

‘I did, and if Rik shows up, Stefan says he’ll be escorted straight back out again.’ He paused. ‘Did you know Marc came here to get my address?’

‘Yeah, he told me. He really cares about you, you know. He couldn’t stand to think of you suffering for one minute.’

‘It doesn’t make any sense to me,’ Kay said. ‘If he really cares that much, why would he never admit it?’

‘Sometimes people make mistakes, Kay, and they don’t know how to fix it.’

Kay sighed. ‘No. I don’t know how to fix it either.’ 

They went for a swim and Kay had hoped to use it to clear his mind but the whole time, length after length, all he could think about was Marc. Could he really just be his friend? Even after all that had happened, all the hurt and the distance, Kay had to admit, he still wanted Marc, more than he’d ever wanted anyone in his whole life.

But he couldn’t go there again. He couldn’t just go to bed with him. If Marc couldn’t find it in himself to be in a proper relationship with him, Kay couldn’t settle for anything less. It would be so easy to just start an affair, to enjoy the part of Marc he could have, but that wasn’t who he was. He’d never met Julia but he couldn’t do that to her. Marc would have to make his own decisions about who he wanted to be with. Kay wasn’t going to push him either way.

But the one thing he did have to do was be completely honest about his own feelings. He had to tell Marc how he felt, and let him decide what he wanted. Then at least he’d know. At least they could make some sort of decision, with their heads or their hearts. At least he’d know Marc wasn’t just following his cock.


	55. Chapter 55

The routine of Marc’s life felt slow and boring. He worked all week and spent most of his weekends with Julia. She always wanted to do the same things. He met her for lunch on Saturday afternoons and Saturday evening they either had a takeaway at his place or he took her out to dinner somewhere. Sundays she liked to go out visiting pretty landmarks or countryside.

It was all getting a bit samey, not just the things they did but the things she said. Her conversations were all the same; stories about the strange things customers did, or all the gossip from the staff. How could he feign interest in gossip about people he’d never met?

She had started to talk about starting a family too. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a family but he was starting to feel like a cage was slowly closing on him.

The only bright spark of his week was Saturday mornings with Kay. It wasn’t as if they did amazing and spectacular things each week. They just walked and talked but somehow, that was something special. Just walking and talking with Kay made him happy.

He still hadn’t told Julia about Kay. There was no real reason why he hadn’t, just that he didn’t want to. It felt like Kay was something special he wanted to keep to himself. Not a secret exactly, just private.

He would tell her eventually. There was no reason not to, was there? And Kay did want him to. He didn’t want to be a secret.

He smiled at Kay as they walked together. It was good to see how much Kay was improving. He was getting strong again. He’d bought some new running clothes and they showed off the muscle he was gaining back in his chest and legs.

Marc spent rather more time than he would admit to anyone imagining how that muscle would feel beneath his hands or his lips or his tongue.

Going back to work had been positive for Kay too. Marc saw how much his confidence had improved again. He was getting to be almost like his old self again. They talked almost non-stop as they walked and Marc even managed to make him laugh a few times. He hadn’t had any panic attacks in a while and he seemed to hold himself more upright and walk with a lighter step these days. He smiled more, even when there was no real reason to.

Maybe there was a real reason for Kay to smile. He was free. He was living the life he wanted now, with nothing holding him back. Marc wished there was nothing holding him back anymore.

He glanced at Kay as they walked and smiled. Kay was looking straight ahead. The sun shone on his face, making his eyes bright and kissing his soft cheeks. Marc remembered what it was like to kiss those cheeks, to feel the short stubble rubbing against his lips.

Marc didn’t know to fix this. The desire for Kay was still there, burning inside him and he couldn’t deny it. He just couldn’t do anything about it.

It should be the simplest thing in the world just to grab Kay and kiss him and tell him how much he loved him. But something stopped him. He had too much to lose. 

Once Kay started work, he fell into an easy routine. He worked Monday to Friday, then spent his evenings at home with Klaus and Nico, watching movies or listening to music together.

They always ate meals together when they were in. Kay liked that. It was much better than eating on his own. It was sometimes difficult to eat when he was on his own. Those were the times when he heard Rik’s voice and he started to ask himself whether he deserved to eat that meal.

He knew he had to be careful. He could so easily slip into the pattern he’d started with Rik. Over-exercising and undereating. But with Klaus and Nico’s help, he was doing okay. In fact, he was even starting to feel happy. He often caught himself just smiling, for no real reason except that he could do what he wanted now and answered to nobody.

He met up with Marc once a week on a Saturday morning. Usually, they just walked and talked. Now that Kay had resolved just to be friends, he was enjoying Marc’s company. He was actually easy to talk to. Conversations just seemed to happen.

Kay smiled, glancing at Marc as they walked side by side along the woodland path. They’d talked about all sorts, from fitness to tv shows to books to politics. It was nice to know they had more in common than just sex. They’d never given themselves the opportunity to find that out before.

He kept thinking about telling Marc how he felt about him but something stopped him. Fear of rejection perhaps? People kept telling him how much Marc cared about him but Marc never said a word. Maybe all this really was guilt.

Marc looked back at him. ‘Shall we head back?’ he asked.

Kay shrugged. ‘Yeah. I’ve worked up an appetite.’

They turned back. Marc was quiet, looking lost in thought. Kay wondered what he was thinking and he felt the urge to poke verbally at him to try and get him to confess his thoughts.

‘Have you told Julia about me yet?’

Marc started, stopping for a moment, before he recovered himself and carried on. ‘Er, not yet. I will though. There’s no reason not to, is there?’

He looked sideways at Kay.

Kay looked away and shrugged. ‘Not that I know of.’ He felt Marc watching him for a moment but when he looked back, he wasn’t looking at him anymore.

They carried on, another walk at its end. Maybe soon he’d be able to run again. He missed the exhilaration of the run. As they came to the end of the path and neared the car park, Kay heard a car engine. Must be Klaus, coming to pick him up.

It was only as they cleared the trees and reached the car park that he realised he hadn’t told Klaus he was ready to go yet.


	56. Chapter 56

The world seemed to slow down as Kay watched the familiar car pull up and park. He stood still, staring, as Rik got out of the car, leaned against it and smiled at him.

‘Ah, good morning, mein Engel. So this is why you left me? You found someone else to fuck you.’

Kay felt his face flush and his heart began to thump painfully. Rik just looked at him, that self-satisfied smile on his face and Kay felt as though he were right back under Rik’s control. He tried to speak but he couldn’t make his mouth work. His chest felt tight and it was difficult to take a breath. Rik’s smile widened, like he knew exactly what he was doing to him.

Marc took a step closer to him, deliberately brushing their shoulders together. ‘Are you all right? Do you want me to get rid of him?’

Kay shook his head. He swallowed several times, then managed to make his voice work. Marc’s presence helped.

‘What do you want, Rik?’ he asked, trying to keep his voice level.

Rik smirked, then straightened and covered the distance between them in a slow, measured stride. Kay felt Marc tense beside him.

As he drew level with them, Rik reached into his pocket and brought something out. ‘You left something of yours behind.’ He gave Kay a superficially friendly smile. ‘I thought you might want it, since you said it was so important to you.’

Kay frowned. ‘What is it?’ Could it be his phone?

Rik lightly chucked the object at him and Kay caught it before he realised what it was.

‘Your collar,’ said Rik, as Kay stared at the glinting chain.

Kay’s face burned with the shame of Marc seeing that, of him knowing what it was.

Rik smirked at him. ‘Like I said, mein Engel, thought you might want it. You know, now you’re _his_ little slut instead of mine.’

Kay didn’t know what to say but, before he could, he felt Marc move suddenly beside him.

‘You fucking bastard,’ Marc spat, then he drew back his fist and punched Rik hard in the face.

Kay blinked, then smiled as blood spurted from Rik’s nose and his smarmy grin disappeared.

‘You’re going to regret that,’ he said.

Marc shrugged. ‘Maybe I am but right now all I can think about is how good it felt so if I were you, I’d fuck off before I feel like enjoying myself a bit more.’

Rik scowled at him, wiping the blood from his face. ‘Expect a visit from the police. You won’t get away with this.’

Marc just shrugged. ‘Why don’t you try to sound even more like a cartoon villain?’ he said, in an offhand way.

Kay held back his grin. Rik didn’t like that. In fact he looked like he wanted to hit Marc back but he didn’t dare. He scowled again, cast a disgusted look at Kay, then returned to his car and drove off.

Kay looked at Marc. ‘Maybe you shouldn’t have done that. If he goes to the police …’

‘And says what? His word against ours, right?’ He smiled at Kay. ‘Anyway, even if the police do give me a rap on the knuckles, I still wouldn’t regret giving that piece of shit a tiny taste of what he deserves.’

Kay looked back at him. There was a passion in his eyes that he wasn’t used to seeing in Marc.

‘I’m sorry I was useless,’ he said.

Marc shook his head. ‘You weren’t useless. Anyway, it’s not like you couldn’t take him if it came to it.’

Kay bit his lip. ‘There’s a difference between knowing I can physically and … emotionally being able to stand up to him.’

Marc’s face softened. ‘I know. But all that stuff he told you, none of it’s true.’

Kay hung his head. ‘You wouldn’t say that if you knew the things I’d done with him. That time you saw me, it wasn’t the only time he took me somewhere like that. And I let him do it. I let him do all sorts of things to me.’

‘Yeah, and I saw what he did to you if you refused. You didn’t choose to do those things because you wanted to. He was getting off on making you feel like that and that’s all on him, not you.’ He lowered his head to catch Kay’s eye. ‘You’re not a slut, Kay.’

Kay looked up and into Marc’s gaze. ‘Then what am I?’ he asked.

Marc looked surprised, then his jaw set firmly. ‘You’re a person, Kay, a person who deserves to be happy … and to be loved.’

Kay didn’t know what to say. His heart ached, because the only person he wanted to be loved by was Marc, but the other man couldn’t do that, and he never would be able to.

Marc held his gaze and his eyes darkened with something Kay didn’t dare to name. He swallowed as if psyching himself up for something.

Kay couldn’t stand it. He looked down, anything to break that gaze, and he realised he was still holding the collar. The silver chain glinted mockingly in the sun. ‘What do I do with this?’ he asked.

Marc was silent for a moment, then he took a breath. ‘Is it really a collar?’ His voice was an almost horrified whisper.

Kay didn’t look at him. He nodded, then gave a half-shrug, trying to downplay it. ‘It was my Valentine’s present.’

‘That fucking piece of shit,’ spat Marc. ‘He doesn’t deserve to even look at you, never mind …’ He trailed off.

Kay looked up and saw Marc was staring at the collar. Then he looked up ant met his gaze. ‘Throw it away. Here and now, just throw it as far as you like. Never look at it again.’

Kay looked down at it, then shook his head. ‘No. It doesn’t belong here, not in our woods. I’m just going to chuck it in a bin with the dog shit. That’s where it belongs.’

Marc grinned at him. He took a step forward, bridging the small gap between them and looked at Kay. ‘Good decision. That prick doesn’t own you and he never did.’

Kay smiled. ‘Thanks.’ He sighed. ‘You’ve done so much for me and I don’t know how I could ever thank you enough.’

Marc gave him one of those soft smiles, the sort he used to give him when they lay in bed together in post-orgasmic bliss. ‘You don’t need to,’ he whispered, then he leaned in and kissed the corner of Kay’s mouth; a sweet, tender and all too brief kiss, which made Kay’s heart flutter.

Then Marc was pulling away and turning back to his car. ‘Come on. Let’s find somewhere suitably shitty to throw that thing before we go for a smoothie. My treat.’

‘No, my treat,’ said Kay with a grin. ‘I’m earning now, remember.’

Marc chuckled. ‘True.’

‘And we’re getting doughnuts,’ he added. ‘Because we fucking deserve to have what we want out of life.’

Marc laughed. ‘And if what you want is doughnuts, you shall have them.’

Kay grinned, getting into the car with Marc. Nobody was going to tell him what he couldn’t have any more, not ever. He wasn’t going to think about what that kiss meant or what was going to happen next. He was just going to enjoy these good feelings now he could have them again.


	57. Chapter 57

The smoothie bar was busy so they got takeout and sat in the car with their drinks and a box of doughnuts to share. Marc had watched Kay throw that so-called present into a bin and walk away from it looking lighter.

Marc did know a little bit about the kink scene, even though he’d only really been into it with Kay, and he knew that some people did enjoy collars. But everything Rik did seemed to be a mockery of the fun, the trust, and the love involved between couples in the lifestyle. All he wanted to do was hurt people.

He watched Kay as he sucked his smoothie through a straw and watched the people pass the car, busy with their own lives. He seemed deep in thought and Marc wondered what he was thinking about. Did he spend a lot of time tortured by memories of the things Rik had done to him? Did he think about how it had gone wrong between himself and Marc? Did he blame Marc for pushing him towards Rik?

Marc wanted to just talk to him, the way they used to. Before, Marc had just thought of what they did as nothing but sex but, looking back, he could see it was more than that. They’d spent hours just talking or holding each other and gazing into each other’s faces.

They hadn’t gone out places, unless you counted running, but when it was just the two of them, they were so together, like any other couple in love.

Marc swallowed. There was that word again, in his head. It kept appearing when he wasn’t concentrating, just popping up and forcing itself into his conscious mind. It was always about Kay. 

He looked away, grabbed a doughnut, and bit into it. Vanilla cream. Not his favourite but nice enough. It was enough to stop him just blurting out feelings he couldn’t commit to.

‘This is nice,’ said Kay. ‘Just sitting and not having to worry about anything.’

Marc swallowed his mouthful. ‘Yeah,’ he said, then hesitated. ‘Do you … you spend a lot of time worrying?’

Kay glanced at him and shrugged. ‘Sometimes. I feel like I’m getting stronger though.’ He smiled. ‘You’re helping.’

‘I am?’

‘Yeah. You’re being a good friend. It’s nice. I needed more friends, I think. If I’d had friends around me before, they never would have let me get into that situation with Rik.’

‘Yeah. How did … how did that happen anyway, Kay? How did you get so involved with him?’ He wanted to ask _was it my fault,_ but he didn’t dare. He was too afraid of the answer.

Kay took a deep breath. He leaned back in his seat, looking up at the car ceiling for a moment before he spoke. ‘I was looking for something. For a while I thought I’d found it in Rik but, well I was wrong.’

Marc watched him. He felt somehow that Kay was giving him an out, a get-out clause to not face what had happened between them. He could easily take it, just run from the truth, but maybe he’d done enough hiding.

‘Was it my fault?’ he asked, at last. ‘Was it all because of me?’

Kay looked at him, holding his gaze for a long moment, then he sighed. ‘That’s really two separate questions.’

Marc shrugged, though inside he was bracing himself. ‘Then answer them both.’

Kay put down his smoothie cup and stared ahead for a long moment before he spoke. ‘It wasn’t your fault. I even know it wasn’t my fault, though that’s harder to accept. It was Rik’s fault. He’s the one who chose … to do what he did.’

‘I’m glad you don’t think it’s your fault,’ said Marc, quietly.

Kay bit his lip. ‘Yeah. Still working on getting myself to believe that but Klaus says it’s a process.’ He looked suddenly at Marc. ‘But it was because of you, in a way.’

Marc swallowed hard, not able to find the words. But Kay wasn’t finished yet.

‘You hurt me, Marc. You really hurt me and being with Rik was a reaction to that.’

‘Oh,’ said Marc, feeling as though his heart was breaking. The knowledge of how much he’d hurt Kay felt like a ragged blade being plunged into his heart.

‘But it’s worse than that,’ said Kay.

Marc watched him, hanging on his every word.

‘You hurt yourself and you’re still doing it, because you can’t be honest about who you are, not even to yourself. This isn’t about you and me, Marc, it’s about whether you can cope with going through the rest of your life never being honest with yourself. Is your family’s opinion worth that? Is your job worth that?’

Marc couldn’t speak. How could Kay just go right to the heart of the matter like that? He was definitely different than he used to be. The old Kay never would have been so blunt with him.

‘I guess you’re done wasting your life now,’ said Marc, his voice horribly hoarse. ‘I guess you’re living for what you want now.’

Kay looked at him and smiled. ‘I am. And Marc, you can too, you know.’ He reached out and tenderly wiped a little dusted sugar from the corner of Marc’s mouth.

Marc thought about that kiss he’d sneaked, just at the corner of Kay’s soft pink mouth. He didn’t even know why he’d done it, except that he just had this urge that he couldn’t ignore. He felt butterflies in his belly at Kay’s gentle and loving touch. There was something so intimate about that touch that all Marc wanted to do was grab Kay and kiss him until they were both breathless.

But something stopped him. It was time he was going home, so he could shower and change before meeting Julia for lunch.

‘You want me to drop you off home?’ he asked, deliberately breaking the moment.

Kay gave him a friendly smile. ‘Sure. Thanks. I’m getting my own car in a couple of weeks so you won’t have to run me anywhere then.’

‘I don’t mind,’ said Marc. ‘It’s the least I can do.’ _It’s the least I would do for you._

Again, that four-letter word popped up in his mind. This time it wasn’t a quiet little suggestion in the back of his mind, a little reminder in his ear. No, this time, was a great big flashing neon sign in Pride colours. _Love_.


	58. Chapter 58

Kay let the door swing shut behind him, took his shoes and jacket off at the door and went into the lounge to sit on the sofa. There was no one else in there. He supposed he should text Klaus to let him know he was home but he felt like he had too much to think about. Klaus wouldn’t be waiting around for him anyway. He did sometimes get a lift home with Marc.

Marc. He’d defended him and then he’d kissed him. Okay, so it was just a chaste, sweet kiss on the corner of his mouth but still … it meant something. Didn’t it?

But no, he couldn’t afford to let himself fall again, not without knowing how Marc felt. He couldn’t let himself get hurt like that again. He had to be sensible about this. He had to protect his heart.

_Surely, it was easier when you didn’t have to make these kinds of decisions,_ murmured Rik’s mocking voice in his head. _It was easier when you just had to obey me. You always knew what I wanted_.

‘Ugh, shut up!’ Kay shouted aloud.

‘Kay?’ Nico said, his tone concerned.

Kay looked round and saw his friend standing in the lounge doorway, frowning at him.

‘Are you all right, Kay?’

Kay shrugged. ‘Who knows?’

Nico watched him for a moment, then came into the room. ‘Is it all right if I sit with you?’ he asked.

Kay nodded. ‘Sure.’

Nico sat next to him on the sofa and touched his arm lightly. ‘Having a difficult moment?’

‘Yeah.’ He let his head fall back against the sofa. ‘Sometimes I think it might have been easier to let myself be controlled. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything.’

‘I think we all feel like that at some point,’ said Nico, softly. ‘The unknown can be scarier than the pain we know.’

‘Yeah.’

Nico shifted a little closer and put his arm around his shoulders. ‘Kay, I understand. Really, I do. So, whatever it is that’s bothering you, you really need to tell me. It’ll help, I promise.’

‘I know you’ve been through something similar but …’

‘No, Kay, I haven’t been through similar. I’ve been through exactly the same,’ he said, meaningfully.

Kay sat up properly and looked at him. ‘You don’t mean … you and Rik?’

Nico nodded. ‘Yeah. I escaped a year ago.’

‘I … I don’t know what to say.’

Nico shrugged. ‘You don’t really need to say anything. Look, Rik gets you to believe things about yourself, that you’re useless without him, that you can’t do anything without him, because that’s what he gets off on. But he doesn’t know you, Kay. He doesn’t really know any of us, because he doesn’t want to. He sees only what we can do for him. But we’re more than that. Much more than that.’

Kay watched him for a moment in silence. Nico was younger than him and, in some ways, so innocent. Sometimes he could be so sweet and innocent, but then he’d have these moments of wisdom and it was clear he understood much more about the world than he should.

He leaned forward and gave Nico a soft, sweet kiss on the lips. Nico put his arms around Kay’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. For a moment they shared their breath, both keeping their eyes closed as they felt each other.

‘You’re so strong, Nico,’ Kay murmured.

Nico touched his cheek gently. ‘So are you, Kay, or you wouldn’t be here now.’

Kay was silent for a moment, trying to let those words sink in. Then he pulled away and gave his friend a rueful smile. ‘Why is it so easy for someone to tear us down, yet so hard to be built back up again?’

Nico shrugged. ‘One of those things.’ He sighed, leaning against Kay. ‘I don’t think you need to wait to be whole again before you go after what you want.’

‘I used to be that person who pursued what I wanted and usually got it. But I don’t think he wants me back anymore.’

‘You talking about Marc?’

Kay nodded, turning his gaze away and staring wistfully into mid-air.

Nico nudged him. ‘He does want you. Anyone can see that.’

Kay looked at him and gave him a wry smile. ‘Anyone but Marc himself. He knows how I feel. Now it’s up to him, I guess.’ He took a deep breath. ‘But I’ve got to carry on, whatever Marc does. You’re right. I am strong. Maybe I’m stronger because of Rik.’ He huffed. ‘Not that I’ll be thanking him for that.’

Marc sat opposite Julia and listened to the sound of her talking, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying. It was the same old stuff. Gossip from work, awkward customers, what colours would suit the house she’d found for them to move into together.

He felt like his life was moving forward all by itself like he was on a train being taken in a direction he hadn’t chosen, and he didn’t know how to get off.

Kay had told him he should tell Julia about him, that since they were just friends, there was no reason she shouldn’t know.

Except there was, because Marc felt like he was having an affair, even though he’d done nothing with Kay since being with Julia. But the feelings he was having told him otherwise. What was that phrase? Emotional affair.

He reminded himself what his parents would say, how difficult they would find it. He thought about what the other teachers at school would say, how the rumours would go round the kids, how the head would make that pursed lips, disapproving face at him and talk about ‘the family values and ethos of the school’. 

But no matter what he told himself, Kay’s face kept coming back to him. In his imagination, those bright blue eyes shone; those soft lips curled into a gentle smile; his blond stubble tickled his mouth; his golden hair glinted in the sunlight.

Marc remembered how it felt to touch his body, to stroke and tease him, to bury himself inside him, and each memory was precious. But it was the feel of Kay’s mouth against his that Marc thought about, the warm weight of him in his arms, and the scent of him as Marc had buried his nose in his hair.

‘Julia,’ he said, interrupting her steady stream of one-sided conversation.

She blinked at him. ‘What?’

He took a deep breath and, no longer even thinking about what he was going to do, just said it. ‘Julia, I’m in love with someone else.’

She stared at him, her mouth falling open. ‘What?’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, not allowing himself to think about what he was saying, even though his pulse was racing. ‘But it would have been worse to carry on.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll go and pay the bill.’ He paused, looking down at her for a moment. ‘I really am sorry. This isn’t what you deserve. You deserve someone who really loves you. I just can’t be that for you.’

He picked up his jacket and walked away from her, stopping to pay the bill at the bar before he walked out. He couldn’t be the person she deserved, but he could be the person Kay deserved. Or … he hoped he could.

But how could he convince Kay to trust him with his heart again?


	59. Chapter 59

Marc had spent the rest of Saturday afternoon sitting at his kitchen table, planning his lessons and trying to keep his mind off Kay. The last thing he wanted to do was rush things. After all Kay had been through, he didn’t want to pressure him, or push him away. He kept considering whether to text Kay and invite him out the next day, maybe for another walk. Then he could casually let slip that he’d broken things off with Julia.

He wasn’t even sure why he had suddenly been able to do that. It was like he’d been staring something in the face for ages but only just realised what it was. He was in love with Kay and now that he’d said it to himself, not to mention sort of saying it out loud to Julia, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised before. He’d been in love with Kay for months, since before the breakup. Maybe even since the first time they’d been together.

It was about six that evening when his phone started ringing. It was Julia. He didn’t want to speak to her but guilt throbbed in his belly and he knew he had to.

‘Hello,’ he said.

‘Are you having an affair?’ she asked. Her voice had a hard edge to it but also sounded wobbly, like she was trying not to cry.

Marc felt his jaw tense and he forced himself to relax. He had to be calm about this and not make the upset worse. He owed her that much.

‘No. Nothing’s happened with anyone else, I’m just … I’m sorry but I never should have asked you to marry me. I was … I am still in love with my ex.’

‘So you used me.’

‘I didn’t mean to. I’m really sorry. If I could do anything to make it better.’

‘Are you sure you’re not just … getting cold feet about getting married? Maybe it’s just all been too quick for you.’

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was starting to get a tension headache. ‘It’s nothing to do with that. I just know we wouldn’t be happy together.’

‘This woman. Who is she?’

Marc hesitated. He could lie, just tell her some story. Or he could tell her about Kay but avoid using pronouns. Without him spelling it out, she’d just assume.

Or he could be honest.

‘Julia … it’s a man. I’m in love with a man.’

There was a long silence.

‘You’re … you’re gay? You’re in your thirties. How could you not know you were gay?’ she demanded.

He bit his lip. ‘It’s not that I’m gay. I guess I’m bisexual, but the label doesn’t matter. I’m in love with a man and that’s all that matters.’

There was another long silence, and he could hear her crying.

‘I’m sorry, Julia. I never wanted to hurt you.’

‘Well, you did,’ she said and put the phone down.

Marc flung the phone down on the kitchen table and went to sit on the sofa. With a heavy sigh, he collapsed onto it and put his head in his hands. How had he made such a mess of this? Why was he such a coward? He could have just faced up to his feelings from the beginning and avoided all this pain. He’d hurt Kay, Julia, and himself.

How was he going to fix this?

His phone started to ring again. For a moment, he just sat there, not wanting yet another conversation about this, but the thought occurred to him that it could be Kay needing him, so he got up and crossed to the table to pick it up.

It was his parents. He groaned. A conversation with them was the last thing he wanted today. He took a deep breath and answered it. If he was inviting him and Julia for Sunday lunch, he’d have to tell them.

‘Hello.’

‘Marc, how could you?’ demanded his father, his voice very close to shouting. ‘Your mother’s in tears. Julia is beside herself. What _is_ all this nonsense she’s talking about?’

‘We broke up. She wasn’t right for me,’ said Marc, trying to keep his voice calm.

‘Not right for you? What’s wrong with you? She’s a lovely girl. Perfect for you. She says you told her you’re in love with a man? Shame on you. If she’s not right, you could at least be honest with her instead of making up stories.’

_Well, this isn’t how I planned to come out to my parents. I didn’t plan to come out at all._

‘I didn’t make anything up,’ he said, levelly. ‘It’s the truth. I’m in love with a man.’

There was a long silence. He seemed to be provoking a lot of those lately.

‘Call me back when you’re planning on talking sense,’ his father snapped, then hung up on him.

Marc sighed. Well, that could have gone better. Why would nobody believe him? Was it worth coming out if it was this difficult? What if Kay wasn’t even interested in being with him? He would be doing all this for nothing.

He wished he had somebody to talk to about this but there was nobody.

He needed to talk to Kay but he had to make himself wait for their next meet up next week. He had to take this slow and cautiously.

Kay jerked awake with a soft cry. For a moment, he lay there in the dark, trying to orientate himself. He was in his room in the flat where he lived with Klaus and Nico. He wasn’t with Rik. He was safe.

His t-shirt was soaked with sweat but he didn’t want to strip or get in the shower. It was too close to the dream he’d had.

He got up and left his bedroom. He sneaked out into the living room and went to pour himself a glass of water, trying to calm his shaking body. He’d been having these dreams ever since that encounter with Rik in the woods, a few days ago now. He hated them. They made him feel weak and helpless. The memories pulsed in his head and he couldn’t get away from them.

‘Hey, you all right?’ asked Nico’s soft voice.

Kay glanced across at him. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.’

‘It’s all right.’ He crossed to him, reaching out and touching his shoulder. ‘Kay, you’re soaking. Go and have a shower.’

Kay shook his head. ‘I don’t think I can. He … he punished me in the shower sometimes.’

Nico nodded. ‘Yeah. That’s one of his things. Stops it being messy.’ He reached for Kay’s hand and laced their fingers together. ‘Come on. I’ll help you.’

Kay put down his glass of water and let Nico lead him to his bedroom. Kay hadn’t been in here before but it was quite similar to his own, except with more stuff. Nico liked stuff and he had lots of books and a few teetering stacks of CDs.

The bathroom was a little bigger than Kay’s, with bright blue paint on the walls and cartoon fish on the tiles.

Nico grinned at him. ‘I decorated last summer. What do you think?’

Kay laughed. ‘It’s cute.’

Nico grinned at him, then reached for Kay’s shirt and pulled it over his head. Kay kept his gaze on him as his friend undressed him, then himself.

The shower was a largeish cubicle and Kay felt his heart rate increase as they walked across to it but Nico left the door open so they wouldn’t be closed in and tugged Kay gently under the hot spray.

Kay closed his eyes and let the water wash away the cold sweat from his body. Nico’s hands were soft on his waist as he held him.

Kay felt warmth spread through him and it wasn’t just the hot water. It was the feeling of somebody caring about you.

Keeping his eyes closed, he leaned in and kissed Nico softly on his lips. Nico responded and, in a few seconds, they were sharing tender kisses eagerly. Nico’s hand caressed his chest, a slow and gentle touch. For the first time in a very long time, Kay felt his cock respond eagerly.

How long had it been since he’d felt this kind of tenderness?

‘Is this all right?’ Nico asked, his voice a whisper.

Kay nodded. He pushed forward, claiming Nico’s mouth in a rougher but still tender kiss. Nico slipped his hand between them and grasped Kay’s cock, slowly moving his hand up and down.

Kay reached for him too, sliding his fingers across his hip, down his thigh and across to take his cock in a firm grip.

They moved together, gasping into each other’s mouths and thrusting into each other’s hands. The water rained down on them and it was all heat and softness.

They came together, soft cries filling the small space. Nico kissed his mouth tenderly and smiled against him.

‘Just a little stress relief between friends,’ he said.

Kay opened his eyes and saw Nico’s cheeky grin. He laughed, then they were both giggling as the water finished cleaning them off.

As they got out, Nico laced his fingers through Kay’s again. ‘Stay with me tonight. You don’t have to be alone.’

‘Thanks, Nico. You’re the best friend I could hope for.’

Nico grinned as he chucked Kay a towel. ‘Maybe I’m the friend you deserve right now. Come on, you have to be up for work in five hours.’

Kay followed Nico to his bed, knowing he would sleep peacefully, naked under the covers with his friend beside him. He wasn’t alone, because he had friends.


	60. Chapter 60

Thursday morning, Kay woke to the feeling of warmth and softness. He was naked, which he’d been avoiding since his escape but it didn’t feel bad, because Nico was with him. he turned on his side and smiled at Nico. His friend was still asleep, his young face relaxed and making him look sweet and innocent.

But he’d been through so much, like Kay had. Nico was strong. He’d recovered who he was and he was living the life he wanted to live. Maybe that meant Kay could too.

He didn’t know exactly what Nico had been through but he could guess. He knew the kind of things Rik liked to do to people. He couldn’t bear to think of Nico being hurt like that. It was too terrible to think of. What could Nico have ever done to deserve that kind of treatment?

Nico stirred and smiled when he realised Kay was awake. ‘Morning,’ he said. ‘Did you sleep better second time around?’

Kay smiled. ‘Yeah, a lot better. Thank you. Really, I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

Nico reached out and touched his arm gently. ‘You’re strong, Kay. You’d manage.’

‘Maybe. But it’d be a lot harder.’

Nico opened his mouth to reply but suddenly the bedroom door banged open. ‘Nico, have you seen Kay, he’s not … oh.’

Klaus looked between the two of them with his mouth open. ‘Sorry, did I interrupt something?’

Nico sat up in bed. ‘Nah, just my patented nightmare prevention technique.’

‘Oh, okay.’ He gave Kay a sympathetic look. ‘Bad night?’

Kay sat up. ‘It was, until Nico helped me out.’

‘Right, well don’t you two spend all day in bed. Tell you what, I’ll make breakfast and you two sort yourselves out.’

They watched him leave, then Kay turned to Nico. ‘Does he think we’re a couple?’

Nico smiled. ‘The thing about Klaus is, he never judges. Though he should know you’re completely head over heels in love with Marc.’

Kay pulled a face. ‘Not that it’s ever done me any good. I should just get over him and forget everything about him.’

‘Have you tried actually talking to each other?’ said Nico, mildly.

Kay sighed. ‘He knows where I stand and I guess he’s made his choice.’ He leaned in and kissed Nico’s cheek, then smiled. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. When it comes to Marc, I’ve got my head screwed on now. He’s got to make his own choices.’

He sighed. ‘Come on, let’s make the most of Klaus making breakfast, shall we?’

Nico smiled. ‘Yeah. It’s a pretty rare occurrence.’

They got dressed and Kay allowed his thoughts to drift to Marc. He hadn’t heard from him that week and he wondered what he was doing. Maybe he was spending time with his girlfriend. Kay sighed. Fiancé.

He had to stop thinking about Marc so much. They were just friends now. He should count himself lucky to have him as a friend. He knew now how important good friends were.

He needed to start living his life again, not just hanging around for Marc. Though he couldn’t help thinking about that kiss.

No, he’d go to work and then maybe he’d go for a run on his own. He was fit enough now and he should just be able to go for a run when he wanted. It was time he reclaimed those woods.

A cloud of guilt had followed Marc all week. It was Thursday evening now and it was the first day since Saturday that neither Julia nor his parents had called him. He’d had Julia in tears to him more than once on the phone and he’d apologised until the words had lost all meaning in his head.

His parents kept ringing too. His father couldn’t understand this. Marc had used the word bisexual to him but his father couldn’t understand why he had to choose a man, why he couldn’t just ignore that part. Marc had tried to explain but it was difficult as a part of him didn’t understand it himself. All he knew was that he wanted to be with Kay.

What more could he say? He knew he’d messed up. He knew he’d hurt people. He’d done so much damage to people he cared about. Did he deserve to be happy after all he’d done?

Everything that had happened to Kay never would have happened if Marc had been able to be honest in the first place.

He wanted to text Kay. He wanted to tell him what had happened. He had to talk to him properly, face to face.

After work that night, he sat on his sofa and text Kay.

_Hey, still up for a walk/run this Saturday?_

It took Kay a good few minutes to read the message. Marc sat there watching his sent message, waiting for a response and chewing his lip.

Kay was getting his life back. He was probably out with his friends. It was what Marc wanted, of course. Kay back to his old self, or rather discovering the strength of his new self. But he couldn’t help admitting that he was jealous. He kept picturing Kay being with Klaus or Nico, or someone else, and he didn’t like it. _He_ wanted to be with Kay.

_Yeah, sure_ , Kay texted back. _Looking forward to it._

_Me too x_

He waited but there was no reply to that. He sat there, chewing on his lip but there was nothing else.

He couldn’t stand this. He had to talk to Kay face to face. He had to tell him what he’d done and, finally, confess his feelings. He got up and got changed into his jeans and a nice shirt. He took several attempts to find the right shirt. What did you wear when you were going to confess your feelings to the man you loved? All this was so new to him. He hoped Kay would be kind. He wasn’t sure if he could take a rejection from him, much as he would deserve it.

He took a deep breath and headed out. He was going to do this and this time he wasn’t going to chicken out. 


End file.
